The 10 Types of Guys You Should NOT be Dating!!!!!

Hellloooooooo!  

These past 2 weeks, as I've checked in on numerous girlfriends, I have listened as each wonderful, beautiful person was agonizing over some guy that they should not have EVEN been dating. Each one would question how much longer they should stay, how much they should tolerate and if the relationship is worth fighting for. While I'm not the expert or poster child for relationships, one thing I've learned (harshly) is that there are types of guys you just don't date anymore. Some you don't even START dating and others you stop as soon as you see the signs that say "STOP! He's a loser!". While everyone else can see those signs clear as day, when the heart is involved, these people tend to become far sighted, very far sighted. Or maybe they see the signs as you and I do and choose to ignore them in effort to not be alone.

One thing I am convinced of is whether or not they know not to date or it's time to close up shop, they will arrive at the same conclusion to do so on their own. But it doesn't mean that they don't need a little push. Here's my push to them -- and you if you see these characteristics in the person you're either dating or trying date. If so.., gurl... YOU SHOULDN'T BE DATING HIM!!


The 10 Types of Guys You Shouldn't be Dating


1. The guy who doesn't call you.
If he's not calling you, he does not want you. I can't tell you how many guys have told me that. Does Facebook, Twitter, text or BBM count? Nope! If he does not call you or ask to speak to you in person, there is no need to wonder, ask or ponder philosophically about how he feels about you because he doesn't.

2. The married guy.
This should be obvious, but for some of you it strangely isn't. The type of guy that cheats on his wife is a) ALREADY cheating on you w/ his wife, b) is cheating on you with someone else already(you'll probably never know either) b) is a cheat, a liar and will never make a great partner to anyone. I know we are all familiar with unfortunate situations where from the outside looking in, that uncles, cousins, friends we know cheated with their now spouses and seem to be living happily ever after. Don't you believe it. Even if the person has managed to remain faithful, there will never be any amount of trust in that relationship, ever.

3. The separated from his wife but still living with her/going to therapy/etc. guy.
I know I'm going to ruffle some feathers here. I know that when people separate, one of the first things they are told to do is see other people. The choice of going on a date with someone who is separated is fine for those who aren't necessarily pursuing a monogamous relationship. However, if you are, dating someone who is separated is dating someone who is unavailable. When the "separated" status becomes "divorced" then you can openly date and pursue a relationship, until then, you're beating a dead horse. Why? Because no matter what problems separated persons are going through,about half of them get back together.

4. The guy who physically/mentally abuses you.
Another obvious one, yet too many women are still getting into and staying in these types of relationship. I don't know which type of abuse is worse, but I do know this: You are beautiful, you are handsome, you are WORTHY and no one has the right to put you down, even in a subtle way or put their hands on you, even once. If you question if you're in an abusive relationship, discuss it with your partner. Then talk the discussion over with a neutral(i.e., not your friends or family) party. Make sure you let your partner know that you will not stand for mental or physical abuse. Don't threaten to leave, there's no need for that. But if you come to the realization you ARE in an abusive relationship, LEAVE. God has a way of making sure those of us who unfortunately have to make the decision to get out of these types of relationships are never alone. I don't know how HE does it so put that "I-Don't-Want-To-Be-Alone" card away because you won't. I promise. Get help if you need it. Leave.

5. The guy who doesn't share the same morals as you do.
Here's the thing: There are some people out there who enjoy things recreational that may be against what you believe in morally. Drugs, sex, the list can go on. The free lifestyle these people seem to enjoy is very attractive. They don't judge you because they themselves don't want to be judged. And it feels nice to not be judged or held to sometimes impossible standards. BUT, if you don't do drugs, then don't date someone that does, if you don't drink heavily, don't date someone who does, if you enjoy spirituality, then dating someone who is agnostic is a bad idea. You don't have to share the same religion, but having one means you'll share more ideals and morals than someone who does not. Free sex does not lead to monogamy, it leads to two people who like free sex. If that's you, fine. But if it isnt' you probably need to find someone else.

6. The guy who doesn't have a job,unless he's in school full-time or is actively pursuing finding one.
Another sticky topic. Listen, it's a bad economy, I get that. Too many of us are now back home full-time or forced to live with and help out family members as we all struggle under this economic downturn. BUT, that does not give you an excuse to date a hot, sexy lazy man or woman. There's a difference between not finding a job and not looking. there's a difference between someone who had a steady job for years and lost it during the economic crisis and someone who couldn't keep a job when things were well and now is suffering because of their bad work record. There's a difference between someone who is on unemployment and has severance package or other financial package to allow him to thrive and someone who is living it up on unemployment with no plans to move forward or save until he gets back on his/her feet. Living at home with mom and dad is no longer a no-no, but WHY they are there is. So make no excuses for anyone, but be aware, if he or she is not making moves, you need to.

