tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21913056901158151522024-03-13T03:37:52.732-04:00Mynjuans Daily SenseMynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-70599004558361323342014-12-16T22:36:00.000-05:002014-12-16T22:36:35.638-05:00End of the Year, Start of Something New.........So......I've been away for a LONG TIME. I have no real excuse but I do have some legitimate reasons. Here they are:<br />
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As you probably gleaned from my last few blogs, I entered into a relationship with a handsome young man back in January of 2011. We moved in together shortly thereafter and I received a highly anticipated promotion at work, (Yea me!). During the last 3 years life happened as well, both good and bad things and life-changing decisions. First, I decided to move to another borough with my boyfriend. Shortly after my move, my boss and mentor passed away suddenly. This hit me quite hard. Super-storm Sandy made life hell for almost a year for so many reasons after it hit. My relationship hit unexpected bumps and turns as well. I made new friends and longtime enemies out of the same two people (there will be a blog about that later). Good things happened as well: I finished my degree, repaired my relationships with my family and moved back to the borough I love (oh , Brooklyn, how I love thee!).<br />
I made the decision to work in the field of law, which is something I always wanted to do but was quite afraid of. My fear turned to anger when every legal position I applied for within my old company was given to law grads (how dare!). I decided to earn a paralegal certificate and apply for jobs outside my company. After my boss died, I was miserable at work and hated it. At first I only applied to legal assistant jobs, since I had an executive assistant background but as I was editing my resume based on paralegal postings on various websites, I read an ad that literally plucked my heartstrings. Without reservation, okay with a few reservations, I sent a heartfelt email and my half-assed paralegal resume to the poster. Why the reservations? For one, the posting was on Craigslist. I half-expected the interviewer to ask if I minded working in only my underwear and honey. Okay, I fully expected that. But it turns out the posting was legit and the poster, who would become my boss, seemed normal and nice. I didn't expect to get an interview or the job but I got both. I was so excited to be working as a legal assistant/paralegal I worked both my jobs until I officially gave my notice (which is crazy, I'll never do that again).<br />
Again, my happiness was short-lived when my Dad called me at work to tell me had cancer. Six short weeks later he passed. I drove to Texas to see him laid to rest. His funeral was awesome. My dad is an Air Force veteran. All the living vets came to his funeral and he was buried in the veteran's memorial in Abilene. He was paraded through town, given a full hero's home going. It was spectacular to see. The next day, fighter pilots flew over the town. If you've never seen an air show, you must! I'm a jaded person who is not easily impressed and I was completely blown away, It helped my sadness to see all the love and respect my father earned in his lifetime, I'll miss him terribly.<br />
The death of the three (my uncle passed also) most important men in my life made me realize that I was not living life. Life was happening to me. No matter what anyone thought or said, these men moved forward everyday. Good or bad, they lived life their way. And they were happy. They tolerated little to no bullshit and didn't gave a crap about what others thought. They fought for what they believed in and they were always laughing and cracking jokes. And they were kind. I remember their humor most of all. This light they all had, attracted so many people to them. Through this, I realized that I was unhappy. I let things happen, I didn't chase my happiness and carried so much shame and anger around with me. When you do that, that's exactly what you will attract.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--Hhk2uUvoHI/VJD47NkFA7I/AAAAAAAAAdA/X0WdID97WOE/s1600/GP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--Hhk2uUvoHI/VJD47NkFA7I/AAAAAAAAAdA/X0WdID97WOE/s1600/GP.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Famous 'Concious Uncoupler' Gwyneth P.</td></tr>
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As hard as it was to accept it, I knew that this was especially true in my relationship. The relationship was over long ago but I kept hanging on and complaining the whole way, as if I couldn't do anything about it. Again, I was letting life happen to me instead of living the life I wanted. Stuck in a lease, I didn't know how to go about it. There was no way out of the lease for either of us, so we decided to stick it out. I was scared that things might get contentious. So I decided to do some research. Remember Gwyneth Paltrow's 'conscious uncoupling'? Now hear me out: turns out the moniker for peacefully parting ways in a slow, structured way is actually a legitimate behavioral model that many psychologists and therapists encourage.<br />
Look, I'm no red string-wearing, truck driver-hat wearing celebrity enthusiast, but I dig this! And I can tell you from experience (and the fact we had little choice) it works. Whenever things get testy, we stop and talk about our issues and where they might be coming from. Sometimes, it's as simple as one or both of us are ready to move on, other times, we're legitimately annoyed with one another and constructively talk about those things, always 'consciously' trying to learn more about ourselves through the process. I've learned more about myself in the last few months than I have with people I've known all my life. It's prickly but needed and I've grown.<br />
Four years ago around this same time, I was estranged from my family, alone and broke. I thought life was not worth living. I remember praying with tears in my eyes. I said, "God I need you but I need to SEE you. I need proof that you exist and that you love me and that I'm supposed to be here." Then I actually met God. He's a Black man by the way. I'll write a full blog about meeting Him and two angels next week.<br />
Look how far I've come! By the end of this week, I'd have attended three holiday parties, received two wonderful New Year's Eve invites and I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with my own family and possibly cooking the meal! I have so much to be thankful for already. I'm blessed!<br />
I'll have New Year's goals but I've learned resolutions only take you so far, working on your energy is much better and attainable goal that will attract all the things God has for you and your hearts' desires. So here's to better energy, connecting and re-connecting and fighting for love and all better things in life. C'mon 2015, it's my time.<br />
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<br />MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-89750406536670603872013-01-12T23:09:00.000-05:002013-01-12T23:58:35.413-05:00Don't Go Back - *February 2013 Essence magazine giveaway!*<br />
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<img height="200" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQIW1uP8dS8OnRZzgOPlgMpnTcd-AMr32p-fHUu3WfOUrIbfL8Q" width="200" /> </div>
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Happy New Year! Welcome to 2013 Family! I'm glad you stopped by, we have SO much to discuss this year and I will definitely bring you more than I did last year. Wait and see!<br />
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My "Daily $ense for January 2013 is this: Don't go back! If you lost weight, keep exercising and eating right, DON'T GO BACK! If you started the trying process of changing your career to one of your passion, keep going, DON'T GO BACK! If you made the decision to change something in your personality for the better, whether that be to say no when you mean it, to be more positive, to change a nasty attitude, to be happy, to be more spiritual, less selfless, stop being envious, etc., no matter how difficult these changes are or how many times people may take you "out of the spirit" of these changes, keep pressing forward. DON'T GO BACK! If you left a relationship that wasn't respectful of you, did not fulfill your needs, that was abusive mentally or physically or just wasn't right for you, DON'T GO BACK!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To forgive does not mean to forget.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="200" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ14Nk4rJl9c7x64OJp04w9y1Yv8RJ0Gpc8gkweaWGDWeNDW2ljRA" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="124" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't go back like she did.</td></tr>
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And if you do go back, DON'T STAY THERE. Begin again. And again. And again. Failure isn't falling down. Failure is falling down and staying there. Failure is not trying again. Failure is the refusal to open another door because one door closed. The refusal to even try. That's failure. YOU are not a failure. YOU are a success to not be measured by others. Some will reach their pinnacle as teenagers, others in their twenties and thirties. You may be one of them. Some of us, like past president of the NAACP, Kweisi Mfume, will find our calling after many wrong turns much later in life. His path, his testimony would serve as inspiration to many young women and men of color who weren't born into greatness but created. You, my friend, are the creator of greatness. GET UP. And TRY AGAIN. DON'T STAY BACK, then DON'T GO BACK!<br />
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For those of us who know the changes we'd like to make, the changes we swear we'll start today tomorrow and the next, the changes we need to make but aren't sure which of the vast many to changes to actually change because there are so many and those who know the exact ones but don't know where to begin. In the words of the famous Cole Porter song just"Begin the Beguine"<span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.1875px;">. </span> Basically, go forth with the dance whether you know how to or not, the answer will come to you. BEGIN and then, DON'T GO BACK! Stay spiritual and you will be supplied with all you need. If that doesn't happen as fast as you would like, use the Internet, Amen?<br />
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Stay hopeful. Stay positive. If you find yourself perennially unhappy (and it's not a medical condition like depression) it's time to give your time and space to those in need. Volunteer and intern that helps you to give back to the community. Best thing? No experience is necessary, you're guaranteed to meet similar minded individuals and get more out of it than those you're helping. Your spirit, mind and time will be filled and you will be *happy*!<br />
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Although last year I was successful in my 2012 goals, this year I decided to keep it simple and make a "CHECK YO'SELF 2013" list.<br />
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<span style="color: #999999;">CHECK YO"SELF 2013</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;"><u>*Earn a 4.0 for my Spring and Fall 2013 semesters in school. Study and stay prayerful.</u></span><br />
<span style="text-align: start;"><u>*Lose 40 lbs this year with a goal of 10 lbs per quarter. NO eating fast food, walk 2 miles 5 days a week.</u></span><br />
<span style="text-align: start;"><u>*Work towards a new position in my company. Ask the director to be my mentor.</u></span><br />
<span style="text-align: start;"><u>*Maintain a healthy balance in my spiritual, personal and work life. If it doesn't work, it must change or go!</u></span><br />
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Feel free to check me on all these things at all times. Being made to be accountable helps us all to achieve our goals. Make your own "CHECK YO'SELF 2013 list, share it with at least two friends or acquaintances and have them "CHECK YOU" when you need it and vice versa. More importantly, CHECK YO'SELF!<br />
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As a "Thank You" to you, I'd like to help you start your 2013 year off with the inspirational February 2013 Essence magazine featuring Iyanla Vanzant. Please comment by January 30, 2013 and I will choose one of you at random. Good luck!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSgPxmzDEGmaC9gyy39f7E9cJWgyMJQdGCq5DBYVcynSFZKMu6C" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">NOTE: No promotion was paid by TIME or any other entity for this contest</span></td></tr>
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Remember, Don't Go Back, Check Yo'Self and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!<span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.1875px;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.1875px;"><br /></span>MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-75239605098033641302012-07-31T23:57:00.002-04:002012-07-31T23:57:28.504-04:00Beware of the Thirsty Girl or Guy!<br />
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Beware of the Thirsty Girl or Guy!</h2>
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A few Summers ago as I was walking with a friend I saw an incredibly attractive man walking towards me. You know, the kind of good-looking you just don't see everyday. As he walked by, I HAD to speak.<br />
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"Hello, good afternoon, how are you?" I didn't mean to say all that, but I was captivated and feeling bold.<br />
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Mr. Good-Looking simply smiled as he walked on by and replied, "Good afternoon, I'm fine."<br />
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I turned to watch him walk away and stated loud enough for him to hear, "Yes, you are." Look, guys do those kind of things to women everyday and I love turning the tables on them when I get a chance. As soon as I turned back to my friend, however, she was laughing hysterically.<br />
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"Gurl, what is wrong with you? Why are you acting all thirsty? Is your throat dry?", she said. I had no idea what she meant but it cracked me up and I joined in her laughter.<br />
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"What do you mean?" I asked her.<br />
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She replied in a voice mimicking a dirty,old man,"Hello there, good afternoon baby, how ya doin'?" lickin' her lips the entire time. I laughed until I cried.<br />
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"I was SO not like that!" I exclaimed.<br />
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"Yes you were! You acted like you were thirsty and the only thing that could quench your thirst was a tall glass of him!"<br />
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Is that what 'thirsty' means?", I asked.<br />
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"Yep, it means you gotta get at a man no matter what, like you're desperate and you're not desperate girl so stop acting like you're thirsty!" She said as she laughed again.<br />
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Little did I know at the time that although I was indeed not 'thirsty', there were MANY females out there that were. Oh, there are some dry, scratchy throat, can hardly talk for dry wheezing chicks out there, so watch your back. I had an ultimate run-in with one dry throat chick and although I will not put her on blast, I will post warning signs about them. Here they are:<br />
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<b>Thirsty Chicks Have No Female Friends:</b> It's true. They may have associates and such but no friends. Not because they can't make them, they choose not too. Thirsty females know that they cannot be trusted so they trust no other female.<br />
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<b>Thirsty Females keep their info tight: </b>Think about it: do you know one female that knows alot about everybody else's business but you know very little about hers? That's a thirsty chick on the low. They keep tabs on your man and your situation so that they can strike when the time is right. They wait for you to show the slightest disinterest and then they move in on your man. If you confront her about it she'll say "You acted like you didn't want him".<br />
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<b>Thirsty Females like averted attention: </b>Thirsty chicks or guys don't mind if another female gets all the attention at first, they just want to go home with the digits or the guy at the end of the night. So they sit back, let you do all the conversation, then when you get to the exchange of info, they insert themselves. No work, but all the payload.<br />
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<b>Thirsty Females have no loyalty</b>: She may be your soror/frat or your girl/boy, but not when it comes to the opposite sex! You may have walked in with him, but she has no problem with walking out with him. She doesn't ask or concern herself with the details of who is seeing who, etc. because that would only make her look worse than she already will by going after the same guy your with.<br />
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<b>Thirsty Females are BOLD:</b> Not only will they openly flirt with your man right in front of you, they will talk about it to your face. Don't be fooled by a temporary act of consciousness when they tell you they "may" have crossed the line. It's simply to throw you off track and the bolder have no problem with telling they either have or will choose you over them.<br />
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Beyond the warning signs posted, I've written a poem about the thirsty women out there whose parched throat ways get in the way of all the true women out there. Read this to empower yourself whenever a scratchy throat gets you down. Smooches!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Jennifer Anniston. Spokesperson for SmartWater. Fully prepared for the next Thirsty chick that tries to steal her man.<br /></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><u>Ode to the Thirsty Girl</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thirsty Girl, oh Thirsty Girl</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why must you be so dry?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why must you holla at every single man </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">that happens to pass you by?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thirsty Girl, oh Thirsty Girl,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Do you have any loyalty?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You betta quench your thirst ahead of time</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Before you come and hang with me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thirsty girl, oh Thirsty girl</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">your desperation ain't hard to see</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Before you come out since you're that dry</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Try drinking a glass of tea</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Or perhaps your missing electrolytes</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">have you tried drinking SmartWater?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">because you </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">trying to holla at the same guy I am</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">is completely out of order</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thirsty girl, oh Thirsty Girl,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Don't you know the Girlfriend code?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If I step first, then you back off</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Why must you stoop so low?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">So I thank your dry & thirsty ways</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">for clearing the weaker sex from my path,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">and making the way for the Alpha male</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">since I only like the best!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thirsty Girl, oh Thirsty Girl</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">you habitual line stepper,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">you desperate moves will always prove</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As a matter of choice, I'm better!</span></div>
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<br />MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-67416148957774804432012-05-21T21:12:00.001-04:002012-05-22T01:12:36.130-04:00Don't Be That Girl or Why I'm not Feeling Alicia Keys Anymore<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6hZcNELCBxSPABTMjlmkouKj0Zlrft-G7TxHBpyO5S64MSZMFO7His7YtBAPZ1ERknR9Q39wAVQSVKph6oOGQQywGkEo7wXe2m2hGTLO45vtixemtkfHyOO5-L_B34LELdkTUOic-xJPw/s1600/Amber-Rose.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Amber Rose. Wise, mature and pretty!</td></tr>
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A few months ago, I listened to an interview Amber Rose gave to a radio station. Now, just like you, I had my preconceived notions about her based on her pre-Kanye West career, her sudden and seemingly undeserved rise to fame based on nothing but her blond-dyed crew cut and Betty Boop figure. No, I'm not about to give you the Russell Simmons' Global Grind "But There's More To Her, don't hate her!" speech.<br />
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What I will give you is the lesson that unfortunately may have been lost in the fact that it was coming from Amber Rose. In the infamous interview, Amber Rose let it slip out that part of the reason for her break up with her first famous beau was due to a little known chick named Kim Kardashian, who's body and rise to fame was pretty much identical to Amber's with the exception that one grew up poor and the other grew up affluent. In her suspicion of the tryst, Amber did what a lot women should do first and don't: she confronted her man. She held him accountable for his actions and then in a very mature move I would not have taken, she decided she wanted to try and works things out with Mr. West as long as he left said Kardashian alone. Whether or not Kanye agreed (obviously not), according to Amber, Kimberly did not. Amber knew the responsibility of being faithful truly lied with her partner, not KK, however, she attempted to talk to Kimberly. When Amber discovered KK was still "sexting" Kanye, she texted her. Not to threaten her, not to cuss her out, but to give her advice: "Don't be that girl". Her words were powerful and wise and although she did not receive a response from her allegory to Kim, her maturity in the situation earned my respect.<br />
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Now who was "That girl" Amber was referring to? We all know who she is. She is the girl who does whatever she wants, whatever feels good despite who that may hurt in the process. She is the sideline chick aiming for top spot, she is the female who bases her self-esteem in breaking up relationships, she is the female that has no respect for herself or others relationships, she is the chick who is selfish, self-centred and doesn't care who she hurts as long as her needs are met, she is the female who purports herself to be a strong and powerful woman for other women but excuses her behavior based on circumstance rather than lead by an intergal life. Yeah, she's that chick. The chick,whom you and other females cannot trust. The "I'm going for mine" girl when she really mean's "I'm going for yours".<br />
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Now before you swear and curse that girl , know this: We are ALL that girl. Yep. Re-read it again. How so?<br />
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As dynamic people we are all comprised of and capable of many things, most good and some bad. In this way, that girl is in all of us. One of you may be saying, not me, but yeah , yes you.<br />
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Now just because we have "That girl" or "That guy" in us doesn't mean we have to let that person out. We have all, at one time or another been faced with a strong moral dilemma. At one time or another, we either gave in or wanted to give in to our desires and passions and be a slave to what we wanted whether it was right or wrong or who we may hurt in the process. And if none of this seems to apply to you at this moment, don't worry it will. There will come a time when the guy or girl who lights your fire is married or otherwise taken. There will be a time when it seems your sexual soul-mate also happens to be your student, a client or a patient. There will be a time when you fall in love with someone else's husband or wife and in all these situations unfortunately the feelings will be reciprocated, making the decision to walk away and do the right thing difficult and painful.<br />
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This is where Alicia Keys comes in. We all know her good homegirl "I'm for women" media personality her empire spins on us. Her songs of broken hearts, broken love and most of all of staying faithful to love. Yet in her personal life we unfortunately learned that while she could talk the talk, she could not walk the walk. She, like the rest of us had "That girl" in her, but instead of taking the higher moral ground and therefore avoiding the very "Karma" she sung about, she chose to be the woman involved in an already dissolving marriage, publicly no less. Humiliating her now husband's former wife and child, she chose to partner, become pregnant and engaged to an already married man. I often wonder what respect does she expect from her husband's children or her own son when they become of age and learn of when and how she and her now-husband became a couple. I don't pretend or profess to know the personal details of what happened in this situation. Maybe she's withholding a simple explanation that we the public don't know that would make her an innocent in this, but as a public relations trained professional, we have a saying: what it looks like is usually what it is and you can't turn sh*t into mayonnaise, but I'd like to see her try.<br />
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With all that I said, I do not have advice or a 3 step rule this time to help you when the time comes when you're faced with being "That girl" or being "That guy". And unlike the liberty I took in judging Alicia Keys, I won't judge you. Temptation is hard. The Devil knows exactly what to serve at EXACTLY the right time so that the offer can be hard to refuse. All I can hope is that you make the right decision. And let's say you've already been in one of the aforementioned situations and you DID choose to be "That person". Don't beat yourself up about it. Move on. Love yourself. And regardless of the bad-decision making and poor judgement you may have made in the past, you are worthy of new chances, of earning trust and most importantly of forgiveness. Alicia has done nothing to me personally. Was I disappointed in her? Yes. Did she disappoint the womanhood? Undoubtedly. But you know what? I forgive her. Just like Mashonda forgave her and moved on to someone who is faithful and worthy of her love. Just like Amber forgave Kim and even thanked her for giving her a reason to leave a man who was unworthy of her and led her to her husband-to-be. I forgive these women. I'm just waiting for the new piano playing poetess and curvy, reality t.v. star fashionista, worthy of my fanship, to take their place.<br />
<br />MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-38232673326415441462012-05-21T01:13:00.001-04:002012-05-21T01:13:49.544-04:00MAC and Other Makeup Gimmicks Women Fall For<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As I walked in, late nonetheless, to my Affordable Beauty Class with celebrity Makeup artist A.J. Crimson, I was stunned to see that over 70% of the class were African-American women and not just African-American women, but dark-skinned African-American women. The media often ignores the vast hues in the Black skin color spectrum, leaving those darker than a walnut brown to fend for themselves. With models like Alek Wek walking for Chanel and Oluchi Onweagba modeling for Victoria's Secret, you'd think that we'd be more educated and have more options for the higher end of the color spectrum, but alas no. And no oasis was found at the Affordable Beauty clinic as we watched A.J. delightfully shade and contour a fair skinned participant, but could not display the same effect on an ebony shaded beauty who volunteered to be made up by him. The frustration in her voice at her dissapoinment in not being shaded and contoured as her counterpart was shared by many in the room. His directions called for using the darkest makeup you could find to create cheekbones and shading, but what about when you ARE the deepest shade in the spectrum? What then? As a YOUTUBE specialist, I knew that there were other artists who excelled where A.J. did not. I passed the info of several artists, not as well known as A.J., who specialized in creating the looks darker skinned Black women desire.<br />
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The next sin made by A.J. was his denouncement of MAC cosmetics. *!GASP!* As instructed , all the women brought their current make-up bags for his perousal. As the group began to ask questions, of course he pushed his own product line and those used by industry professionals. But when asked which MAC products he endorsed. He asked, "Who wears MAC anymore?" Stunned, we were to afraid to answer our makeup idol, but collectively our silence whimpered "We do!". The woman next to me whispered,"I love MAC and I'm not gonna stop wearing it for nobody!". I smiled politey at her comment and then I began to wonder, 'Well, why were we wearing MAC cosmetics? Was AJ right? Were we wearing MAC even though their shades did not match our skin color and/or tone and their colors and products were unwearable and overpriced based on the amount purchased and performance? Were we victims to sleek packaging and marketing efforts that told us subliminally, even though common sense told us otherwise, we needed MAC products to be sought after and beautiful even though the products don't work? And for those that claim it does, do we really believe that in order to be inclusive in some ultimate makeup click, selectively pulling our MAC brushes and lip glosses from our purses for status rather than effectiveness? The answer was .....yes.<br />
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Since Duane Reade launched "The LOOK Boutique", I've been a fan, especially since they had the fortitude to launch BECCA cosmetics, a line that offers skin tone and color selections, which is important in a multi-ethnic and hued society. Ever wondered why a base/foundation that is your color doesn't work? It's because it doesn't match your skin tone. It's expensive to expand a color foundation based on both tones and color, but it is achievable and it is done. True enough the more expensive a line is(think NARS or Giorgio Armani) or exclusive(think Guerlain or Fashion Fair), the more likely they employ this effort, but BECCA does this at a reasonable cost level(it's not cheap though). The LOOK Boutique also offers other non-SEPHORA endorsed products that work for ethnic or multi-racial skin, but without the sleek advertising, marketing and fanfare surrounded by the likes of MAC, Clinique or Bobbi Brown.<br />
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One weekend after attending the workshop, I went to the LOOK Boutique counter to purchase a lip liner and gloss from the Vera Moore line, I asked the beauty counter representative which lines she likes that is offered in the store. Her reply? "None". she said. When I asked, she replied, "There's just nothing that excites me about any of these lines." Intrigued, I asked, " Which lines do excite you? " Clinique, MAC, any of the lines at Sephora, some drugstore brands." I looked the associate over . Such a pretty girl, but such a poorly made-up face. The "exciting" lines she was using did nothing for her. Her technique was okay, but her skin was ashy and mis-colored. Her eye makeup was poorly done, flaking, fading and not becoming for her. Her lipstick was so far out of her skin tone family, it stood out like a horrible mistake that was made just before she left the house. Mind you, her shift had just started and she probably left her home an hour ago. To be included in makeup "excitement" she was willing to look a hot mess. I could not understand why she would purchase a base and powder that no more matched her skin color than an elephant's for the sake of purchasing a name brand that was well-known. Especially when BECCA and Vera Moore had her EXACT shade and tone right there in front of her.<br />
"Did you at least try some of these cosmetics here? As a WOC, I find them to be more suitable for our skin tones/color than some of the more well-known brands." I say to her.<br />
"No, I didn't try them. I'm just not interested since I've never heard of them. I heard of BECCA when it was at SEPHORA, but I never got a chance to try it." If I wasn't in a hurry, I would've strapped that chick down and re-did her face right there.It was one thing to have mis-matched foundation and powder b/c that's the best you can do, but to do it just to say you have such and such in your make-up kit while you look foolish is a complete 'nother. This young woman saved my life. I knew right then,I had to put makeup that didn't work for me DOWN no matter what the label read.<br />
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Because of this encounter I decided to write some rules to make sure that I never fall prey to makeup marketing schemes that don't work for me. If you agree to these rules, help spread the news. BTW, it's okay if you wear MAC in 2010, 2011 and beyond, as long as the hype doesn't sprinkle stars in your eyes convincing you that it looks good on you when it doesn't and doesn't stop you from looking for something that may very well be better.<br />
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1)Educate yourself on as many makeup lines as you can.<br />
Yes, it can be overwhelming, but lucky for you, you are living in the age of blogs and YouTube videos. Most makeup mavens have done the research for you. Make sure you subscribe to bloggers who are not paid or compensated for their opinion of beauty products. Remember, trained makeup and beauty artists can make ANYTHING work, so if all they have to give is praise, look for another written or video blogger who can give you an honest opinion of what a product can or can't do.<br />
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2)The price does NOT matter, the effectiveness does.<br />
With the exception of very sensitive skin, most of us can wear any drugstore brand available. While the metaphoric high of purchaseing MAC and any product from the makeup counter at Nordstrom's or SEPHORA is addictive, beware the train of thought that the more you pay for it, the better it is. That is not always the case when it comes to makeup. Born with hereditary dark circles under my eyes, I searched high and low for a concealer that not only matched my skin tone/color, but with the perfect consistency to not run or rub off during the day(or night). After paying $55, $35, $28 for high end concealers that did not work time after time, a makeup artist suggested a drugstore brand, Posner cover creme. It cost just $8 and is the best thing that ever happened to me. When people ask me why my skin looks perfect, I tell them this story. While I swear by it, it doesn't work for everyone. The moral of the story is, find something that works for you and it is not always going to be the most expensive thing on the market.<br />
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3)Pick a color that is flattering to you.<br />
Here's the deal: The most common used makeup on runways are drugstore brands mixed with professional makeup artists tricks products. All makeup is not developed with everyone in mind. It would be impossible to do so. So although, there are some blushes and lipsticks advertised as universally flattering, believe me, there is no such thing. Someone will end up looking weird. With that in mind, know that some poeple do not look good in frosty eyeshadows, satin colors look best on dewy skin, therefore if your skin is dry, you need shimmer. Yes, you can wear pink, but pick a pink shade that is flattering to you. Just because Disco Pink is in season, does not mean its for you.<br />
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4) DO NOT get sucked into name brands and slick advertising schemes.<br />
The purpose of this rule is not to downplay MAC, Bobbi Brown or any other well-known brand or high volume selling drugstore cosmetic. Look, I'm no different than you. I use MAC and Clinique products. What I do want to impress upon you, is that once the marketing facade fades, you have to come to the conclusion of if the product not only works, but works for you. If it does what I need it to do then I'm fine with whatever high-end, mid-or low-end product I buy. Not only that, but I try to be fiscally smart with my makeup as well. I love Dior mascara, but buying a $30 mascara every 3-4 months is out of the question. I find that Maybelline makes a mascara that does the same, if not better, for 1/5 of the price. While I loved taking the Dior out of my makeup bag (let's face it: some luxury makeup just makes you FEEL good),I know the SMART thing was to stick to my drugstore brand and flaunt that!<br />
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What I hope you take away from this to not let MAC or any other highly marketed makeup line be your holy grail for makeup and cosmetic products.<br />
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Stop being a line only fanatic and be a "ME" fanatic. Don't talk about the latest product out, but the latest product you've tried or seen that may work for you. Don't let a makeup line define if you're a diva or not. Let the definition be read in how good you look with what works on you.<br />MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-76817143336637378242012-02-29T21:25:00.001-05:002012-02-29T22:42:48.987-05:00A Relationship: What To Expect In The Very Beginning......You're in a relationship. Congratulations. It's new, it's exciting and it's .......not perfect. But what is?<br />
Don't worry, there are some normal relationship"kinks" that you and everyone you know will or has gone through. To spare you the late -night calls to friends, binge-eating and 'Reply All' e-mails, I've listed of few of the major ones to look out for.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQUni5vImFxl4RSpCDg6m0vj9ZpEmYhMRyi_-KycrgTh0nQWpGX" /> </div>1) When going from seeing to seriously dating, every red flag that has gone under your radar in your past relationships ( i.e. baggage) is going to pop it's ugly head. Remember when you pretended to be so secure in your relationship, you didn't check his phone? Then you were so secure you did check his phone? And found out there where at least 4 (or more) people in this secure relationship with you and him? Yeah, those things will pop into your head., no matter how great of a person he or she is. Things will be good. And you'll appreciate it. Then you'll think things are TOO good (though there's no such thing) and so your mind will replay every scenario in which you, someone you knew or someone you saw on The Maury Povich Show went through. This is the time to be honest with your honey about what you feel and why. At this point in life, both of you will being bringing baggage into the relationship, it's only natural. Let your partner know what happened in the past that has you feeling insecure now. A good partner will understand and work to get past it but you have to do your part, which means you DO have to get over it or end up single because no one will put up with relationship insecurities for long.<br />
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2) He or she will get on your nerves. I don't care how sweet, wonderful, beautiful or handsome the person you're seeing is, they will get on your nerves. Big time. This comes about due to familiarity and being territorial. Whether you're single periodically or for long periods of time, sharing your intimate space on a constant basis can wear you thin. Your habits, as well as your partner's, are magnified and even the slightest phrase or look can sometimes set you off. NO, your not crazy and no, they're not intentionally being nerve-wrecking. In fact, all you need is to count to 10 and just R-E-L-A-X. This isn't the time to tell your partner every little thing that annoys you and how they shouldn't breathe heavy when you come home from work or how her dramatics over her reality shows make you want to grate your nails. This IS the time to remember that unless it's a game changer, it's really not that big of deal. and just like you find things they do annoying, it's the same on the other side of the fence. There is NO human being alive who you can date or marry who will not get on your nerves or vice versa so learn to deal with it. Focus on their positive qualities and move on.<br />
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3)YES! You do have to check in or risk being checked out of the relationship. When you decide to get serious about someone, there is no night off. You can't suddenly not call your partner for 24 hours and then the next night call and in a chipper voice say "Hey babe!" It does not work that way. When you get serious, you have a serious responsibility. The other person. I'm not saying it's not cool to hang out with your man and them or your girls, or enjoy some time alone when he or she is busy doing something else, but becoming a serious couple is courtship , a demonstration model of how you expect your engagement or marriage to follow. That means making calls about your day, calling to tell a funny story, calling to let off steam and expecting the same in return. This is how you'll know you're with the right person. When you choose to make him or her the first person you share things with and vice versa, checking in won't be a chore, it'll be a lucky priviledge you both share.<br />
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4)He or she will be around you constantly. In almost every free moment you have. It will be cute at first. Then it will be a bit much.Then it will get creepy. So you will tell your partner to back off. But by that time, out of the blue, you'll get so used to having them around you ACTUALLY switch places. Then he thinks it's cute that your around so much, then it'll become a bit much, then you'll get creepy......you get the idea. But eventually you'll settle into place that's comfortable for you both. I promise.<br />
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5) You will have the ultimate "Before-I-Get-Serious-With-You-I'm Pushing-You -Away -to-See-If -You'll -Stay" fight. The argument may be over a serious issue or it may be over something petty, but it WILL happen. I'm not saying this so to scare you. I'm saying it to let you know it's okay when it happens. In a real relationship, there will be disagreements and things might be said that you wish weren't but the important part of this fight is to: a) see how you fight (always fight fair), and b) to see if you'll run away at the slightest sign of problems, and c) to see if you'll fight for the relationship. With all this said, the "big fight" may happen twice, once with each partner walking away (or at least pretending to). After the fight though, make sure you both come to a resolution peacefully and remember the love you're working on between you. Once you learn each other's communication style, unless you like to argue, you won't have many major disagreements and you'll learn how to speak to and resolve your issues between each other in a respectful way and more important, you'll know you're both worth fighting for!<br />