7. The guy who borrows money from you.
WTF!!! And that's exactly what you should say when he/she asks:"WTF!!". Know that whether you give the person who asks the money or not, it is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Save yourself the additional heartache that comes with staying in a relationship too long after this happens and quickly become unavailable and stop seeing him/her.

8. The guy that won't marry you/commit to you.
You want to be married, he does not. He's not sure. He wants to but not right now. Let me translate for you because obviously this is a language you don't understand: I do not want to marry you. What does that mean for you? Do I really have to write it?!? Yes, I do because if you're still with him, you don' get it: give him and more importantly yourself, the gift of good-bye. This IS the guy who will be engaged and married this time next year and no, it would NOT have been you if you stayed.

If he doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with you, first he's crazy because you're awesome! Secondly, he doesn't realize what a hawt number he has on his hands. Do you want to date someone that deft? If he's cheating and you're in a relationship or not committing because he doesn't want to "hurt you" leave him alone. By that, I mean, cut him off: no friendship, no calls, no texts, un-friend him on Facebook and completely disappear as far as he's concerned. This is NOT to hurt him or exact some revenge because he doesn't want you. If his wants and desires don't include you, don't care about what they are or what he's doing, LIVE YOUR LIFE. Eradicating him from your life cleans up your space to invite someone into it that wants you.

9. The guy who doesn't WANT you.
O-M-G!! This one gets on my last freaking nerves!!! I am so freaking tired of having to point out to a friends when the object of their desire doesn't want them. LADIES, STOP CHASING GUYS!! If he 's not calling you, asking you out, taking you out (and paying), introducing you to his friends and family, committed to you, wants to marry and actively pursuing it, having sex with you or at least desiring he wants to when you're married, putting you first and treating you like a million dollar glass vase and the utmost respect: HE - DOES - NOT - WANT - YOU!!

10. The guy who has(__insert # over 3 here) of children but did not marry or have a significant relationship with any of the mothers of his children.
I kinda talked about this in my prior blog, "When It Comes To Dating Dads". The only difference there is between dating someone who has kids and someone who does not, is that you already will know if he is mature, responsible, monogamous, parenting skills and  how to put family (including you) first. If he's none of the above, ditch him!



There are plenty more that should be on this list, including the guys Saquan Jones who did this blog radio show ( http://www.blogtalkradio.com/saquanjones/2011/09/29/face-first-at-says-place) describes and any guy who agrees with his advice. Like the movie the 'The Help', I was appalled, but thankful for the insight. I'm gonna keep listening, so should you!

What type of guy(s) have you learned to not date?

Healthy Sauteed Collard Greens

Remember those mushy, oily, ham hock, turkey leg collard greens your grandmother used to make that took all day, was so unhealthy, but SO good? Well, this version is HEALTHY and DELICIOUS, I usually post advice only, but this recipe is that GOOD I had to tell you all about it.

BTW, my next post will be answering some questions from readers and other folks.

Sauteed Collard Greens

2 quarts of water
1 chicken bouillon cube
2 1/2 lbs(about 2 bunches) collard greens, de-stemmed, cleaned, then rolled and cut into 1 - inch strips
1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar
3 cloves  garlic, minced
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1/2 a lemon

1. Boil 2 quarts of water in a large pot. Add the chicken bouillon. Stir until dissolved. Bring to a rolling boil then add the collard greens. Stir.
2. Add the apple cider vinegar and cover for 15- 20 minutes. Be careful not to over cook the greens or they will turn black and be too soft to saute.
3. Drain the greens and set aside.
4. Add the olive oil, garlic, salt and red pepper flakes to a large frying pan, sauteing the garlic for 3-5 minutes. Then add the collard greens. Saute for 5-10 minutes. The wetness of the greens should completely evaporate.
5. Once the water has evaporated, squeeze fresh lemon juice over the collard greens. Serve.

I'm no cooking expert, so you can tweak this anyway you like. If you've had this before or plan to try it, I'd love to hear about it and other "healthy" soul food substitutions that can be made.

For other delicious recipes, head over to Eat, Seek and Be Merry .

Bon Ape tit!

Who gets the pew in church after a break-up?!?

I'll never forget an excited phone call I received from a good friend several years ago. She had given her life over to Christ and convinced her boyfriend at the time to do the same. Several months later, they were engaged. She was excited and so was her new church family. They became the "it" couple. They joined the same ministries, attended the same church functions together and even sat in the same pew together Sunday after Sunday.