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6)He will get machismo on you and try to get hype and tell you what to do or shut you down. She will attempt to shut you down and let you know she's running things. Once you call them on it, they'll laugh it off and take it back. Both are trying to have the upper hand. Neither has it. Both will try it again. You'll crack up laughing each time and ignore it.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTypnX23QpSd3y9Il3JUN7X1eHivh7g3xUXCH03dsdNsAXZjFY_OQ" /> </div>So all the things listed, I personally went through and it was off-putting and sometimes scary. And each time I went through them and got through them, I talked to other people and found out it was normal so I'm letting you know ahead of time, it's normal. So before you make that call to a friend, hey.....it's okay. You'll be fine.MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-82791919881056433242012-01-11T00:07:00.000-05:002012-01-11T00:07:37.219-05:00Les Miserable! How to Deal with Negative People at WorkNegative, miserable people. Ugh. They can make a job you love a JOB to love. Who are these people? where do they come from? Why are they on your job and in your life?<br />
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While we don't know everyone's story, suffering alongside them is not your job. I remember when I had been blessed to work at a great job in a career I had wanted badly. The people in my department were friendly, hard-working people who made going to my job everyday easy despite the low pay and long hours and hard work we all put in. We were grateful for our jobs and made sure we kept each others' spirits lifted. <br />
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After I was hired, my boss hired a friend of a friend who needed a job badly. The employee used to run his own company and was used to being the boss for many years. But at our company he was powerless and had to take directions from people who much younger and more knowledgeable than him. He was miserable. He complained about our superiors, made snide remarks about our co-workers and called everyone stupid who was out of earshot. Soon, his misery spread like quick acting poison among our entire team. Even though the employee was becoming abusive, not one person on the team spoke up against him - except one. One of the original team members filed a complaint against this intolerable employee after going to the supervisor and then his boss first.<br />
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When the company realized how much production had gone down since he was hired, they investigated. Once more people began to speak up, the abusive employee was given a Final warning - meaning he or she had to clean up their act or be terminated. Since that time, the team has had a 100% turn-around. Not everyday was complete sunshine with the employee but the negativity had come to a stop. <br />
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Now, the other people who did not come forward to complain about the negative employee weren't afraid, they just knew how to handle Negative People at work in a different way. Below are my rules for attempting to deal with Negative People and situations at work.<br />
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1)My first advice is to ignore them if you can. Unfortunately, a lot of employment depends on team work and miserable people love to work in team environments. So my advice is if ignoring them doesn't work and you have to interface with one everyday. Learn to politely re-guide every angle of negativity they attempt to spew at you and others. <br />
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2) Do not join in on miserable people gossip. It's second nature to not necessarily like everything our boss or co-workers do, but to continuously rag on it daily only illuminates the situation and makes it worse. And misery loves company. My second token of advice is, no matter how much you may agree with negative convo concerning your boss, refrain from it and if someone brings it to your desk or area, listen if you're forced to do so but make no comments or agree. After the person has their say, act busy or guide the conversation elsewhere. If asked your opinion, simply say you have none. And most of all keep in mind: If people talk about others to you, they are definitely talking about you as well.<br />
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3)Relax, relate, release. Negative people and situations at work can severely stress you out! Don't let it to the best of your ability. Now's the time to exercise, eat right and make the allowed 5 appointments with a counselor through your health plan or join a free one in your city. If you know of a bible study or young adult group where you can be emotionally and spiritually replenished, go there. Being able to vent and shake it off physically will arm you to deal with these negative peeps day in and day out.<br />
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4) If the negativity is disturbing your work, then it's time to speak up. No one has the right to create a negative environment or abuse you at work. Try to resolve the situation at your level first by confronting the person directly in a positive manner b y keeping the focus on you rather than them so the person will not feel attacked. For example: "John, when you do not turn in your work in a timely manner so that I may do my part before it is due, I feel frustrated. The team expects me to have it complete for our team meetings. Is there anything I can do to assist you in getting this done?" Or "John, I understand we both have frustrating situations here at work, but as a team player, I would like for us both to come to a compromise on how we can both work best together in a positive atmosphere." <br />
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Hopefully, you and your co-worker can try to resolve the situation between the both of you.However, the rare circumstance you find yourself unable to do so and the environment becomes intolerable, keep track of the events that occur and bring them to your immediate supervisor.If it is not resolved on that level or your supervisor recommends so, bring the issue to Human Resources to file a formal complaint. <br />
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Imust point out here that going to Human Resources is a lat resort. Please, do not go to Human resources to vent or talk about your frustrations or issues you may have outside the job. Keep in mind, Human Resources main job is to protect the company, NOT YOU. At times, H.R. will label people. You do not want to be known as a complainer who always has an issue,no matter how valid, with someone. In going to Human Resources, know that you must have solid, factual back-up, witnesses willing to speak on your behalf and most important, you must go through with filing the complaint. <br />
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Not all negative situations need to escalate to that level and sometimes you do have to remove yourself from a situation that is not right for you. Some people thrive in certain situations people might consider negative, others don't. When I have tried every avenue, including looking to myself for where I may be the contributing factor to a negative situation, to no avail, I take that as sign that it may be time to move on. As long as you're not running away, there's nothing wrong with realizing you may no longer be a good fit or that a situation may not be right for you. <br />
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With that said I hope you've found something helpful in my post if you're currently going through this or can add some helpful hints for others below. <br />
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What are some negative situations you have gone through at your job? How did you handle/resolve the situation?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-74723084950262658842012-01-01T23:26:00.000-05:002012-01-01T23:26:53.709-05:00My 2012 Facebook and Twitter Resolutions<div style="text-align: center;"><u><em><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! </span></em></u></div> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" class="rg_hi" data-height="159" data-width="318" height="159" id="rg_hi" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR12RM1OwnOr_5rwJyC4vkMVmK9HORTVfZiUKaorHHnUr75r7eHFQ" style="height: 159px; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 318px;" width="318" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">For Facebook and Twitter</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table> <br />
I hope your 2011 was as trans formative as mine was . I thank GOD I'm stillher4e and for everything and everyone He has blessed me to know and have in my life. Some of you gave me life, while others gave me life lessons and I'm thankful for both. I know some people do and others don't do resolutions, but here are mine, exclusively for Facebook and Twitter. Tongue-in-cheek of course but feel free to adopt or express your opinions accordingly.<br />
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12. For 2012, I will not write cryptic, passive-aggressive Tweets or Facebook posts. If I have something o say to say, I'm gonna say it directly to that stupid %^&^5. Or at the very least post their name in post. Ghost rants only make me look pathetic.<br />
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11. For 2012, I will not Facebook stalk, make up fake accounts on Twitter or an other social utility account in an effort to know how my ex, my former boyfriends, crushes current and past are doing. If i can't ask or directly befriend them, there's a reason for that. besides, why waste my time on someone that isn't thinking about me?<br />
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10. For 2012, I will not reply "I'm Going" to events I don't plan on attending. And if I do reply "Yes" and can't make it, I will let the host know in advance. When people say they can and will come to your event and don't show up, that's disappointing.<br />
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9. For 2012, I will not get offended (as much) when I see posts from friends, family and acquaintances who obviously went out and had a great time (as if that's possible if I'm not there-ha!) without me. <br />
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8. For 2012, I will I will actually reach out to the people I know on Facebook and let the ones I have no connection to go. I don't need a huge friends list. Facebook is not a popularity contest and I'm not in high school.<br />
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7. For 2012, I will not post Tweets or Facebook post to elicit sympathy. If I don't have anything genuine to say, I'm gonna keep it to myself and keep everyone else's timeline a little more clear of BS.<br />
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6. For 2012, I will not change my Facebook or Twitter profile picture every week, every time I get a new outfit, weave or wig, new shoes or change the color of my lipstick.<br />
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5. For 2012, I will not click "Like" on Facebook posts or re-Tweet unless it calls for it and I actually like what was said. "Like" does not substitute for reaching out , saying 'Congratualtions' or 'Happy Birthday'. And I understand that.<br />
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4. For 2012, I will not stalk former nemesis of mine to make sure them %REPLACE^R%(& aren't doing or looking better than me. Come on, we all do it. tell the truth, shame the devil.<br />
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3. For 2012, I will not post drunk Tweets or Facebook posts. Why? Because there's no such thing. OO_oo.<br />
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2. For 2012, I'm not gonna send game or application requests to other Facebook users. That -ish is annoying!!!<br />
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And the #1 thing I'm going to do in 2012?!?<br />
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1. For 2012, I'm actually gonna use Twitter to update significant events in social surroundings and Facebook to to keep up with friends, family, organizations and former classmates. I mean, isn't that what it's all for? To keep in touch? Will do. <br />
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What are some Facebook or Twitter habits you hope to do away with in 2012?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-82710800664312160622011-12-13T23:02:00.003-05:002011-12-13T23:13:28.760-05:00Real Love: How to Know it's "It" When You're Not Feeling "It".<div align="center"><img alt="" class="rg_hi" data-height="205" data-width="246" height="205" id="rg_hi" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTBVsQojvTZdv9Lad_9s24gxkKCYjbjjuYbB9SEvqqTFB8tuX0u" style="height: 205px; width: 246px;" width="246" /></div><br />
Before I met my boyfriend, when I first started dating, my friends and acquaintances would ask me what I'm looking for and wanted in man. I listed the usual: handsome, educated, Black, sexy. And we had to have "it", that was the # 1 thing on my list. The thing was, I felt "it" with the same guys that 30 other women felt "it" with or didn't feel "it" at all with a really great guy I couldn't see myself with for one reason or another. The guys I felt "it" for brought the drama and unneeded competition for affection, but never ended in a monogomous, trusting relatinship where I felt secure. Something was wrong. As I was now in my 30s, I realized that I could not make the same choices as when I was 20-something years old. I had to now make choices in my romantic life in much the same way I had to concentrate on having a career if I wanted to be married or in a partnership with a compatible partner.<br />
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Last year, I read a book, "Marry Him! The case for marrying Mr. Good Enough". I'm sure you've at least hard of it. I cannot tell you the endless debates I had surrounding the theme of this book. After reading it, I came away with an important intergral message: Love, and what that means, is interpreted in many ways and you have to find out which way to redefine it for yourself if you ever plan to be married or be with a great guy. After reading it, I walked away with some important truths that define me in looking for a relationship:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" class="rg_hi" data-height="187" data-width="269" height="187" id="rg_hi" src="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSjsQEzCrXXihcaRy9URnWXzzIbBHx5FUDkJQ6lqbZrPDBznOFE5Q" style="height: 187px; width: 269px;" width="269" /></div><br />
1. Do you have to have chemistry or "it"? After speaking to over 20 married couples, I was completely surprised at their answers. Some had it, some didn't. Some never had it. The one thing ALL couples stated though was that, despite what any so-called relationship expert will tell you, it's not important or essential for a successful marriage or partnership because whether or not you ever had "it", the "it" does fade. And after it fades, you have to have compatibilty and friendship or the relationship will end.<br />
And just like love, the definition of chemistry varies. You may be compatible in various important ways without the chemical "spark".<br />
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2. What if you are not "in love" with your partner? We are taught in books and movies and by romantics everywhere that love is a euphoric feeling of butterflies that happens whenever you're around a certain someone. But that's not love. That's a chemical reaction in your brain telling you to "mate" because a suitable candidate happens to be in the right place at the right time when you're optimal to reproduce and that's the whole truth. There are some people that get that "spark" if you will with a quite a few people. It's not reliable. It doesn't tell you if the person is responsible or kind, or even if he/she is having the same reaction to you that you are to them.<br />
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Being "in love" means that you fearlessly are willing to allow another human being to hold your future in their hands. And if you meet someone capable and worthy of that responsibility that takes it seriously and holds it like a delicate flower, then you are "In love". So shut the door and don't let him/her out! Take the line from Juno the movie. "Nothing is guarunteed in love. The best thing you can do in love is find someone who doesn't think your sh*t stink. If you can do that, you've got a pretty good shot at being happy for a long time."<br />
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3. So if that's not love, what is it? Love is a bonding experience that can happen quickly or over time to where you and another person who share the same values, experiences and goals decide to commit to one another. That's really it. Real love is responsibility, acceptance, stability and it's trust. Butterflies are a bonus, great to have but not important to a true loving, lasting relationship.<br />
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And don't compare your romantic life to that of another. Remember my "You are the Rule, not The Exception" mantra. If you meet someone with whom you have a "spark" who happens to also be the best partner for you, so be it. Some people do, but remember they are the exception. Just like we can't all be supermodels, we can't all happen to, by chance, fall in real love with the person to whom we are chemically attracted to and remember the only purpose of that is to mate, once you mate, it usually wears off for one or both of you.<br />
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In conclusion, what's important is looking for real love and building on that with someone who wants to build that with you, not looking for the Holy "It" Grail. BUT I encourage you to have the strength to always follow your heart, whatever that may be. For some people, having that spark is way more important than being a in a stable relationship with a great guy that wants to build a future. If you can say to yourself and mean it, that you'd rather be alone than be without "spark", then don't settle for less than what you want. If you think your "Spark" filled love is out there, I say "Float On" and wish you the best of luck. It's not impossible to find, but it might be a long, long wait for that "spark" love when "real" love is right in front of you.<br />
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Have you ever questioned if a relationship was the real thing because you did not feel "it"with someone? If so, do you regret not staying in the relationship?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-13673358254933487132011-10-04T22:08:00.000-04:002011-10-04T22:08:34.938-04:0012 Different Types Of Men<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-txz-lRRDICM/Tou8Ew4h5-I/AAAAAAAAAJk/j6yywG7NYRw/s1600/group.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kca="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-txz-lRRDICM/Tou8Ew4h5-I/AAAAAAAAAJk/j6yywG7NYRw/s1600/group.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>1. MR. THUG LIFE <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Real good at making love <br />
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b. Fun and exciting <br />
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c. Makes you laugh <br />
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d. Has your back, will fight and protect you <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. Usually drinks and smokes too much <br />
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b. Always got drama <br />
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c. Stays a thug forever <br />
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d. In and out of jail <br />
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2. MR. NAW, I DON`T HAVE A GIRL <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Will take you out in the beginning <br />
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b. Will introduce you to all his friends <br />
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c. Compliments you all the time <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. Has a girlfriend who he?s been with since the 2nd grade <br />
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b. Will not get rid of her <br />
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c. He tells you about her after you?ve fallen in love with his *bleep* <br />
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3. MR. BIG BALLA <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Will give you money with no questions asked <br />
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b. Has a lot of style to him <br />
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c. Will show you some of the nice things in life <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. Never returns your pages <br />
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b. Feels he can come to your house at any given time without calling first <br />
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c. Loves to be around his boys more than you. <br />
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4. MR. I`M IN THE INDUSTRY <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Can get you and your friends on the guest list at all the jumping parties <br />
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b. Can have a decent stimulating conversation <br />
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c. Tends to dress nice <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. You don?t know if he?s gay, straight or bi <br />
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b. Seems flighty when you speak of a solid commitment <br />
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c. You still have to wait in line to get in all the jumping parties, then there?s drama at the door <br />
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d. All he has is a bunch of pictures with celebrities but he doesn?t know any of them personally <br />
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5. MR. INTELLECTUAL <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Book smart <br />
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b. Cares about how you feel <br />
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c. Has a very good job <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. Boring as hell <br />
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b. Doesn?t know what the hell he?s doing in bed <br />
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c. He is not street smart <br />
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d. Always asking you when can he see you again <br />
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6. MR. GHETTO <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. THE BOMB IN BED!!!!! <br />
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b. Makes you laugh <br />
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c. Got mad style and flava <br />
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d. Has a temper, but generally a charming sweet guy <br />
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e. Says he want a real relationship <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. He got 3 or more baby mommy?s <br />
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b. Wants to lay up in your crib, use the phone, and eat up all the food <br />
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c. Is in denial when you tell him about himself <br />
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d. Comes home at 3:00 am and says he was out with his boys <br />
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7. MR. I`M A RIGHTEOUS BLACK MAN <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Will teach you about black history <br />
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b. Revolutionary <br />
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c. Inspiring & gives to you spiritually & emotionally <br />
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d. Wants a wife and family <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. Breaks up with you for a white girl <br />
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b. Mo money-doesn?t have a job <br />
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c. Doesn?t own a nice suit, always wearing camouflage and oils <br />
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d. In the end, you find out he is just a trifling, con motha*bleep*a <br />
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8. MR. TOO DAMN GOOD <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Will introduce you to his mother <br />
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b. Has a job and will take you out <br />
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c. Will give you money for your bills if you need it <br />
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d. Sometimes he goes to church on Sunday <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. Sometimes he goes or church on Sunday <br />
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b. Secretly wants to be Mr. Thug Life <br />
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c. Wears fake Movado & Rolex watches when he goes to the club <br />
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d. Ignores you when the game is on because he takes sports too serious -He didn?t make it professionally <br />
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e.You find out after you break up with him that he was cheating on you <br />
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9. MR. PLAYA <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Will tell you the truth - that you`re not the only one <br />
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b. Sometimes he`s fairly decent in bed <br />
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c. He tells you that you`ve changed him and he`s ready to settle down <br />
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d. Has his own apartment and car (invites you to move in with him) <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. He doesn`t acknowledge you in public, especially if there`s women around <br />
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b. Generally he is a punk (won`t stand up for anything) <br />
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c. He expects you to believe all his lies just because he told you the truth about other women <br />
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d. After you catch his lyin` *bleep*, he tells you that he told you that he was a playa in the beginning anyway <br />
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10. MR. I HAVE A JOB <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. Of course.... he has a job <br />
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b. Doesn`t have too many bad habits <br />
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c. Will take care of you when you`re sick <br />
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d. Tells you that he is in love with you <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. You stay in the relationship 2 years or more and then find out he`s a shiftless, lazy son-of-a-*bleep* who wants you to do all the wifely duties but won`t give you a ring <br />
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b. He ends up telling you that he loves you, but is not "in love" with you <br />
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c. After he leaves you he gets married a month later <br />
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11. MR. BEST FRIEND <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a. He`s your best friend, you tell each other everything; you get along very, very well <br />
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b. He gives you advice when you and your man are having problems <br />
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c. The ultimate gentleman <br />
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d. Sweet and caring with a good sense of humor <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. You end up hooking up with him only to find he ain`t about *bleep* either! <br />
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b. Now, you gotta find a new best friend because you can`t stand his *bleep* <br />
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no more <br />
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12. MR. RIGHT <br />
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Advantages <br />
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a.He loves God and takes his relationship with God seriously <br />
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b. He is intellectual, brilliant, and capable of taking you there mentally and emotionally <br />
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c. He will love you even when you are not lovable <br />
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d. He has a career and not a job! <br />
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e. He acknowledges his faults and strives to be a better man <br />
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f. He understands a relationship is built on a 200% quota - 100% him and 100% you <br />
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g. He doesn`t have a bunch of kids and babies mommas - he`s smarter than that <br />
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h. He is a true best friend and everything you ever wanted in a man <br />
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i. He was cute when you met him. But, after spending sometime you see he`s fine as hell! <br />
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j. He can dress - knows the difference b/t formal, semi-formal, professional, business casual, casual, and since we are just chilling let me throw on some sweats and a fitted hat <br />
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h. He loves his mother and respects women <br />
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Disadvantages <br />
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a. You`ve never met him and if you did he already has a girl/wife. <br />
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b. You?ve met him. He?s the one you didn?t return the hello greeting at the grocery store because you were so caught up in the one of the previous 11.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span>MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-55212174296240056832011-10-04T21:49:00.000-04:002011-10-04T21:49:12.633-04:00Not everyone is meant to be friends..and it's a good thing!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aAq1F_O61Ns/Tou3UguPu5I/AAAAAAAAAJg/eOm1K52YK2A/s1600/friends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kca="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aAq1F_O61Ns/Tou3UguPu5I/AAAAAAAAAJg/eOm1K52YK2A/s1600/friends.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I love everybody! I really do!But.......<br />
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Not everyone is meant to be friends. Some people are meant to be acquaintances, some to be associates, some to only hold relationships within work, groups, etc. and that's it. What I don't understand is how when you send social cues to a person that say, "Hey, your cool, but that's it, our relationship ends and begins at a certain point", why some people choose to ignore the signals and continue to put you and themselves in uncomfortable situations. <br />
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Now , I give everyone a chance. I don't know you, I'm not gonna judge you and most of the time, people are completely different than how you think they might be. But after that, I may choose to consider you only someone I may be acquainted with in one way or another. Maybe we don't have anything in common, we think differently, or our values are different. I can definitely see intuitively when there may be problems ahead with myself and another person and I listen to my gut. This doesn't mean we don't speak, may not get up once in awhile if we have friends in common, work, etc. But it does mean that I don't share my personal life or space with you. That's for friends & family. Your should do the same. <br />
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I hope I'm not hanging myself with a rope on this one, but while I'm flattered, friendship may not be in our cards. And it's a good thing. In any relationship, you should want someone that wants you in their life the same way. Hey, there have been plenty of people I attempted to befriend and get close to that didn't feel the same way about me. And in the end, it was a blessing in disguise, the absolute best thing,lol!<br />
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I do wonder if anyone has been in similiar situations though and how they handled it.MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-71355152140878016702011-10-04T20:56:00.000-04:002011-10-04T20:56:44.675-04:00I Thought You Were Crazy About Me...But You Were Just CRAZY!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5wmCrQ5pkoc/TouqvZEG8MI/AAAAAAAAAJc/9o9I_I5KVWA/s1600/crazycool.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kca="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5wmCrQ5pkoc/TouqvZEG8MI/AAAAAAAAAJc/9o9I_I5KVWA/s1600/crazycool.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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When I saw a bite on your hand, I asked you about it. You said a dust bunny bit you. I laughed because I thought you were being funny. But you were dead serious.<br />
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When you said you had to check behind your dresser 3 times because "the little people were after you". I thought, everyone has the right to be precautious.<br />
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When you told me you wore a diaper, you know, just in case, I thought , "I like a man that thinks ahead!"<br />
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I just knew you were the one when you said you'd die without me.........then you went on to say, that's because you can't bear the thought of going to prison after you do me in.<br />
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I was awed by the fact that 10 of your high school buddies named their children after you. You then went on to say, that you did deliver half of them during the 6 weeks it took to get your GED.<br />
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I felt so special that you liked to watch me sleep. And eat. And from across the street while I was at work. During my aerobics class. While I used the bathroom. You know, nothing out of the ordinary....but I still don't know how you got that job as shampoo girl at my salon.<br />
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When I began to get male attention on Myspace and AOL, you didn't blink an eye. Of course I have found out later that they were all you, talking to me simultaneously for over 12 hours a day. But that's just love. Right?<br />
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But then it happened. You did the one thing no person in their right mind would ever do. I knew then you were insane. I knew at that moment it was never about me, it was never love. It was just crazy. And what you did was absolutely heinous, I don't even know if I can type it without throwing up.<br />
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As I saw you drink the milk right out of the milk carton and put it back in the fridge...........I knew you were crazy!!!MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-58128164955490258232011-09-29T20:18:00.000-04:002011-09-29T20:18:44.232-04:00The 10 Types of Guys You Should NOT be Dating!!!!!Hellloooooooo! <br />
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These past 2 weeks, as I've checked in on numerous girlfriends, I have listened as each wonderful, beautiful person was agonizing over some guy that they should not have EVEN been dating. Each one would question how much longer they should stay, how much they should tolerate and if the relationship is worth fighting for. While I'm not the expert or poster child for relationships, one thing I've learned (harshly) is that there are types of guys you just don't date anymore. Some you don't even START dating and others you stop as soon as you see the signs that say "STOP! He's a loser!". While everyone else can see those signs clear as day, when the heart is involved, these people tend to become far sighted, very far sighted. Or maybe they see the signs as you and I do and choose to ignore them in effort to not be alone.<br />
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One thing I am convinced of is whether or not they know not to date or it's time to close up shop, they will arrive at the same conclusion to do so on their own. But it doesn't mean that they don't need a little push. Here's my push to them -- and you if you see these characteristics in the person you're either dating or trying date. If so.., gurl... YOU SHOULDN'T BE DATING HIM!!<br />
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<u><b>The 10 Types of Guys You Shouldn't be Dating</b></u><br />
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<b>1. The guy who doesn't call you.</b><br />
If he's not calling you, he does not want you. I can't tell you how many guys have told me that. Does Facebook, Twitter, text or BBM count? Nope! If he does not call you or ask to speak to you in person, there is no need to wonder, ask or ponder philosophically about how he feels about you because he doesn't.<br />
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<b>2. The married guy.</b><br />
This should be obvious, but for some of you it strangely isn't. The type of guy that cheats on his wife is a) ALREADY cheating on you w/ his wife, b) is cheating on you with someone else already(you'll probably never know either) b) is a cheat, a liar and will never make a great partner to anyone. I know we are all familiar with unfortunate situations where from the outside looking in, that uncles, cousins, friends we know cheated with their now spouses and seem to be living happily ever after. Don't you believe it. Even if the person has managed to remain faithful, there will never be any amount of trust in that relationship, ever.<br />
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<b>3. The separated from his wife but still living with her/going to therapy/etc. guy.</b><br />
I know I'm going to ruffle some feathers here. I know that when people separate, one of the first things they are told to do is see other people. The choice of going on a date with someone who is separated is fine for those who aren't necessarily pursuing a monogamous relationship. However, if you are, dating someone who is separated is dating someone who is unavailable. When the "separated" status becomes "divorced" then you can openly date and pursue a relationship, until then, you're beating a dead horse. Why? Because no matter what problems separated persons are going through,about half of them get back together.<br />
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<b>4. The guy who physically/mentally abuses you.</b><br />
Another obvious one, yet too many women are still getting into and staying in these types of relationship. I don't know which type of abuse is worse, but I do know this: You are beautiful, you are handsome, you are WORTHY and no one has the right to put you down, even in a subtle way or put their hands on you, even once. If you question if you're in an abusive relationship, discuss it with your partner. Then talk the discussion over with a neutral(i.e., not your friends or family) party. Make sure you let your partner know that you will not stand for mental or physical abuse. Don't threaten to leave, there's no need for that. But if you come to the realization you ARE in an abusive relationship, LEAVE. God has a way of making sure those of us who unfortunately have to make the decision to get out of these types of relationships are never alone. I don't know how HE does it so put that "I-Don't-Want-To-Be-Alone" card away because you won't. I promise. Get help if you need it. Leave.<br />
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<b>5. The guy who doesn't share the same morals as you do.</b><br />
Here's the thing: There are some people out there who enjoy things recreational that may be against what you believe in morally. Drugs, sex, the list can go on. The free lifestyle these people seem to enjoy is very attractive. They don't judge you because they themselves don't want to be judged. And it feels nice to not be judged or held to sometimes impossible standards. BUT, if you don't do drugs, then don't date someone that does, if you don't drink heavily, don't date someone who does, if you enjoy spirituality, then dating someone who is agnostic is a bad idea. You don't have to share the same religion, but having one means you'll share more ideals and morals than someone who does not. Free sex does not lead to monogamy, it leads to two people who like free sex. If that's you, fine. But if it isnt' you probably need to find someone else.<br />
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<b>6. The guy who doesn't have a job,unless he's in school full-time or is actively pursuing finding one.</b><br />
Another sticky topic. Listen, it's a bad economy, I get that. Too many of us are now back home full-time or forced to live with and help out family members as we all struggle under this economic downturn. BUT, that does not give you an excuse to date a hot, sexy lazy man or woman. There's a difference between not finding a job and not looking. there's a difference between someone who had a steady job for years and lost it during the economic crisis and someone who couldn't keep a job when things were well and now is suffering because of their bad work record. There's a difference between someone who is on unemployment and has severance package or other financial package to allow him to thrive and someone who is living it up on unemployment with no plans to move forward or save until he gets back on his/her feet. Living at home with mom and dad is no longer a no-no, but WHY they are there is. So make no excuses for anyone, but be aware, if he or she is not making moves, you need to.<br />
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<b>7. The guy who borrows money from you.</b><br />
WTF!!! And that's exactly what you should say when he/she asks:"WTF!!". Know that whether you give the person who asks the money or not, it is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Save yourself the additional heartache that comes with staying in a relationship too long after this happens and quickly become unavailable and stop seeing him/her.<br />
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<b>8. The guy that won't marry you/commit to you.</b><br />
You want to be married, he does not. He's not sure. He wants to but not right now. Let me translate for you because obviously this is a language you don't understand: I do not want to marry you. What does that mean for you? Do I really have to write it?!? Yes, I do because if you're still with him, you don' get it: give him and more importantly yourself, the gift of good-bye. This IS the guy who will be engaged and married this time next year and no, it would NOT have been you if you stayed.<br />
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If he doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with you, first he's crazy because you're awesome! Secondly, he doesn't realize what a hawt number he has on his hands. Do you want to date someone that deft? If he's cheating and you're in a relationship or not committing because he doesn't want to "hurt you" leave him alone. By that, I mean, cut him off: no friendship, no calls, no texts, un-friend him on Facebook and completely disappear as far as he's concerned. This is NOT to hurt him or exact some revenge because he doesn't want you. If his wants and desires don't include you, don't care about what they are or what he's doing, LIVE YOUR LIFE. Eradicating him from your life cleans up your space to invite someone into it that wants you.<br />
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<b>9. The guy who doesn't WANT you.</b><br />