However, before the relationship evolved into marriage, the two split up and it was not amicable. Now, my friend, who had now built her life, both social and spiritual in their church, was devastated, almost embarrassed. Her life had become the church and so had her former fiance's. Determined to not let the incident deter her from her Christian life, she continued to attend the church. And so did he. Which ultimately became a HUGE problem. Not just for the former couple, but for the friends, associates and family members as well. Were her friends STILL his friends and was the opposite true? Were they still serving jointly in their respective ministries and more importantly, who gets the pew?!?



When deciding who gets what and goes where in a break-up that involves where you worship there are 3 things I advise prior:

1) Have a church/synagogue/temple/mosque home no matter where you live that you can call your own.

2) I advise you not to date within your religious place of worship. This is my opinion. I know everyone knows of couples who met and married in church, but based upon my experience and the many experiences of others, I am convinced these person are exceptions rather than the rule. There far too many churches and singles ministries for you to have to date within your own.

3) Keep your dating life and spiritual life separate in terms of where and who you worship with. I personally consider bringing someone to my church like bringing someone to meet my family or my parents. I'm not saying I wouldn't worship with the person I'm dating I would, will and do. I'm saying I wouldn't bring them "home" to my church until I felt we were solid and felt confident they would continue to be around.

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Now let's say you do meet someone in church, meet someone and start attending church together or bring someone into your home church and unfortunately, it doesn't work out. Asking about "Who gets the pew?" may seem like a silly, comical question unless you have or are currently going through it. Regardless, it is a very valid conversation that needs to take place, especially if you are a spiritual person. Here are the 3 most important questions that will decide who gets what and where when it comes to the place of worship:


1) Is the place of worship the church of home or either or both of the partners?

 If you both got "saved" or re-introduced to your faith and became members of the same place of worship, although it's difficult, both of you have every right to stay there. However, be sensitive to each other following the break-up and make sure to give each other the space one would need to heal and move forward in the future.

If one part of the couple is simply attending the other's home church and has not become a member, it may not be comfortable to continue attending the church immediately following the break-up. I'm not saying your banned. If you enjoyed the services, I definitely encourage you to continue attending, but give your ex some time to get over the loss of your relationship and consider his/her feelings in the matter.

2)Is your social/spiritual/business networks tied to the place of worship?

Church, especially in the minority community, is the epicenter of our social life. If you grew up in the South like me, you know that it is especially true. Not going to church cut yo off socially and somewhat economically. Church goers support church goers businesses. The congregation is also a rich resource of social and business networking and therefore cutting through every fabric of our lives. Once established at a particular church, curtailing membership can be much like cutting off an arm. And let's be real: socially, church circles are hard to penetrate and be a part of. Once you're blessed to be let into the church "inner circles" it is a prized possession that one must not take lightly.

If it is so in your case with the church you attended with your ex, you must tread lightly and carefully as to not disturb your relationships there. Believe me, many churches have sen "super couples" and not so super couples come and go, so you will find understanding and empathy to move forward and continue to worship.

3)Both of you are card-carrying members of the church and continue to attend and be involved in church. Who gets the pew?

Whew! The tough question to answer! But here go: Life takes us on all kinds of twists and turns and believe me, 0% of us are EXACTLY where and with (or without) whom we'd thought we'd be. Here's the deal with changes: you've gotta roll with them or they will roll right over you. Same with the pew. What it meant to sit in a particular place with your significant other versus what it would mean to sit in that one particular spot now are 2 different things. The pew becomes....just a pew. You can receive the Lord anywhere in the sanctuary and that is why you're there,right? So no one gets the pew! It belongs to everyone who worships there anyway.

Now, let me be clear, DO NOT start showing out in the sanctuary by staking your "claim" to a certain pew, service or annual church event. It always starts of innocently enough, you show up with your support group and your significant shows up with theirs and then there's the square-off. As difficult as it may be to do so, go out of your way to be gracious and then make whatever new pew, service or annual event you go to the hot place to be.



Now that your single, make sure you check out secular and non-secular singles events when you're ready, but don't let a broken heart or relationship keep you from worship wherever and however you choose to do it. Remember, faith led you thus far. And I'm OUT....but.....



Have you ever considered leaving your place of worship after a break-up? How did you handle it?

Ten Signs it's Time for a Man or a Woman to Settle Down

    I work with plenty of married and betrothed(engaged) men. Out of curiousity one day, I asked them what made them propose to their partners. As a woman I wanted to hear "A symphony plays every time she stepped into the room" or "Her beauty is incomprehensible". While they may feel this way (though never admit it), one thing was true and common among all of them: they settled down because it was time to not be a single playa anymore.