O-M-G!! This one gets on my last freaking nerves!!! I am so freaking tired of having to point out to a friends when the object of their desire doesn't want them. LADIES, STOP CHASING GUYS!! If he 's not calling you, asking you out, taking you out (and paying), introducing you to his friends and family, committed to you, wants to marry and actively pursuing it, having sex with you or at least desiring he wants to when you're married, putting you first and treating you like a million dollar glass vase and the utmost respect: HE - DOES - NOT - WANT - YOU!!<br />
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<b>10. The guy who has(__insert # over 3 here) of children but did not marry or have a significant relationship with any of the mothers of his children.</b><br />
I kinda talked about this in my prior blog, "When It Comes To Dating Dads". The only difference there is between dating someone who has kids and someone who does not, is that you already will know if he is mature, responsible, monogamous, parenting skills and how to put family (including you) first. If he's none of the above, ditch him!<br />
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There are plenty more that should be on this list, including the guys Saquan Jones who did this blog radio show ( <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"><a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/saquanjones/2011/09/29/face-first-at-says-place" id="yui_3_2_0_1_1317340892065119" rel="nofollow" style="color: #1e66ae; line-height: 1.22em; outline-color: initial; outline-style: none; outline-width: initial; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">http://www.blogtalkradio.com/saquanjones/2011/09/29/face-first-at-says-place</a></span>) describes and any guy who agrees with his advice. Like the movie the 'The Help', I was appalled, but thankful for the insight. I'm gonna keep listening, so should you!<br />
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What type of guy(s) have you learned to not date?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-90001965314090658402011-09-20T20:03:00.001-04:002011-09-20T20:22:06.623-04:00Healthy Sauteed Collard GreensRemember those mushy, oily, ham hock, turkey leg collard greens your grandmother used to make that took all day, was so unhealthy, but SO good? Well, this version is HEALTHY and DELICIOUS, I usually post advice only, but this recipe is that GOOD I had to tell you all about it.<br />
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BTW, my next post will be answering some questions from readers and other folks. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C1YqSdwn_8A/TnkpRJXm6QI/AAAAAAAAAI4/fRy4dz0pz5Q/s1600/collard+greens.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" rba="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C1YqSdwn_8A/TnkpRJXm6QI/AAAAAAAAAI4/fRy4dz0pz5Q/s1600/collard+greens.bmp" /></a></div>Sauteed Collard Greens<br />
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2 quarts of water<br />
1 chicken bouillon cube<br />
2 1/2 lbs(about 2 bunches) collard greens, de-stemmed, cleaned, then rolled and cut into 1 - inch strips<br />
1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar<br />
3 cloves garlic, minced<br />
1 tablespoon of olive oil<br />
1 teaspoon salt<br />
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes<br />
1/2 a lemon<br />
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1. Boil 2 quarts of water in a large pot. Add the chicken bouillon. Stir until dissolved. Bring to a rolling boil then add the collard greens. Stir.<br />
2. Add the apple cider vinegar and cover for 15- 20 minutes. Be careful not to over cook the greens or they will turn black and be too soft to saute.<br />
3. Drain the greens and set aside.<br />
4. Add the olive oil, garlic, salt and red pepper flakes to a large frying pan, sauteing the garlic for 3-5 minutes. Then add the collard greens. Saute for 5-10 minutes. The wetness of the greens should completely evaporate.<br />
5. Once the water has evaporated, squeeze fresh lemon juice over the collard greens. Serve.<br />
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I'm no cooking expert, so you can tweak this anyway you like. If you've had this before or plan to try it, I'd love to hear about it and other "healthy" soul food substitutions that can be made.<br />
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For other delicious recipes, head over to <a href="http://eatseekandbemerry.blogspot.com/">Eat, Seek and Be Merry</a> .<br />
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Bon Ape tit!MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-79666612729025228652011-08-25T22:41:00.001-04:002011-08-25T22:43:21.684-04:00Who gets the pew in church after a break-up?!?<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3oI_CcnobhE/TlcHcyp9_dI/AAAAAAAAAIw/lT4A6TJIsFc/s1600/coupleinchurch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" qaa="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3oI_CcnobhE/TlcHcyp9_dI/AAAAAAAAAIw/lT4A6TJIsFc/s320/coupleinchurch.jpg" width="211" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"></div><br />
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</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I'll never forget an excited phone call I received from a good friend several years ago. She had given her life over to Christ and convinced her boyfriend at the time to do the same. Several months later, they were engaged. She was excited and so was her new church family. They became the "it" couple. They joined the same ministries, attended the same church functions together and even sat in the same pew together Sunday after Sunday.</div><br />
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However, before the relationship evolved into marriage, the two split up and it was not amicable. Now, my friend, who had now built her life, both social and spiritual in their church, was devastated, almost embarrassed. Her life had become the church and so had her former fiance's. Determined to not let the incident deter her from her Christian life, she continued to attend the church. And so did he. Which ultimately became a HUGE problem. Not just for the former couple, but for the friends, associates and family members as well. Were her friends STILL his friends and was the opposite true? Were they still serving jointly in their respective ministries and more importantly, who gets the pew?!?<br />
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When deciding who gets what and goes where in a break-up that involves where you worship there are 3 things I advise prior:<br />
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1) Have a church/synagogue/temple/mosque home no matter where you live that you can call your own.<br />
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2) I advise you not to date within your religious place of worship. This is my opinion. I know everyone knows of couples who met and married in church, but based upon my experience and the many experiences of others, I am convinced these person are exceptions rather than the rule. There far too many churches and singles ministries for you to have to date within your own.<br />
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3) Keep your dating life and spiritual life separate in terms of where and who you worship with. I personally consider bringing someone to my church like bringing someone to meet my family or my parents. I'm not saying I wouldn't worship with the person I'm dating I would, will and do. I'm saying I wouldn't bring them "home" to my church until I felt we were solid and felt confident they would continue to be around.<br />
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Now let's say you do meet someone in church, meet someone and start attending church together or bring someone into your home church and unfortunately, it doesn't work out. Asking about "Who gets the pew?" may seem like a silly, comical question unless you have or are currently going through it. Regardless, it is a very valid conversation that needs to take place, especially if you are a spiritual person. Here are the 3 most important questions that will decide who gets what and where when it comes to the place of worship:<br />
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1) Is the place of worship the church of home or either or both of the partners?<br />
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If you both got "saved" or re-introduced to your faith and became members of the same place of worship, although it's difficult, both of you have every right to stay there. However, be sensitive to each other following the break-up and make sure to give each other the space one would need to heal and move forward in the future.<br />
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If one part of the couple is simply attending the other's home church and has not become a member, it may not be comfortable to continue attending the church immediately following the break-up. I'm not saying your banned. If you enjoyed the services, I definitely encourage you to continue attending, but give your ex some time to get over the loss of your relationship and consider his/her feelings in the matter.<br />
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2)Is your social/spiritual/business networks tied to the place of worship?<br />
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Church, especially in the minority community, is the epicenter of our social life. If you grew up in the South like me, you know that it is especially true. Not going to church cut yo off socially and somewhat economically. Church goers support church goers businesses. The congregation is also a rich resource of social and business networking and therefore cutting through every fabric of our lives. Once established at a particular church, curtailing membership can be much like cutting off an arm. And let's be real: socially, church circles are hard to penetrate and be a part of. Once you're blessed to be let into the church "inner circles" it is a prized possession that one must not take lightly.<br />
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If it is so in your case with the church you attended with your ex, you must tread lightly and carefully as to not disturb your relationships there. Believe me, many churches have sen "super couples" and not so super couples come and go, so you will find understanding and empathy to move forward and continue to worship.<br />
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3)Both of you are card-carrying members of the church and continue to attend and be involved in church. Who gets the pew?<br />
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Whew! The tough question to answer! But here go: Life takes us on all kinds of twists and turns and believe me, 0% of us are EXACTLY where and with (or without) whom we'd thought we'd be. Here's the deal with changes: you've gotta roll with them or they will roll right over you. Same with the pew. What it meant to sit in a particular place with your significant other versus what it would mean to sit in that one particular spot now are 2 different things. The pew becomes....just a pew. You can receive the Lord anywhere in the sanctuary and that is why you're there,right? So no one gets the pew! It belongs to everyone who worships there anyway.<br />
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Now, let me be clear, DO NOT start showing out in the sanctuary by staking your "claim" to a certain pew, service or annual church event. It always starts of innocently enough, you show up with your support group and your significant shows up with theirs and then there's the square-off. As difficult as it may be to do so, go out of your way to be gracious and then make whatever new pew, service or annual event you go to the hot place to be.<br />
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Now that your single, make sure you check out secular and non-secular singles events when you're ready, but don't let a broken heart or relationship keep you from worship wherever and however you choose to do it. Remember, faith led you thus far. And I'm OUT....but.....<br />
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Have you ever considered leaving your place of worship after a break-up? How did you handle it?<br />
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MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-31264164245750563182011-07-05T23:13:00.001-04:002011-07-05T23:58:43.452-04:00Ten Signs it's Time for a Man or a Woman to Settle Down I work with plenty of married and betrothed(engaged) men. Out of curiousity one day, I asked them what made them propose to their partners. As a woman I wanted to hear "A symphony plays every time she stepped into the room" or "Her beauty is incomprehensible". While they may feel this way (though never admit it), one thing was true and common among all of them: they settled down because it was time to not be a single playa anymore. <br />
<div align="center"><img class="rg_hi" data-height="275" data-width="183" height="275" id="rg_hi" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTONlQJ1TxzWXVhFV3J6gLxPQs_8FP8_0Wlr9FGrWP20lX8YXOv" style="height: 275px; width: 183px;" width="183" /></div><br />
It's true: there is a time, and it's different for everyone, where being single just isn't the move. For some it's in their twenties, for others it's their thirties or forties, however the signs are the same. And it's not just males who need to see signs that it is time to settle down, there are women also need these signs to do the same. Not all women are relationship driven or marriage minded. For men, there may be nothing better than another woman, but for some women, there's nothing better than a new admirer.<br />
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But regardless of your mindset or issues, there are signs that's it's time to hang up the saddle and settle down. Here are the 10 for Men and the 10 for Women.<br />
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MEN:<br />
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1) You have 2 or more children with 2 or more women, none of which you have full custody or mothers you are still in a relationship with.<br />
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2)The single women you tend to approach call the music you listened to as a young adult "Old School".<br />
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3)All your contemporaries conversations and topics of interest have changed except yours: they talk about their significant others and children, you talk about finding a new chick before you let the chick you're still with go.<br />
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4)Although you're an eligible bachelor, none of your friends or acquaintances want to hook you up with people they know and when you ask, they roll their eyes or openly introduce you with a verbal warning of how you're no good and they're "not responsible" for what happens between you.<br />
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5) All the women that know you or of you do not take dating you seriously.<br />
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6) The last time you introduced someone as your girlfriend or significant other was high school.<br />
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7)The meaning of "working things out" to you is getting your sex buddy back after a hiatus.<br />
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8)You approach a woman you've already dated but don't realize it until she points it out.<br />
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9) YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT SETTLING DOWN.<br />
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10) There are business establishments (restaurants, bars, clothing stores) you can no longer patronize because you've dated or slept with one or more persons on their staff.<br />
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WOMEN:<br />
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1) You have 2 or more children with 2 or more men, none of which you are still in a relationship with.<br />
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2)The men you date idea of good time is completely physical. Yours isn't.<br />
3)The word "responsible" isn't a word people who know you would use to describe you.<br />
4)You unknowingly passed a guy you were dating in the street and didn't recognize him because you've never seen him in daylight.<br />
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5)When an eligible bachelor comes up in conversation, your friends and acquaintances think of several options to hook them up with....but you're not one of them.<br />
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6)When your girlfriends are "Boo'ed Up", only one man's name is mentioned. When you're "Boo'ed Up", it's anybody's guess who you're actually with.<br />
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7)You see someone you actually babysat in the same club you're in.<br />
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8)You now only date men from out of state because you've dated/slept with everyone in yours.<br />
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9) The wedding invitations you receive stop giving you the option of Plus 1 Guest.<br />
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10) The thought of settling down has actually crossed your mind. <br />
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Do you think any of these signs hold true? What other signs are there for women and men who need to get out of the game and settle down?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-16794723558910033392011-04-03T20:43:00.000-04:002011-04-03T20:43:22.951-04:00The Black Dating Problem This past Monday, I had the pleasure of attending fellow blogger El's, author of andshewonderswhy.com relationship blog,"The Ideal Black Man?" A Panel discussion about where and how to meet the ideal Black man. <br />
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Since moving to New York 2 years ago, I have been to several Dating/Singles event which opened up the dialogue of why people, Black people in particular aren't dating each other. In a city where there are the highest number of young, working, educated and single Black men and women, the two sexes simply aren't hooking up. What's the problem?<br />
Someone want to de-cry a decades old predicted statistics that is far from accurate that states that there simply aren't enough Black men for Black women. This is a falsehood based and can be dissproven by the last U.S. Census, and yes it does not count for those in jail. In fact, if Black women were to become open to dating other minority races, in particular Hispanic men, there would be 2.5 men for every Black women in the U.S.<br />
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Now, it may seem like that's not the case because men and women tend to concentrate themselves in different areas of the United States. So where you are, yes, there may be more men than women, but overall this is not the case. I know this fact firsthand in North Carolina alone. Where I lived in southern part of N.C., there definitely seemed to be more women than men, especially educated hard-working ones. Yet, traveling in the northern part the state, towards Virginia, I found myself equal if not outnumbered by my male counterparts. It certainly makes a female feel GOOD. But I digress, the point I'm trying to make is, why compete with every women in NYC for the limited number of Black men here, when there is someone waiting for you in another part of the United States? Men do move for love. And unless you're in a carrer that is centered around the metropolitan city you live in, why restrict yourself to living there your entire life? If you truly want to be marrried and have children, you must undertsand that love cannot be on your terms alone. And in order to have a choice, we Black women do have to stretch our priorties a bit.<br />
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The panel discussion was no different than any othe event with the a different name or gal had been in the past, the only thing that didn't change was the outcome. An unequl represenatation of the sexes and arguing and debate about who's to blame for the problem versus how we can actively solve it.<br />
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Let's be clear: the issue is of great importance to not only our culture, but our society a a whole. Black, White, Hispanic and Asian (I could keep going) are NOT dating in a traditional sense and they are NOT getting married. Not only is this an economic issue (it costs single people and the government tons of money when people remain single), it is a devastating blow to our family structure and therefore, our way of life. Just as having absentee fathers in the home created a generation of fatherless children, a generation of children are growing up without proper family structures in favor of a more sefish way of life. Yes, both parents are involved (that is, with those that decide to have childeren) but they are growing up being taught through action that "me" is more important than "we". Being or deserving the best has somehow become quantitative rather qualitative and that's the HUGE issue. In dating terms that means, we all believe that we should dating the quarterback of the football team or the homecoming queen rather than finding someone that works best for us and being happy. We all feel that we could and should do better. We now feel that "happiness" is dependant upon "Who" we date, not "What" we are dating for, which is compatibility.<br />
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Now, before we can EVEN get to marriage, we have to get to meeting people first. How do we do that? Where do Black men go and hang out? Where do Black women go and hang out? How can we get these two sectors to meet? I do not have all the answers, in fact, I'd like the answers to those questions myself, lol. <br />
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But I can offer some assistance of what I do know:<br />
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<strong>A)You can meet a man in a sportsbar.</strong> Now if you're totally not into sports, do not do this. Don't try to learn stats and sound impressive about games you could care less about. Guys do not like that. It's a known fact that women aren't into sports as much as men (I'm not one of them but they do exist). But men do appreciate effort and getting into the sports spirit if you can. I've met men at sports bars and had several dates offered, you can too.<br />
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<strong>B)You can meet a man/woman at Professional Mixer.</strong> Not a singles mixer, not an after-work mixer per se, but a straight up professional mixer. There are plenty of them in the city. Check under every association there are. Greek, Medical Business, Accountants/CPA, you name it they have it and anyone can go. This is also a place where I have met Black men. If you know someone who is a professional in that area, bonus points!! That person can introduce you to their colleguages. That's your "in".<br />
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<strong>C)You can meet men at small book signing or listening events.</strong> Make sure it's not a HUGE event, but something meant for a particular genre or fan base and voila! If you smile and dance or start a small converstaion w/ someone there, you're guarunted to have a # before the night is over.<br />
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<strong>D)You can meet them online.</strong> Nowadays, people in their early twenties are of the generation who do date online. That's where my little cousins have met their boyfriends and there's no stigma to it for them. Our generation needs to get to that point. There are plenty of men and women online. Plenty. And if you don't believe love can be found online or like me, you feel like some of those eHarmony commercials are fixed, check out online love stories on any reputable dating site or Google online love stories. This stuff is real!<br />
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Now my suggestions are from a female perspective, but I do believe both men and women can benefit from it.Now on to the dating:<br />
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<strong>1) Give every girl/guy a chance.</strong> You may not like them at first or even afterwards only see friendship, but he or she may have friends and invitations to meet the person you could. <br />
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<strong>2)Network, by letting married, engaged or long-term couples you know and trust know that you are single and looking.</strong> Now, that shouldn't be the only thing you talk about every time people see you, but mention it at least once. People who aren't single love to hook single people up for various reasons.<br />
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<strong>3)Join a dating website.</strong> If you think that only ugly desperate people are online, you're wrong. One of the most physically attractive women I know met her her husband to be online. It wasn't that she didn't get attention everyday, all the time, where ever we went (do I sound bitter,lol?) from men, she simply wasn't meeting the type of guy she liked and dating jerks was becoming a waste of her time. She joined one of the premier dating websites, typed in what she wanted and what she was looking for and BAM! In 6 mos, she was engaged. If you don't want to have your picture out there, there are dating websites that allow you to withold your picture and pertinent information until you're secure to your suitors, so no excuses guys/gals! Just remember: approach and be approached.<br />
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<strong>4)Be OPEN.</strong> If you're not really ready to date due to a break-up or other intimacy issues, work on those but, and this is my advice only, do not take a break from dating. It is the worst thing you can do. Self-esteem and a plethora of other issues can develop which will hinder you from finding that special someone for you in the future. So even if it's a platonic date with a friend of the opposite sex, get out and date at least every other week. Give yourself a reason to get that haircut, new hairstyle or buy a new outfit. It doesn't matter if it's just for drinks or to check out a new play or movie. Go. Now if you're getting over a break-up, yes, stay home and grieve. But if it takes more than 90 days, it's time to get therapy and that's okay. Get it and get out there. You'll never get over it if you don't allow new things and people to come into your life. Real talk.<br />
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<strong>5) Stop waiting for that Diamond-In-The-Rough, the Captain of the football team or the Homecoming Queen to come along and deem you a worthy, hot, interesting and enviable person.</strong> Stop! You are all those things right now and it doesn't matter who's by your side to accomplish that, you must believe it and show people that yourself. Stop waiting for the girl whose nails, toes, hair and wardrobe meet your high standards, stop! Stop waiting for the guy whose body is in perfect condition, who smells good, dresses immaculate, tall and perfect hair cut, stop! These are all materialistic things that don't matter or can be changed. I'm not saying physical attractiveness doesn't count, it does! But too many people use their outsid appearance to cover up the horrible personalities they have. If they are clean and neat...and I'll say it again, if they are CLEAN and NEAT, respectful and most important intersted in YOU, then they are good enough for you. And you my dear, are NOT too good for anybody. Dating is not permanent nor is it marriage, so stop looking at it that way. View dating for what it is: a practice of courtship. The girl or guy you're not interested in can probably teach you more about how to be a proper date than the guy you really like. And guess what? When the one you want comes along, you'll know exactly how to treat him so that you go from dating to courtship to marriage.<br />
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Hopefully the next event with El will be as informative as my blog and people will be able to put these skills to use immediately and come back with wonderful results! <br />
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Do you plan to use any of the above advice? Have you already used the advice above? How did it work out?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-65182630753316108922010-11-23T23:51:00.005-05:002010-11-24T00:05:22.757-05:00When it's Time for the New Significant Other to Meet Your Friends<em>Some time ago, I began seeing a young man. We had gone out several times and even spent weekends together, but I hesitated to bring him around my friends. One day, he asked if we could have a date. He had a wedding to attend and I had a dinner to attend. Since his event ended earlier he suggested he meet up with me at the dinner. Whoa! Though we'd known each other for a month or so, I had no idea where the relationship was going. We were not exclusive and had yet to begin talking about being exclusive on any level. I didn't want to bring a guy who I was casually seeing around my close friends.</em><br />
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<em>Being a private person, it is understood that if I bring you around the crew, that you're not just some person I'm hanging around, but someone who is to hopefully become permanent in my life. It's my way of saying to my people, "This person is special to me and I trust him enough to bring him around you so treat him like family.". It also means that I trust that you will pass the "interview". Friends, ones who deeply care about you, will make sure that anyone you're putting your heart and feelings in, have your best interests at heart. They wanna know the person you decided to let become a part of your life is truly compatible with you and your life. The interview isn't even really intentional, it's simply a feeling out session where your intended and friends vibe or not. In conclusion, there was no need to bring him around and put him through the whole process if his intentions were unclear and perhaps even unknown at that point.</em><br />
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<em>Recently I pondered, when DO you bring the new "friend", "boyfriend" or "significant other" around? I came up with a few signs that let you know it's time!</em><br />
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<strong>1)You will feel it's the right time, i.e., instinct.</strong> <br />
You know you've found someone special when there aren't any questions left to be answered. I'm not saying that every guy or girl you bring around you're friends has to be "The One", but you should at least feel secure enough in the relationship that your gut instinct isn't telling you to STOP!or be cautious.<br />
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<strong>2)He/She asks to meet your friends.</strong> <br />
When a guy or a girl asks to meet your friends, it's a huge sign that they desire to know you on the same level and become as close to you as your friends are. They are letting you know that they do indeed plan to stay around for awhile. It's also their way of seeing how you feel about them. If you decline to bring your friends around or if your friends don't know about them, then they can deduce that perhaps you're not serious about them or the relationship as they may be.<br />
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<strong>3)You have become an exclusive item.</strong> <br />
So you both decided that you would no longer see other people. Congrats! It's new and fragile and there's nothing wrong with keeping your relationship private and special, but if he or she is ready to kick it with just you, just know he or she is ready to kick it with who you kick it with as well. Your the present, but your friends and family are part of the total package.<br />
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<strong>4)He or she has shown themselves to be reliable and respectful.</strong> <br />
The road to a secure relationship can be a bumpy one and blending two lives into one can be tricky. As you get to know one another, you learn each others' "Dos'" and "Don'ts", failings and good points. Regardless, when someone sees something special in you, they want you to know that you can rely on him/her and their word. They also treat you and anyone you associate with the same respect as they treat you. So if the person you're seeing isn't exactly being respectful or reliable, you should cut them off but if you don't, you might want to see where this relationship goes before you bring them around the permanent people in your life. <br />
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<strong>5)Your friends know about him or her because you speak of them in a positive manner.</strong> <br />
I don't know why, but some people always bring a guy or girl around their friends who they are constantly complaining about. Remember, your real friends are gonna have your back no matter what and if the person you're seeing isn't treating you right, they are gonna have problem with them. So don't expect your friends to all of a sudden have their emotions turned off just because the person you're dating decided to act right for one week straight and you decided to have him/her come along and hang out. If you want to continue to see them then fine, you're grown, do you. But don't expect your friends to like him when you like him and dislike him when you don't. It just doesn't work that way. If you hardly have anything positive to say about him or her, it's probably best that you don't introduce him or her to your friends. At least until your relationship stabilizes and you have nothing but positive things to say.<br />
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<em>If you're the friend(s) meeting the significant other for the first time, here are things you may need to do as well:</em><br />
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<strong>1) Be on your best behavior.</strong> <br />
Yes, when the boys/girls get-together it can be a wild,hilarious and crazy time. But who we are with our closest friends when no one is around can be a bit much for someone new. Remember you are a reflection of your friend and do not want to put him or her in a negative light. Be courteous and respectful while making sure you keep the new person at ease.<br />
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<strong>2) Do not put the new person on trial.</strong> <br />
Make polite conversation and ask casual questions you would of anyone you'd meet at any other time, i.e., a dinner party, after-work function, but don't ask personal questions or questions about the depth of your friends' relationship. This is not the Spanish Inquisition.<br />
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<strong>3)Do not flirt or get too close.</strong> <br />
Chances are that you and your friends may have similar tastes in men/women. And even if you don't, your friend may have just made a perfect catch with someone you may not have considered. You vibe,they vibe and are really cool. While that's a wonderful thing, do not let your mind or actions start to wonder. Be clear: Your friend has brought this person around to let you know how much they feel for this person and also to stake their claim on them. As the great reggae singer Patra once said, "My property is my property!". Do not cross the line.<br />
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<strong>4) Keep your opinions of the person to yourself.</strong> <br />
Keep in mind that you are not dating the person, your friend is. Unless asked, keep whatever opinions you have about the person to yourself. You may have differing opinions or points of views on sensitive subjects, but be clear as a friend, you sometimes have to grin and bear it. If the new significant other crosses the line and becomes disrespectful, it is up to your friend to correct it. If he or she does not, let your friend know in private.<br />
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<strong>5) Be happy for your boy or girl!</strong> <br />
Love is a wonderful and rare thing. When two people put aside their past hurts, experiences, disappointments and take a chance on bringing another person into their lives, it is a beautiful thing to witness. Goodness knows all we go through to get there so celebrate it and respect it. Give the new couple the time and space they need and simply wish them the best. <br />
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<em><u>Do you agree with these signs? Have you ever misjudged bringing someone new around your friends too soon? Please share!</u></em>MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-79482643187047100142010-10-21T20:37:00.002-04:002010-10-21T20:40:01.967-04:00Chivalry is not DEAD? Not Yet!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" nx="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_bYR-6pslHBE/TMDaIkEsQcI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/56TjRDjpYEY/s1600/chivalry+couple.jpg" /></div><br />
I recently took a trip Down South to Atlanta, GA to see one of my dear friend's nuptials. From the time I stepped on the plane at LaGuardia airport to the time I stepped foot back on the plane to NYC, I never lifted a solitary finger for assistance. Every door - opened. Every bag - carried. If I looked lost, it was only seconds before a man asked if I needed assistance. I even went to a place in the food court and the man in front of me asked if I would like bottled water on him. When I lived down South so many years ago, I expected everything that I just described. It was commonplace. It happened to every young woman, regardless of attractiveness or stature, everywhere, everyday. However being away from the South for so long, I felt like a superstar even though these men were only doing what they had been raised and taught to do: be a gentleman, be chivalrous. Not because women are helpless but because we are all ladies.<br />
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It's been almost 2 years since I'd been down home and during that time I lived in gritty NY. Although I grew up in nearby CT, NY is the almost the exact ooposite of any place I have ever lived when it comes to men being gentleman. It took me over 6 months to not admonish every boy or man I saw who didn't let a woman pass by, give woman a seat, open a door or hold out an umbrella on the street. Where were they raised? How were they raised?Who were they raised by, wolves? I'd ask myself that everyday. After a year, my seething anger subsided after seeing able-bodied young men sit on the train while elderly woman stood close by, hanging on to the closest railing for dear life. It was either have high-blood pressure or ignore it. <br />
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So where does chivalry exist? Definitely in the South, I'd say Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, parts of Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. It starts to wind down in North Carolina and Virginia where manners tend to be selective and random. Right around D.C. Maryland and P.A. it becomes scant and by the time you reach New York, you're lucky if you're not shoved by a man that's twice your size over a seat on the bus. No matter where you live,however, they do exist. But don't be fooled, there are wolves in sheeps' clothing. Below is just a few ways to find out if a man is a TRUE chivalrous gentleman or a fraud.<br />
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<strong>1)He opens and holds the door for ALL ladies.</strong><br />
True chivalry is not selective. It does not survey the scene for hot women or cougars nor does it look around to see if someone they may know is watching. It truly comes from within. You do it because it is simply polite and the right thing to do. I'm not suggesting any man become a doorman,not at all. Chivalry is and always has been reasonable.<br />
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<strong>2)He only enters or exits an elevator after all women and holds the elevator doors both ways.</strong><br />
When a gentleman is waiting with the opposite sex for an elevator, it is without question that all the women go first unless one of the women request that you enter before hand instead. Once inside, despite the floor, one of the men inside the elevator holds the elevator doors until the women exit first.<br />
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<strong>3)He carries or assists women and the elderly with luggage, bags or baby carriages without being asked or provoked by pity to do so.</strong><br />
As a gentleman, you don't wait for someone to ask for your assistance or struggle to the point where you have to assist otherwise you won't be able to go where you are going. Nor do you wait,hoping someone else will step up to the plate. What if it were your wife, girlfriend, aunt or grandmother who simply needed a kind hand to get into a cab,walk up the stairs or have her groceries carried for her?You would do it, right?Then be that person, don't wait and then reluctantly helpas if you were the last one out of a game of dodgeball.<br />
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<strong>4)He picks a young lady up on a date whether they walk, drive or hail a cab. He walks her from and to the door at the beginning and conclusion of the date.</strong><br />
I'll never forget my first date in NYC. We picked a rainy Saturday for dinner and the movies. Once he arrived, he called me on the phone, " I'm here!" he announced. I opened my door and saw no one was there. <br />
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"Are you sure?", I asked, "I just opened the door and no one was there."<br />
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"Oh, I'm in the car. It's raining.". OOOHHH.He didn't want to get wet, but if I did so, that was alright! I replied <br />
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"Didn't you bring an umbrella so that you can walk me from the door?" I asked. <br />
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"Naw, I don't think I did, at least I can't find it." It didn't stop there. Irritated but already dressed and ready to go, I walked out my front door to the car and stood there.I just knew this ninja would AT LEAST open up the car door for me. Negative. When he didn't pop out, I knocked on the car window to give him a hint. He rolled down the window slightly and said, "The door is open". Needless to say there was no second date.<br />
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<strong>5)His chivalry does not depend on gratitude for his behavior, he does it because it's the right thing to do.</strong><br />
Nothing gets under my skin more than guys who complain every time a female does not show undying gratitude every time he opens the door or does something chivalrous or polite. Number one: being a gentleman is not something you do for recognition and acknowledgement. People do wonderful things every day and never get thanked for them and they are okay with that. Why? Because doing good is something you do out of the goodness of your heart and because it is right,not for reward. Am I saying that women are not supposed to thank guys for opening the door or assisting them? No way. Women are just as obligated to be ladies and say thank you, but don't expect it and certainly don't be angry about if they don't. That's a HUGE tell tale sign that a true gentleman you are not. (Now, there are some deep,South men- think Gone With The Wind- who will quickly let you know that they are not to be lauded for what they are supposed to do. So if you're in the deep South, gauge the young men you encounter,it may offend them to say thank you)<br />
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<strong>6)A chivalrous man does sit while there are woman standing, anywhere, at any time, for any reason.</strong> <br />