    It's true: there is a time, and it's different for everyone, where being single just isn't the move. For some it's in their twenties, for others it's their thirties or forties, however the signs are the same. And it's not just males who need to see signs that it is time to settle down, there are women also need these signs to do the same. Not all women are relationship driven or marriage minded. For men, there may be nothing better than another woman, but for some women, there's nothing better than a new admirer.

    But regardless of your mindset or issues, there are signs that's it's time to hang up the saddle and settle down. Here are the 10 for Men and the 10 for Women.


MEN:

1) You have 2 or more children with 2 or more women, none of which you have full custody or mothers you are still in a relationship with.


2)The single women you tend to approach call the music you listened to as a young adult "Old School".

3)All your contemporaries conversations and topics of interest have changed except yours: they talk about their significant others and children, you talk about finding a new chick before you let the chick you're still with go.

4)Although you're an eligible bachelor, none of your friends or acquaintances want to hook you up with people they know and when you ask, they roll their eyes or openly introduce you with a verbal warning of how you're no good and they're "not responsible" for what happens between you.

5) All the women that know you or of you do not take dating you seriously.

6) The last time you introduced someone as your girlfriend or significant other was high school.

7)The meaning of "working things out" to you is getting your sex buddy back after a hiatus.

8)You approach a woman you've already dated but don't realize it until she points it out.

9) YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT SETTLING DOWN.

10) There are business establishments (restaurants, bars, clothing stores) you can no longer patronize because you've dated or slept with one or more persons on their staff.



WOMEN:

1) You have 2 or more children with 2 or more men, none of which you are still in a relationship with.

2)The men you date idea of good time is completely physical. Yours isn't.
3)The word "responsible" isn't a word people who know you would use to describe you.
4)You unknowingly passed a guy you were dating in the street and didn't recognize him because you've never seen him in daylight.

5)When an eligible bachelor comes up in conversation, your friends and acquaintances think of several options to hook them up with....but you're not one of them.

6)When your girlfriends are "Boo'ed Up", only one man's name is mentioned. When you're "Boo'ed Up", it's anybody's guess who you're actually with.

7)You see someone you actually babysat in the same club you're in.

8)You now only date men from out of state because you've dated/slept with everyone in yours.

9) The wedding invitations you receive stop giving you the option of Plus 1 Guest.

10) The thought of settling down has actually crossed your mind.



Do you think any of these signs hold true? What other signs are there for women and men who need to get out of the game and settle down?

The Black Dating Problem

  This past Monday, I had the pleasure of attending fellow blogger El's, author of andshewonderswhy.com relationship blog,"The Ideal Black Man?" A Panel discussion about where and how to meet the ideal Black man.

  Since moving to New York 2 years ago, I have been to several Dating/Singles event which opened up the dialogue of why people, Black people in particular aren't dating each other. In a city where there are the highest number of young, working, educated and single Black men and women, the two sexes simply aren't hooking up. What's the problem?
  Someone want to de-cry a decades old predicted statistics that is far from accurate that states that there simply aren't enough Black men for Black women. This is a falsehood based and can be dissproven by the last U.S. Census, and yes it does not count for those in jail. In fact, if Black women were to become open to dating other minority races, in particular Hispanic men, there would be 2.5 men for every Black women in the U.S.

  Now, it may seem like that's not the case because men and women tend to concentrate themselves in different areas of the United States. So where you are, yes, there may be more men than women, but overall this is not the case. I know this fact firsthand in North Carolina alone. Where I lived in southern part of N.C., there definitely seemed to be more women than men, especially educated hard-working ones. Yet, traveling in the northern part the state, towards Virginia, I found myself equal if not outnumbered by my male counterparts. It certainly makes a female feel GOOD. But I digress, the point I'm trying to make is, why compete with every women in NYC for the limited number of Black men here, when there is someone waiting for you in another part of the United States? Men do move for love. And unless you're in a carrer that is centered around the metropolitan city you live in, why restrict yourself to living there your entire life? If you truly want to be marrried and have children, you must undertsand that love cannot be on your terms alone. And in order to have a choice, we Black women do have to stretch our priorties a bit.

  The panel discussion was no different than any othe event with the a different name or gal had been in the past, the only thing that didn't change was the outcome. An unequl represenatation of the sexes and arguing and debate about who's to blame for the problem versus how we can actively solve it.