A couple of years ago, while commuting to NYC from CT, I boarded a train car that had very few empty seats. I was the only female that entered the car with 5 other men. I decided to stand and grabbed the nearest pole, not realizing that I was the only female not sitting in the car. Seconds after grabbing the pole, one of the men came up to me and pointed out an open seat. " No thank you" I replied. " No, please sit.", another man asked. " It's okay', I said. Moments after the words left my mouth I realized that not one of those men would take any of those empty seats until I had sat down and the men who were sitting were getting upset b/c I was making them uncomfortable just because they were. Finally realizing that I was amongst gentlemen, I knew it was my duty to be a lady and take a seat so they could do their duty as males. I quickly took the nearest seat, and quickly heard slight sounds of relief as the a few of the men were then able to sit down after me.<br />
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A lot of men want to know why they should be chivalrous in this day and age when women claim they want to be treated as equals and even refuse the few common courtesies men extend to them? Well, why should men be chivalrous in the age feminism? I pondered this while I was in Georgia last week and tweeted my one thought on the matter: Radical feminism is the issue, not feminism itself. <strong><u>Chivalry is not dead, it was just knocked out by radical feminism and only needs a few good men to resuscitate it.</u></strong> Let's make it simple: Chivalry is simply being polite and mannerable. Chivalry does not and never has equaled male supremacy. What I mean by that is, we as women should be given every equal opportunity at work, home and government. However, we are STILL women, still have our roles to be women and should be treated as such. Equal pay and the right to vote does denote that I don't want to be treated as a lady. <br />
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Secondly, the number one and most important reason men should practice chivalry is because it FORCES women to act like ladies. I'm gonna get killed for this but here go: Men, you truly can have ANY woman you desire cook, clean, iron your shirts and not talk crap about it just by courting. It is the God fearing truth. Some women don't want you to KNOW that, others do but will make you figure it out,but there you go. No longer will you have to ask or hope she does the things you were taught women should do, you can actually make her by being a true chivalrous gentleman (taking out the garbage, bringing flowers randomly, asking her out on a date even though you're already exclusive, keeping her vehicle as well-kept as yours,etc) she will be wrapped so tight around your finger, she will not be able to see straight. I hope I don't lose my Women Power card for that........<br />
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Lastly, anthropologically speaking, there are gender roles that exist and are needed in every relationship in order for there to be balance and success within it. It doesn't denote being powerless or slave labor to our husbands or partners, it simply means we have choice. But choosing to be treated less than what we deserve was never on any agenda when we fought for our rights in the 60s and 70s. Those thoughts came from the fear that culminated over men who abused their positions. Good men don't do that. So yes, you should expect the door to be open, an umbrella to be held for you while still taking that seat as a judge on the Supreme Court. This is the power and privilege in being a woman and you should never allow anyone to take that special part of your feminism away from you or make you think you should not expect or deserve it.<br />
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My list of chivalrous actions is far from all inclusive,what other actions make a true chivalrous,gentleman?<br />
Do you agree that men should still practice chivalry in this day and age?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-31566644949140016242010-09-20T22:20:00.003-04:002010-09-20T23:01:44.066-04:00Deciding To Date a DAD<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_bYR-6pslHBE/TJgTeZGkRWI/AAAAAAAAAGI/HaN5J6L9a-4/s1600/dad+with+baby+%232.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qx="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_bYR-6pslHBE/TJgTeZGkRWI/AAAAAAAAAGI/HaN5J6L9a-4/s320/dad+with+baby+%232.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">While out with a good friend, we decided to have her boyfriend and godschild come along and hang out. I was amazed at the ease and compatibility my friend had with her boyfriend's goddaughter, who he helps to raise. In fact, their going out that night depended on if the event they were attending was child-friendly, not too late and if all other failed, getting a babysitter. They were so responsible and cute!</div><br />
The interaction made me realize (even though this was a god parent situation)that we are at the age where more often than not, the available men in our dating bracket would be fathers. <br />
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Now let me get this out there right away: I know what you guys are saying, guys have to deal with single mothers all the time. But look, here's the thing: in the few generations that have passed, usually it's the man having to make a decision if he wanted to be with a woman who has a child. But now, having a those generation of men grow up with absentee fathers, this generation of men are determined to be anything but and that's good. Gone are the fathers who children would only see occasionally on street corners or speak to over the phone several times a year if that. Gone are the fathers who only see their children two weeks over the Summer or every other holiday at Big Momma's house. What it has also started is a generation of single, childless women having to decide if THEY want to date a man who has a child present in their lives. Now men are either the sole guardian parent or co-parenting daily with the mother of their child. And it's great. It's the way it should be if things did not work out with the mother of their child. <br />
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Now, am I open to dating fathers? I'll admit in the past I was not. I was nowhere near ready for a serious relationship and I felt that men who were fathers were looking for serious relationships and if not, they should be. However, time has changed that attitude. I've met men who I've either dated or would have loved to date who were fathers. Since this a major area of dating for me now, as with most things in my life, I do have guidelines and rules I follow when Dating Dads:<br />
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<strong><u>Kim's 8 Rules For Dating A Dad</u></strong><br />
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1) <strong>I will only date a man w/ a child(ren)who's only or youngest child is over the age of 5. </strong>Let's face it: an umbilical cord will tie you tight around a man and the first few precious years of a child's life are a honeymoon period of solidarity for even the most ill-fated couple. If a couple isn't meant to be together, if they have a child, I've found that after a period of five years both parties move on together or seperately without looking back, which is why the age of the child(ren) is important to me.<br />
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2) <strong>I will only date a man w/ a child(ren) who is no longer in love/sexing/open to being in a romantic relationship with the mother of his child.</strong> I have seen some 'WHOO-HOO' situations in my lifetime concerning this one. One of them being when a man is unable to let go of the woman who is the mother of his child. Yes, women can be out there too when they are still in love with the father of their child, but they have nothing on a man who is still in love. Once a man drove to his ex-wife's house where she lived with her new husband to pick up their child and while crying on his knees begged her to leave her new husband and come back to him. All of this while she was holding her newborn child in her hands. Oh, and did I mention he was on a date at the time? Yeah. Crazy stuff like that. The issue is, if he is still attached to the mother of his child emotionally or physically, there can not possibly be a future for him with me. These type of fathers do crave companionship and intimacy, but their heart (or penis) remains with the ex. Until he is ready to completely let go and move on, and some of them never do, it's just not worth the emotional turmoil and possible embarrasment.<br />
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3) <strong>I will only date a man w/ a child(ren) if he is fully active and responsible in his child(ren)'s life. </strong>What men who have children have over men that don't is that you can quickly asses what type of partner and father he is or will potentially be. If he's a doting father who takes care of all his child(ren)'s needs without be asked, you know he's a good provider. If he isn't taking care of his business with his child(ren) then you know he will not do it for you and you can move on to the next guy.<br />
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4) <strong>I will only date a man w/ a child(ren) if he has a respectful, drama-free relationship with the mother of his child(ren).</strong> Look, as a single, child free female, I DO have a choice in dating men without kids. That being said, why would I choose to be in a situation where I'm being chased down, cussed out, harassed or simply watching it happen to the person I'm dating if I don't have to. So men, choose the women you decide to lie down with CAREFULLY. <br />
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5) <strong>I will only date a man w/ child(ren) if he has two baby mommas or less AND he must have either been married or tried to establish a long-term relationship with at least one of them.</strong> If a man has two or more babymommas or more than one child with one woman and he didn't marry or establish a monogamous relationship with her for the long-term, then what would make me think I'll fare any better? Men who jump ship when things get rough are not great potential partners so I'd next him.<br />
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6)<strong> I will only date a man w/ a child(ren) if he is fiscally responsible.</strong> Okay, I'm far from great with money, but all I have is me and I handle my business. But if he has a child(ren) and he's always broke or isn't taking care of their finacial needs before his(i.e., he always has the latest swag, but just can't find the money to send his child support payments or buy Junior the clothes he needs)then what makes me think he'll put me first? He's most likely a selfish jerk and if having a child didn't change him, I won't either.<br />
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7) <strong>I will only seriously date a man w/ a child(ren)if he is open to having a child(ren) with me.</strong> Depending on how many children and the experience a man has, it is fully possible that a father may dream about the day where he no longer has to be fully responsible for another human being(s). I find that this is true with men who become fathers or marry quite young. The reasons for feeling this way varies and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Where it concerns me is that I do want to have children and want to have children with someone who wants to have and raise children with me. If he's done with that part of his life, then we simply aren't meant to be.<br />
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8)<strong> I will only date a man w/ a child(ren) long-term if he is looking to to be stable and married.</strong> A player is a player is a player. Just because a man has child(ren) and is a responsible parent by no means denote that a man wants to settle down. I know fathers who play the field and will probably continue to do so for the rest of their lives. I could become a long term girlfriend or "friend" and I may even meet his child(ren), but I'll never be the only one. Not only that, it is quite easy to get attached to a child. So, not only would I have to nurse a broken heart from the guy when he moves to the next chick, but over the loss of his child(ren) in ymy life. I personally refuse to get suckered into this type of guy. If he says he wants to settle down, but his actions and behavior don't match his words, I'm out.<br />
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<strong>BONUS RULE:9) I will only date a man w/ a child(ren) if he is able to handle them properly.</strong> Okay, let me be delicate about this because I do not have children and I don't want to offend those that do. But here it is: Some people just have bad behind kids. Not only do they have ill-behaved children, but they are HORRIBLE at disciplining them, if at all. I grew up under the Big Momma era and on top of that in the South. When a parent speaks, as a child you listen. No ifs, ands or buts. Not only are having ill-behaved children nerve wrecking to be around, they can put a serious strain on any relationship you may have with their father, especially since as a non-relative or parent, it's not your place to say or do anything. For me, a bad kid denotes bad parenting skills unless there is a medical problem. If you can't handle a six-year old, then you definitely can't handle me. This is a bonus rule because I get it, it may be taking it too far but it's still a real issue to me.<br />
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So for single ladies who are involved with dads I hope you do not have to go through any of the issues outlined here. We can't predict who we will fall in love with and many of the issues above you won't know until you're already deeply involved. If this describes you and that's the case, I wish you luck. But if you see any of these issues before you fall head over heels, I suggest you communicate your concerns and wait to see if the behavior or situation will improve. If it doesn't, be OUT!!<br />
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Do you have any guidleines are rules you follow when considering a potential mate who has a child(ren)? If so what are they?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-72944963630948711642010-08-23T23:48:00.000-04:002010-08-23T23:48:24.616-04:00Excuse Me if I Don't Feel Like Being in a Fake Relationship!Not too long ago, I met a guy that took up all my time, hung out with me, you know the whole nine. We cooked together, cleaned , made "plans" with our friends.I thought, okay, this guy really likes me. So I told him how I felt. He told me he wasn't interested in having a "girlfriend". I told him we could no longer be "just friends" since I was interested in having a "boyfriend". He told me he would think about not being my friend , but in the meantime could we still hang out? In fact, it took weeks for him to stop calling, emailing and coming by. He couldn't understand what MY problem was. I mean, excuse me if I don't feel like being in a fake relationship! <br />
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I'll admit, over the years I've perfected being the perfect female buddy to many guys. It's not the position I jockey for every time, but in the past, the one I had settled for when a romantic relationship was not in the cards. I wasn't just the beer guzzling, football, basketball girl pretending to be just one of the jocks though. I was the flirty, touchy-feely, hold hands and late-night phone call girl that the guys could call and lead on without ever having to be called out girl. And I accepted it. Each time one of these "fake relationships" popped up, I gladly settled into my place. I never questioned why I was never the girl who was asked out on a date, never the girlfriend but always the "home girl". In fact, I can't tell you how many times these guys popped up with girlfriends and I could never figure out when or how they had the time to get one since they spent a lot of their time with me! I never crossed the line physically or sexually with any of these guys(I didn't want to get hurt), but the intimacy we shared through spending time and getting to know one another, sharing secrets was deeper than any physical act could ever be and I fed off of it.<br />
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I remember times when I would have to explain, embarrassingly, my "fake relationships" with my overly flirtatious guy buddies when our behaviour would become public. Once, a guy friend even kissed me full on the mouth! I was so embarrassed when I had to tell my friends that this guy, who was so willing to be publicly affectionate with me, was not willing to discuss the possibility of being in an actual relationship with me. I knew then these type of relationships had to end.<br />
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So in order to stop being the girl in the "fake" relationship I came up with rules:<br />
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1)Your time, your space and your person is precious. You are special. You are wonderful and you are a beautiful person, especially when people get to know you. Ever wonder how that girl with a bitchy attitude gets that sweet guy? It's because she keeps that sweet wonderful part of her under lock and key until someone comes along and proves they deserve that part of her. I'm not suggesting you become a full out be-otch or jerk. What I am suggesting is that you not give away your time, your space and your sweetness to just anyone that comes along.<br />
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2) Be true to what you want! Never say or act like you want less than what you want. In other words, don't settle for less because you like/love someone. Don't keep thinking that one day he/she will come around and feel the same way you do about them now. How they feel about you RIGHT NOW and how they are treating you RIGHT NOW is what is important. One cannot predict the future. Do not allow someone to use you as their stepping stone until someone they really want and will treat well comes along.<br />
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3) Be direct. If you have hung out more than twice, go out regularly and call each other just as much, you have every right to state your feelings and ask important questions. Protect your heart because no one else will. Ask how the other person feels about you. Ask if the relationship is going anywhere. No one has the right to keep you in limbo and you have every right to not stay there and walk away.<br />
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4)Don't let people take advantage of your romantic feelings. Come on. Don't let a guy use you physically or let a girl use you as a cuddle buddy when times get rough. Sure, we'd all love to have no strings attached sexual or non-sexual intimacy every one in awhile, but usually only one person is benefiting from that, and it's usually not you in the end. While you get attached thinking they really care, they are usually making plans to be with someone else.<br />
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5) Your time is precious. Do not spend it on anyone that is not willing to make a commitment to you. So stop the late phone calls, the all night text conversations, Twitter and Facebook conversations, hanging out at a moment's notice and being the stand-in "date" when a last minute invitation is given. You are better than some one's lonely talk and afterthought! If he/she calls, be polite but keep the conversation short. If he/she doesn't call you at least three days in advance to invite you somewhere, say you have plans. If he/she asks you for help and then tries to turn it into an all day social outing, politely excuse yourself after an hour of "helping" and GO HOME! She can find someone else to put that shelf together and he can cook, clean and run errands just as efficiently without you as he can with you. Remember, if you were that special to them, you'd be that special someone, not just a friend.<br />
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In conclusion, it takes forever to really get to know someone but only a minute to fall in love. And your worth both! Have you ever been in a "fake" relationship? If it's over, how did you end it?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-88304659829711636552010-08-11T20:28:00.000-04:002010-08-11T20:28:26.229-04:00Back-handed compliments:Thank you or F**k you?Not too long ago, I was attending an event with a friend. We ran into a past classmate there. As we exchanged greetings, the classmate remarked on our current looks. I remembering thanking God that I actually decided to put some effort into my appearance that day. "Girl you look great!", she said to me, "Who knew you could be so cute?". Blank stare. Who knew I could be so cute? How in the heck was I supposed to respond to that? With a Thank you or F&%k you?I mean, was that a compliment or a diss? If I looked good or "cute" as she put it, she should have kept her comment to just that. Instead, she wrapped her words in an insult known commonly as the Back-Handed Compliment. Adding the "Who knew?" was just unnecesary.<br />
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And maybe she wasn't trying to be rude or insulting. Let's face it: many of us have put our foot in our mouths plenty of times. Many years ago, I recall having a conversation about how I just had to lose the 10 lbs. I had gained over the Summer. The friend (I hope she doesn't call me out if she reads this) asked, "You look fine, how much do you weigh?"<br />
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I replied, "I weigh about 130lbs!" I exclaimed"I'm so FAT!" <br />
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She squinted her eys at me and replied, "That's how much I weigh" <br />
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Scrambling, I quickly replied, " Yeah, but you look good with the extra weight." YIKES!!! It took a LONG time for her to let that one go. But again, I was in no way trying to be insulting and she knew that. Unfortunately there are people who intentionally give insults wrapped in a would-be compliment.No one's a stranger to back-handed compliments or passive-aggresive insults as they are called in pysychology.<br />
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Anyway, the rude girl I ran into comments that day got me to thinking about where these unnecesary comments come from and why. This what I've come up with:<br />
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1) Simply put: They hatin' on you. Okay, I dislike the term 'haters' mainly because most people do not have haters, they are simply disliked and for good reason (yep, check yourself first before you declare haterism people). But in the case of the back-handed compliment, if only for that moment, it's quite true. If a person cannot accept the fact that you either handled a job well, performed above measure or simply looked exceptionally well without reproach, it is what it is.<br />
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2)They want to put you in your "place", i.e., "I'm still better than you". So imagine that whenever you walk into a room people constantly compliment you for work achieved or perceived everyday. All of a sudden, one day or several days in a row, someone comes along and takes away your shine. It's a little disturbing, is it not? Well, that's what happens when certain persons put their confidence and attractiveness in other people's hands other than their own, their so-called confidence is easily shaken resulting in a not-so-nice comment towards you that is determined to shake your confidence as you did theirs.<br />
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3.) Maybe we're genetically inclined. Africa has a long history of checking people in a different way than we do in the Western hemisphere. For instance, it is expected that when attending an urban event or party that people will not arrive on time and it's suggested that it comes from some tribal beliefs in parts of African culture that it is rude to show up to a party on time. Guest are expected to arrive anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour than suggested. Another belief from the African diaspora is to not over compliment or praise someone for their actions, work or beauty.For example, you may call a women very pretty but then also suggest that she may have worn larger earrings or a different colored headdress. This was done so to keep people from being overly confident or getting too comfortable with their achievements, what we call getting a "big head". Not a bad idea when done for a good reason.<br />
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These may very well be the reasons people say some of these ugly things. But what's more important, since the only thing you can control in the situation is you, is how to respond. The number one thing I reccomend is IGNORING it or WALKING away. Nothing would frustrate the insulting peson more. But if you find you are in a situation where you simply cannot ignore or get away from the person or it happens more than once. Call them on it!I've come up with several snappy answers to a few common back-handed comps:<br />
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1)Your pretty...for a dark-skinned girl.<br />
A) I think I'm pretty period, don't you?<br />
B) But what if I were Asian, would I be as hot?<br />
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2)WOW...you're pretty smart for a blonde.<br />
A) And I was just thinking you're not bitchy for a brunette!<br />
B)Thank you! And I don't care what anyone else says... you're not an a$%hole.<br />
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3)Wow... you actually look GOOD today!<br />
A)Thanks! What about yesterday, did I meet your approval?<br />
B)And you actually smell nice! We both stepped it up today! Yea for us!<br />
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4)You look great for your age.<br />
A)Thank you! You have the greatest inner beauty of anyone I know!<br />
B)Aww, I wish I was like you and could leave the house looking any kind of way.<br />
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5)For an athlete, you're pretty smart.<br />
A) Yes, I'm not afraid to use all those big words I learned in college like "the' & "and".<br />
B) Well, I earned a 3.0 while practicing twice a day, playing three games a week and traveling. What were you doing while you earned your 2.5?<br />
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What are some back-handed compliments you received? What did you say/do?MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-92097909689809353482010-07-28T19:01:00.001-04:002010-07-28T23:08:07.924-04:00A Hello is sometimes just a HELLO! Or I ain't SWEATIN' you!Just so you know, I'm not SWEATIN' you!<br />
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Sometime ago, I attended an after-work social event. The kind we have all been to: reduced drinks, free admission, hot DJ. The person I attended with was a regular to these events and knew most of the crowd that had shown up. She pointed out some of the young men there and gave short bios on each one. One young man worked in the same field I was in at the time and being that there were very few Black people in the industry, I wanted to connect. My opportunity came when I went up to the bar for my 2-for-1 drinks. As we ordered from the bartender I simply said hello, introduced myself and weaved my occupation into the brief convo. He was polite and we briefy talked. I told him it was nice to meet him and stated if we saw each other at a trade event, we'd speak. That was it. I didn't ask for his business card, phone number or email address nor did he offer any of his. It was a straight networking connection. At least on my end. As the night went on, we exchanged glances and I wondered what was up with the stares. I shrugged it off and did not give it a second thought.<br />
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Fast forward to a month later. At another event, I saw the same guy. This time he was surrounded by a group of his friends, including one guy I knew personally. I smiled as I walked by but in return, I got a few snickers, glances and a sly smile, not just from him but from all his buddies too. Eventually, my friend who was a part of his "crew" came over to say hello. He asked if I knew the guy in question. I replied with how I met him.<br />
"Well, he thinks you like him. He said you tried to kick it to him at a function last month".<br />
WTF!?!? Was he serious? "You've got to be kidding me," I told my friend, " I was simply networking, I never expressed any interest in him whatsoever!". Man, was I heated. Since when did saying 'Hello' equal 'I want to bear your children'?<br />
"It didn't sound like you, you're pretty direct and I told him so, but I had to come over and check." he said.<br />
First of all, there is no anger like anger from being accused of liking someone you don't or being with someone you haven't. Why? Because there is no real way to disprove it. All you can do is deny it, but people will still wonder and be like hmm... and you, you wanna kill somebody!I had to get my head straight. Was I back in 6th grade? Was this guy really walking around with his chest puffed out as I walked by because he thought I was "sweatin'" him? C'mon son!<br />
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I wish I could say he was the only guy I encountered in NYC like that, but unfortunately that would not be true. There have been men, and I use that term loosely, that have taken my perceived interest in them and used it like a Billboard posting that states "I am so hot! Need proof? She wants me!" Grow up! <br />
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And I'm not saying men are the only ones. Oh no. Women do it too. Don't get me wrong, I like my ego to be stroked just as much as the next person, but not at the expense of anyone's reputation or feelings. Because of this, I've realized from time to time, we all need to check our egos and not jump to conclusions nor hold onto them because feelings and interests do change. Here are a list of "Don'ts" to go by to keep your 'Hellos" and friendly convos from becoming ego driven nightmares.<br />
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1)<b>Don't think that everybody that steps to you wants you.</b> A 'Hello' or friendly convo is just that. Stop equating every person that comes up to you with "Attack of the Killer Street Pimps" from the movie 'Hollywood Shuffle' or the guys in the opener of 'She's Gotta Have It'. Not everyone that approaches you wants to drink your bathwater.<br />
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2)<b>Don't read into something that's not there.</b> Just because someone finds you intriguing and wants to get to know you better, that does not denote that they trying to get AT you. It's amazing how people forget their social or occupational position when it comes to the opposite sex. If you work for a non-profit that provides clothing for the homeless and I'm trying to start one, you may ACTUALLY be a good person to know professionally. Unless the person states they are interested in you for more than friendship, don't assume they are. I befriend interesting individuals all the time. I'd hate to think that every single one thinks I'm on a mission to tap that a*%.<br />
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3)<b>Don't exploit another person's perceived interest in you.</b> For one, your ego will be hurt unneccesarily when you find they either don't want you or deny interest and your face might get cracked if you brag to your girls or your boys that so & so are "feelin' you" when they are not. And if the person is feeling you, how do you think they will feel when they see you acting like a kid at his first 6th grade dance smirking and acting like jerk with your girls or boys in public places? It's such a turn-off. Believe me, if they were feeling you before, they will stop! <br />
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4) <b>Don't act "too good" to speak.</b> I'm not saying to encourage someone you're not interested in if they expressly said they were. But if you're the guy and the girl was nice to you, say hello. If your a girl and the guy was respectful, speak when spoken to. It costs nothing and yet amounts to so much of your character to be polite. Assuming someone is after you because they approached you could be harmful to your personal and professional life. Who wants to connect with a stuck-up, ego driven individual? <br />
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What about my situation? I've seen the guy out and about several times since then. Should I have taken the "L" and preserved his ego by not clearing up his obvious mistake about my interest in him? Or should I have let him know that I was in no way "sweatin' him and deflate his ego? And ladies we all know how guys can be when you hurt their egos. What I had decided was that telling my friend about it was enough. I'm sure he brought that back to the guy not to mention the fact that I haven't spoken to him since our first encounter. That alone should have tipped him off that I was not into him that way. But I'll never know for sure. What I do know for sure is that when people like him finally grow up, a lot of us will have outgrown them.<br />
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I'm sure there are plenty of other scenarios that people have experienced on both sides of the fence: thinking someone wanted us when they didn't and having someone think that you are into them when you weren't. Feel free to share!MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-78206229374518442602010-07-16T00:14:00.000-04:002010-07-16T00:14:18.074-04:00Asked to help a friend move into a new place? JUST DO IT!!In the past two years, I have moved a total of three times. The first time into the Big City, the second time into a new apartment since the first one went into foreclosure and a third time into my new studio apartment. Twice I rented a huge UHaul truck and twice I've hired movers. Needless to say, the hired help was more reliable. Not that my family and friends don't love me and I them, but really, who likes to move? No one, not even themselves, which is why moving services are such rackets.<br />
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Being in the city I've learned that it is quite a luxury to not have to move from place to place year after year. Being able to stay in one spot means you have a fabulous rent controlled apartment, live in an illegal structure, pay under the table or have crazy, mad dirt on your landlord which prevents him/her from going up on your rent. If you do not fall into any of these categories, chances are every year or other year you've moved into a cheaper or better apartment time after time. Which means time after time, you've hired movers or have asked friends to help you move, and probably more of the latter. Living in the city, no matter how much you make, is expensive.<br />
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That's just life. A friend that needs help moving is indeed a friend in need. But there are rules of etiquette to be followed on both sides whether you are the friend that is moving or the friend that is helping. Here they are:<br />
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The Friend Who is Moving:<br />
1) Be organized. Pick the day(s) you are going to move at least 2-3 wekks ahead of time and ask your friends to set aside that day and the estimated hours it may take to move your things.<br />
2) Be packed. Have a packing party with wine and pizza if you must, but have your boxes and bags packed ahead of time. I'm guilty of not following this rule. This WILL result in people not being "available" to help you move the next time and if you live in NYC, there will be a next time.<br />
3) Offer compensation: Offer to feed your crew WELL in addition to returning any needed favors. Yes, you may have to housesit, doggy-sit, and help run errands over the next few weeks, but you will save lots of cash and honestly, if they are your friends, you would do the favors anyway. Which brings me to my next item:<br />
4) Only ask your close friends and family to help you move. Moving can be rather intimate situation and honestly too huge of a favor to ask random co-workers, acquaintances or associates to assist in. What makes for an awkward situation is when you do not know which people fall into which category. Believe me, when you ask them to help you move, you will find out! Don't get bummed if someone says no if you ask. Most people have a strong desire to help others, but due to legitimite reasons, simply cannot. But if someone simply doesn't want to do it, respect that and move on. Again, the response will define for you where you are in their life and where they should probably be in yours.<br />
5) Say THANK YOU. Your friends and family do not owe you one thing, not one iota in the world. Even with pizza and beer and lining that skirt like you promised for your best friend will not excuse you from stating your gratitude to each and every person who assisted you in moving. Say it loud, say it clear and say it often: THANK YOU!<br />
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The Friend Who Is Helping<br />
1) If your friend asks you to move, SAY YES! Unless you honestly cannot make it for reasons out of your control, do not turn your friend down when they obviously need you. Yeah, who doesn't want to to spend their Saturday morning or afternoon laying around on the sofa or taking care of much needed errands, but a good friend will, even if reluctantly, be there to help. Remember, asking for help, even with close friends, can be difficult for some people despite what you may think. And honestly, you should be flattered. I'd be hurt if I found a friend moved and didn't think to ask me for help. A friend in need is a friend INDEED.<br />
2) Show up on time. If the move is scheduled for Noon, be there at 11:55 a.m. or earlier. Nothing makes a situation as horrible as thinking no one or not enough people will show up to help you. Renting trucks, cars, vans or even worse, borrowing other people's vehicles to do the move means you have a very limited amount of time. Taking the attitude of "I'm not getting paid" or "They are lucky I'm coming" shows a lack of respect for your friend and your relationship.<br />
3) Come ready to work. Moving is a lot of work that needs to be done in a finite period of time. Coming in a "lazy haze" does not help. Picking and choosing what items you will or won't carry only makes for a difficult situation. Unless you have a bad back or knees, pitch in where you fit in and don't stop moving until everything is moved out and then ultimately moved into the new place.<br />
4) Be as pleasant as possible(no griping). As I mentioned before, no one wants to help someone move, people do not want to move themselves, again, who does? But if you are going to be there for your friends and family members, then leave that attitude at home. Moving is already a crazy, fast paced event, not to mention leaving a place can be quite emotional. Do not add to the crazy by being Mr/Mrs. Grinch. Don't remind your friend that you're only there for the pizza/liquor/dinner being served every 5 minutes, because believe me, THEY KNOW.<br />
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Well, those are my main etiquette rules for moving. I will be assisting in a well-planned, well thought out move for a friend this month. I appreciate her OCD level attention to detail, especially in this endeavor. My shift begins this Saturday at Noon and I'll only say it once and here in this blog to keep in accordance with my rules: I'm SO looking forward to the booze and food afterwards,lol! Happy moving!MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2191305690115815152.post-31485805913669550702010-07-12T22:26:00.000-04:002010-07-12T22:26:29.986-04:00Back to LoveOne day, not too long ago, I had a "day of reflection", we all need one every once in a while. On my day, I reflected on the rejection of love, or the perception of it.<br />
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I realized that there have been times in my life where I did not allow myself to be loved, mainly because I was unaware of all the types of "love" that exist. I only knew of 2 kinds: Family(unconditional) love and romantic love. That's it. So, if you weren't family and I wasn't "in love" with you in a romantic way and you with me, then we had absolutely nothing to talk about, no reason to be around each other, excluding my girlfriends of course.<br />
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And man, if you were a guy and I was crushing on you, feeling you,"loving" you and wanting you? Then those feelings had better be returned or else hell fire and brimstone. If I liked you and you didn't like me back, I'd go into this "You don't deserve the wonderful, awesome Kimberly that everyone else who loved, adored and sees all these wonderful things in me gets, you get the attitude, neck-rolling, eye-rolling, non-presence acknowledging, non-speaking, "when it comes to you whateva" Kimberly schickt. And believe me, you did not want HER!!<br />
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In becoming my alter-ego when my feelings or ego were hurt, I actually missed out on what could have been wonderful life-long relationships. Reflecting on the relationships I destroyed I remembered a particular guy who unfortunately received the wrath of K.I.M. Despite, my childish, immature antics though, when I needed him, he was there. At anytime he could have told me no, not supported me or helped me out, goodness knows he had the right to, but he didn't. While I didn't go out of my way to be cruel or mean to him, I wasn't particularly nice either. And he didn't deserve that. Now don't get me wrong, he was no glutton for punishment; he threw in a few jabs, threats(yes, threats-all talk) and expressed the opposite of "un-dying" love for me to a few close friends of mine. Still, I can't remember a time when he ever told me no or turned me down when I asked for anything. Like ever. He avoided giving me answers, but never answered in the negative. Despite our faults(we were still growing and maturing), he was a pretty cool dude considering. It hurts me to realize I may have missed out on getting to know a person who obviously had so many sides to him. For the first time, I looked back on that entire relationship in such a different, elevated way. If I ever see him again in life, he's owed more than a few thank yous.<br />
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While I can't go back in time and fix my past aggressions and apologize for the person I was back then(I was still learning and growing - we all were), I can certainly move forward in love and maturity and recognize when K.I.M. is about to go in effect mode. I step back and realize that if I feel like this human being is wonderful enough to consider a romantic relationship,a partnership and friendship with, then this person is more than worthy of being loved as a friend, as family and given the consideration of unconditional love. I ask myself:Does this person bring out wonderful feelings in you? Challenge you? Inspire you? If so, why not have this person in your life to enhance and exchange ideas, love and friendship with? <br />
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Instead of looking on back on my past K.I.M. episodes and cringeing, I can proudly say I avoided one this past year. Mr. Perfect showed up to my Bible Study group and let me tell you, I silently mouthed a prayer of thanks to God and moved on in to my husband-to-be. Except one thing: He was gay.Openly. Proud. Yeah. Of course I was crushed and started a mini-campaign to get him removed from my small group. If I couldn't have him, I didn't want to see him,lol! One day though, a few months later I caught him after one of our church's Friday night functions. We talked and laughed and I forgot how much my heart was broken that he wasn't on my team. As looked at this wonderful human being who was beautiful on both the inside and out (how rare is THAT?!?) I realized how much I would miss having one single, solitary moment without him in my life. My heart? Recovered. My feelings? Intact. My love for him? Has grown into something greater than I could ever have imagined. <br />
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So, I'm growing, I'm learning and who knows? I'm a football chick, I believe in return passes and re-plays. Maybe one day, someone will be kind enough to let me get a do-over. I'll pray on it:-)MynJuanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16341272866725276055noreply@blogger.com0