  Let's be clear: the issue is of great importance to not only our culture, but our society a a whole. Black, White, Hispanic and Asian (I could keep going) are NOT dating in a traditional sense and they are NOT getting married. Not only is this an economic issue (it costs single people and the government tons of money when people remain single), it is a devastating blow to our family structure and therefore, our way of life. Just as having absentee fathers in the home created a generation of fatherless children, a generation of children are growing up without proper family structures in favor of a more sefish way of life. Yes, both parents are involved (that is, with those that decide to have childeren) but they are growing up being taught through action that "me" is more important than "we". Being or deserving the best has somehow become quantitative rather qualitative and that's the HUGE issue. In dating terms that means, we all believe that we should dating the quarterback of the football team or the homecoming queen rather than finding someone that works best for us and being happy. We all feel that we could and should do better. We now feel that "happiness" is dependant upon "Who" we date, not "What" we are dating for, which is compatibility.

  Now, before we can EVEN get to marriage, we have to get to meeting people first. How do we do that? Where do Black men go and hang out? Where do Black women go and hang out? How can we get these two sectors to meet? I do not have all the answers, in fact, I'd like the answers to those questions myself, lol.

But I can offer some assistance of what I do know:



A)You can meet a man in a sportsbar. Now if you're totally not into sports, do not do this. Don't try to learn stats and sound impressive about games you could care less about. Guys do not like that. It's a known fact that women aren't into sports as much as men (I'm not one of them but they do exist). But men do appreciate effort and getting into the sports spirit if you can. I've met men at sports bars and had several dates offered, you can too.



B)You can meet a man/woman at Professional Mixer. Not a singles mixer, not an after-work mixer per se, but a straight up professional mixer. There are plenty of them in the city. Check under every association there are. Greek, Medical Business, Accountants/CPA, you name it they have it and anyone can go. This is also a place where I have met Black men. If you know someone who is a professional in that area, bonus points!! That person can introduce you to their colleguages. That's your "in".

C)You can meet men at small book signing or listening events. Make sure it's not a HUGE event, but something meant for a particular genre or fan base and voila! If you smile and dance or start a small converstaion w/ someone there, you're guarunted to have a # before the night is over.

D)You can meet them online. Nowadays, people in their early twenties are of the generation who do date online. That's where my little cousins have met their boyfriends and there's no stigma to it for them. Our generation needs to get to that point. There are plenty of men and women online. Plenty. And if you don't believe love can be found online or like me, you feel like some of those eHarmony commercials are fixed, check out online love stories on any reputable dating site or Google online love stories. This stuff is real!

Now my suggestions are from a female perspective, but I do believe both men and women can benefit from it.Now on to the dating:

1) Give every girl/guy a chance. You may not like them at first or even afterwards only see friendship, but he or she may have friends and invitations to meet the person you could.

2)Network, by letting married, engaged or long-term couples you know and trust know that you are single and looking. Now, that shouldn't be the only thing you talk about every time people see you, but mention it at least once. People who aren't single love to hook single people up for various reasons.

3)Join a dating website. If you think that only ugly desperate people are online, you're wrong. One of the most physically attractive women I know met her her husband to be online. It wasn't that she didn't get attention everyday, all the time, where ever we went (do I sound bitter,lol?) from men, she simply wasn't meeting the type of guy she liked and dating jerks was becoming a waste of her time. She joined one of the premier dating websites, typed in what she wanted and what she was looking for and BAM! In 6 mos, she was engaged. If you don't want to have your picture out there, there are dating websites that allow you to withold your picture and pertinent information until you're secure to your suitors, so no excuses guys/gals! Just remember: approach and be approached.

4)Be OPEN. If you're not really ready to date due to a break-up or other intimacy issues, work on those but, and this is my advice only, do not take a break from dating. It is the worst thing you can do. Self-esteem and a plethora of other issues can develop which will hinder you from finding that special someone for you in the future. So even if it's a platonic date with a friend of the opposite sex, get out and date at least every other week. Give yourself a reason to get that haircut, new hairstyle or buy a new outfit. It doesn't matter if it's just for drinks or to check out a new play or movie. Go. Now if you're getting over a break-up, yes, stay home and grieve. But if it takes more than 90 days, it's time to get therapy and that's okay. Get it and get out there. You'll never get over it if you don't allow new things and people to come into your life. Real talk.

5) Stop waiting for that Diamond-In-The-Rough, the Captain of the football team or the Homecoming Queen to come along and deem you a worthy, hot, interesting and enviable person. Stop! You are all those things right now and it doesn't matter who's by your side to accomplish that, you must believe it and show people that yourself. Stop waiting for the girl whose nails, toes, hair and wardrobe meet your high standards, stop! Stop waiting for the guy whose body is in perfect condition, who smells good, dresses immaculate, tall and perfect hair cut, stop! These are all materialistic things that don't matter or can be changed. I'm not saying physical attractiveness doesn't count, it does! But too many people use their outsid appearance to cover up the horrible personalities they have. If they are clean and neat...and I'll say it again, if they are CLEAN and NEAT, respectful and most important intersted in YOU, then they are good enough for you. And you my dear, are NOT too good for anybody. Dating is not permanent nor is it marriage, so stop looking at it that way. View dating for what it is: a practice of courtship. The girl or guy you're not interested in can probably teach you more about how to be a proper date than the guy you really like. And guess what? When the one you want comes along, you'll know exactly how to treat him so that you go from dating to courtship to marriage.

Hopefully the next event with El will be as informative as my blog and people will be able to put these skills to use immediately and come back with wonderful results!

Do you plan to use any of the above advice? Have you already used the advice above? How did it work out?

When it's Time for the New Significant Other to Meet Your Friends

Some time ago, I began seeing a young man. We had gone out several times and even spent weekends together, but I hesitated to bring him around my friends. One day, he asked if we could have a date. He had a wedding to attend and I had a dinner to attend. Since his event ended earlier he suggested he meet up with me at the dinner. Whoa! Though we'd known each other for a month or so, I had no idea where the relationship was going. We were not exclusive and had yet to begin talking about being exclusive on any level. I didn't want to bring a guy who I was casually seeing around my close friends.


Being a private person, it is understood that if I bring you around the crew, that you're not just some person I'm hanging around, but someone who is to hopefully become  permanent in my life. It's my way of saying to my people, "This person is special to me and I trust him enough to bring him around you so treat him like family.". It also means that I trust that you will pass the "interview". Friends, ones who deeply care about you, will make sure that anyone you're putting your heart and feelings in, have your best interests at heart. They wanna know the person you decided to let become a part of your life is truly compatible with you and your life. The interview isn't even really intentional, it's simply a feeling out session where your intended and friends vibe or not. In conclusion, there was no need to bring him around and put him through the whole process if his intentions were unclear and perhaps even unknown at that point.

Recently I pondered, when DO you bring the new "friend", "boyfriend" or "significant other" around? I came up with a few signs that let you know it's time!

1)You will feel it's the right time, i.e., instinct.
You know you've found someone special when there aren't any questions left to be answered. I'm not saying that every guy or girl you bring around you're friends has to be "The One", but you should at least feel secure enough in the relationship that your gut instinct isn't telling you to STOP!or be cautious.

2)He/She asks to meet your friends.
When a guy or a girl asks to meet your friends, it's a huge sign that they desire to know you on the same level and become as close to you as your friends are. They are letting you know that they do indeed plan to stay around for awhile. It's also their way of seeing how you feel about them. If you decline to bring your friends around or if your friends don't know about them, then they can deduce that perhaps you're not serious about them or the relationship as they may be.

3)You have become an exclusive item.
So you both decided that you would no longer see other people. Congrats! It's new and fragile and there's nothing wrong with keeping your relationship private and special, but if he or she is ready to kick it with just you, just know he or she is ready to kick it with who you kick it with as well. Your the present, but your friends and family are part of the total package.

4)He or she has shown themselves to be reliable and respectful.
The road to a secure relationship can be a bumpy one and blending two lives into one can be tricky. As you get to know one another, you learn each others' "Dos'" and "Don'ts", failings and good points. Regardless, when someone sees something special in you, they want you to know that you can rely on him/her and their word. They also treat you and anyone you associate with the same respect as they treat you. So if the person you're seeing isn't exactly being respectful or reliable, you should cut them off but if you don't, you might want to see where this relationship goes before you bring them around the permanent people in your life.

5)Your friends know about him or her because you speak of them in a positive manner.
I don't know why, but some people always bring a guy or girl around their friends who they are constantly complaining about. Remember, your real friends are gonna have your back no matter what and if the person you're seeing isn't treating you right, they are gonna have problem with them. So don't expect your friends to all of a sudden have their emotions turned off just because the person you're dating decided to act right for one week straight and you decided to have him/her come along and hang out. If you want to continue to see them then fine, you're grown, do you. But don't expect your friends to like him when you like him and dislike him when you don't. It just doesn't work that way. If you hardly have anything positive to say about him or her, it's probably best that you don't introduce him or her to your friends. At least until your relationship stabilizes and you have nothing but positive things to say.

If you're the friend(s) meeting the significant other for the first time, here are things you may need to do as well:

1) Be on your best behavior.
Yes, when the boys/girls get-together it can be a wild,hilarious and crazy time. But who we are with our closest friends when no one is around can be a bit much for someone new. Remember you are a reflection of your friend and do not want to put him or her in a negative light. Be courteous and respectful while making sure you keep the new person at ease.

2) Do not put the new person on trial.
Make polite conversation and ask casual questions you would of anyone you'd meet at any other time, i.e., a dinner party, after-work function, but don't ask personal questions or questions about the depth of your friends' relationship. This is not the Spanish Inquisition.

3)Do not flirt or get too close.
Chances are that you and your friends may have similar tastes in men/women. And even if you don't, your friend may have just made a perfect catch with someone you may not have considered. You vibe,they vibe and are really cool. While that's a wonderful thing, do not let your mind or actions start to wonder. Be clear: Your friend has brought this person around to let you know how much they feel for this person and also to stake their claim on them. As the great reggae singer Patra once said, "My property is my property!". Do not cross the line.

4) Keep your opinions of the person to yourself.
Keep in mind that you are not dating the person, your friend is. Unless asked, keep whatever opinions you have about the person to yourself. You may have differing opinions or points of views on sensitive subjects, but be clear as a friend, you sometimes have to grin and bear it. If the new significant other crosses the line and becomes disrespectful, it is up to your friend to correct it. If he or she does not, let your friend know in private.

5) Be happy for your boy or girl!
Love is a wonderful and rare thing. When two people put aside their past hurts, experiences, disappointments and take a chance on bringing another person into their lives, it is a beautiful thing to witness. Goodness knows all we go through to get there so celebrate it and respect it. Give the new couple the time and space they need and simply wish them the best.
 

Do you agree with these signs? Have you ever misjudged bringing someone new around your friends too soon? Please share!

Chivalry is not DEAD? Not Yet!



I recently took a trip Down South to Atlanta, GA to see one of my dear friend's nuptials. From the time I stepped on the plane at LaGuardia airport to the time I stepped foot back on the plane to NYC, I never lifted a solitary finger for assistance. Every door - opened. Every bag - carried. If I looked lost, it was only seconds before a man asked if I needed assistance. I even went to a place in the food court and the man in front of me asked if I would like bottled water on him. When I lived down South so many years ago, I expected everything that I just described. It was commonplace. It happened to every young woman, regardless of attractiveness or stature, everywhere, everyday. However being away from the South for so long, I felt like a superstar even though these men were only doing what they had been raised and taught to do: be a gentleman, be chivalrous. Not because women are helpless but because we are all ladies.



It's been almost 2 years since I'd been down home and during that time I lived in gritty NY. Although I grew up in nearby CT, NY is the almost the exact ooposite of any place I have ever lived when it comes to men being gentleman. It took me over 6 months to not admonish every boy or man I saw who didn't let a woman pass by, give woman a seat, open a door or hold out an umbrella on the street. Where were they raised? How were they raised?Who were they raised by, wolves? I'd ask myself that everyday. After a year, my seething anger subsided after seeing able-bodied young men sit on the train while elderly woman stood close by, hanging on to the closest railing for dear life. It was either have high-blood pressure or ignore it.



So where does chivalry exist? Definitely in the South, I'd say Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, parts of Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. It starts to wind down in North Carolina and Virginia where manners tend to be selective and random. Right around D.C. Maryland and P.A. it becomes scant and by the time you reach New York, you're lucky if you're not shoved by a man that's twice your size over a seat on the bus. No matter where you live,however, they do exist. But don't be fooled, there are wolves in sheeps' clothing. Below is just a few ways to find out if a man is a TRUE chivalrous gentleman or a fraud.

1)He opens and holds the door for ALL ladies.
True chivalry is not selective. It does not survey the scene for hot women or cougars nor does it look around to see if someone they may know is watching. It truly comes from within. You do it because it is simply polite and the right thing to do. I'm not suggesting any man become a doorman,not at all. Chivalry is and always has been reasonable.

2)He only enters or exits an elevator after all women and holds the elevator doors both ways.
When a gentleman is waiting with the opposite sex for an elevator, it is without question that all the women go first unless one of the women request that you enter before hand instead. Once inside, despite the floor, one of the men inside the elevator holds the elevator doors until the women exit first.

3)He carries or assists women and the elderly with luggage, bags or baby carriages without being asked or provoked by pity to do so.
As a gentleman, you don't wait for someone to ask for your assistance or struggle to the point where you have to assist otherwise you won't be able to go where you are going. Nor do you wait,hoping someone else will step up to the plate. What if it were your wife, girlfriend, aunt or grandmother who simply needed a kind hand to get into a cab,walk up the stairs or have her groceries carried for her?You would do it, right?Then be that person, don't wait and then reluctantly helpas if you were the last one out of a game of dodgeball.

4)He picks a young lady up on a date whether they walk, drive or hail a cab. He walks her from and to the door at the beginning and conclusion of the date.
I'll never forget my first date in NYC. We picked a rainy Saturday for dinner and the movies. Once he arrived, he called me on the phone, " I'm here!" he announced. I opened my door and saw no one was there.

"Are you sure?", I asked, "I just opened the door and no one was there."

"Oh, I'm in the car. It's raining.". OOOHHH.He didn't want to get wet, but if I did so, that was alright! I replied

"Didn't you bring an umbrella so that you can walk me from the door?" I asked.

"Naw, I don't think I did, at least I can't find it." It didn't stop there. Irritated but already dressed and ready to go, I walked out my front door to the car and stood there.I just knew this ninja would AT LEAST open up the car door for me. Negative. When he didn't pop out, I knocked on the car window to give him a hint. He rolled down the window slightly and said, "The door is open". Needless to say there was no second date.

5)His chivalry does not depend on gratitude for his behavior, he does it because it's the right thing to do.
Nothing gets under my skin more than guys who complain every time a female does not show undying gratitude every time he opens the door or does something chivalrous or polite. Number one: being a gentleman is not something you do for recognition and acknowledgement. People do wonderful things every day and never get thanked for them and they are okay with that. Why? Because doing good is something you do out of the goodness of your heart and because it is right,not for reward. Am I saying that women are not supposed to thank guys for opening the door or assisting them? No way. Women are just as obligated to be ladies and say thank you, but don't expect it and certainly don't be angry about if they don't. That's a HUGE tell tale sign that a true gentleman you are not. (Now, there are some deep,South men- think Gone With The Wind- who will quickly let you know that they are not to be lauded for what they are supposed to do. So if you're in the deep South, gauge the young men you encounter,it may offend them to say thank you)

6)A chivalrous man does sit while there are woman standing, anywhere, at any time, for any reason.
A couple of years ago, while commuting to NYC from CT, I boarded a train car that had very few empty seats. I was the only female that entered the car with 5 other men. I decided to stand and grabbed the nearest pole, not realizing that I was the only female not sitting in the car. Seconds after grabbing the pole, one of the men came up to me and pointed out an open seat. " No thank you" I replied. " No, please sit.", another man asked. " It's okay', I said. Moments after the words left my mouth I realized that not one of those men would take any of those empty seats until I had sat down and the men who were sitting were getting upset b/c I was making them uncomfortable just because they were. Finally realizing that I was amongst gentlemen, I knew it was my duty to be a lady and take a seat so they could do their duty as males. I quickly took the nearest seat, and quickly heard slight sounds of relief as the a few of the men were then able to sit down after me.


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A lot of men want to know why they should be chivalrous in this day and age when women claim they want to be treated as equals and even refuse the few common courtesies men extend to them?  Well, why should men be chivalrous in the age feminism? I pondered this while I was in Georgia last week and tweeted my one thought on the matter: Radical feminism is the issue, not feminism itself. Chivalry is not dead, it was just knocked out by radical feminism and only needs a few good men to resuscitate it. Let's make it simple: Chivalry is simply being polite and mannerable. Chivalry does not and never has equaled male supremacy. What I mean by that is, we as women should be given every equal opportunity at work, home and government. However, we are STILL women, still have our roles to be women and should be treated as such. Equal pay and the right to vote does denote that I don't want to be treated as a lady.

Secondly, the number one and most important reason men should practice chivalry is because it FORCES women to act like ladies. I'm gonna get killed for this but here go: Men, you truly can have ANY woman you desire cook, clean, iron your shirts and not talk crap about it just by courting. It is the God fearing truth. Some women don't want you to KNOW that, others do but will make you figure it out,but there you go. No longer will you have to ask or hope she does the things you were taught women should do, you can actually make her by being a true chivalrous gentleman (taking out the garbage, bringing flowers randomly, asking her out on a date even though you're already exclusive, keeping her vehicle as well-kept as yours,etc) she will be wrapped so tight around your finger, she will not be able to see straight. I hope I don't lose my Women Power card for that........

Lastly, anthropologically speaking, there are gender roles that exist and are needed in every relationship in order for there to be balance and success within it. It doesn't denote being powerless or slave labor to our husbands or partners, it simply means we have choice. But choosing to be treated less than what we deserve was never on any agenda when we fought for our rights in the 60s and 70s. Those thoughts came from the fear that culminated over men who abused their positions. Good men don't do that. So yes, you should expect the door to be open, an umbrella to be held for you while still taking that seat as a judge on the Supreme Court. This is the power and privilege in being a woman and you should never allow anyone to take that special part of your feminism away from you or make you think you should not expect or deserve it.

My list of chivalrous actions is far from all inclusive,what other actions make a true chivalrous,gentleman?
Do you agree that men should still practice chivalry in this day and age?