Tuesday, December 16, 2014

End of the Year, Start of Something New.........

So......I've been away for a LONG TIME. I have no real excuse but I do have some legitimate reasons. Here they are:

As you probably gleaned from my last few blogs, I entered into a relationship with a handsome young man back in January of 2011. We moved in together shortly thereafter and I received a highly anticipated promotion at work, (Yea me!). During the last 3 years life happened as well, both good and bad things and life-changing decisions. First, I decided to move to another borough with my boyfriend. Shortly after my move, my boss and mentor passed away suddenly. This hit me quite hard. Super-storm Sandy made life hell for almost a year for so many reasons after it hit. My relationship hit unexpected bumps and turns as well. I made new friends and longtime enemies out of the same two people (there will be a blog about that later). Good things happened as well: I finished my degree, repaired my relationships with my family and moved back to the borough I love (oh , Brooklyn, how I love thee!).
I made the decision to work in the field of law, which is something I always wanted to do but was quite afraid of. My fear turned to anger when every legal position I applied for within my old company was given to law grads (how dare!). I decided to earn a paralegal certificate and apply for jobs outside my company. After my boss died, I was miserable at work and hated it. At first I only applied to legal assistant jobs, since I had an executive assistant background but as I was editing my resume based on paralegal postings on various websites, I read an ad that literally plucked my heartstrings. Without reservation, okay with a few reservations, I sent a heartfelt email and my half-assed paralegal resume to the poster. Why the reservations? For one, the posting was on Craigslist. I half-expected the interviewer to ask if I minded working in only my underwear and honey. Okay, I fully expected that. But it turns out the posting was legit and the poster, who would become my boss, seemed normal and nice. I didn't expect to get an interview or the job but I got both. I was so excited to be working as a legal assistant/paralegal I worked both my jobs until I officially gave my notice (which is crazy, I'll never do that again).
Again, my happiness was short-lived when my Dad called me at work to tell me had cancer. Six short weeks later he passed. I drove to Texas to see him laid to rest. His funeral was awesome. My dad is an Air Force veteran. All the living vets came to his funeral and he was buried in the veteran's memorial in Abilene. He was paraded through town, given a full hero's home going. It was spectacular to see. The next day, fighter pilots flew over the town. If you've never seen an air show, you must! I'm a jaded person who is not easily impressed and I was completely blown away, It helped my sadness to see all the love and respect my father earned in his lifetime, I'll miss him terribly.
The death of the three (my uncle passed also) most important men in my life made me realize that I was not living life. Life was happening to me. No matter what anyone thought or said, these men moved forward everyday. Good or bad, they lived life their way. And they were happy. They tolerated little to no bullshit and didn't gave a crap about what others thought. They fought for what they believed in and they were always laughing and cracking jokes. And they were kind. I remember their humor most of all. This light they all had, attracted so many people to them. Through this, I realized that I was unhappy. I let things happen, I didn't chase my happiness and carried so much shame and anger around with me. When you do that, that's exactly what you will attract.
Famous 'Concious Uncoupler' Gwyneth P.

As hard as it was to accept it, I knew that this was especially true in my relationship. The relationship was over long ago but I kept hanging on and complaining the whole way, as if I couldn't do anything about it. Again, I was letting life happen to me instead of living the life I wanted. Stuck in a lease, I didn't know how to go about it. There was no way out of the lease for either of us, so we decided to stick it out. I was scared that things might get contentious. So I decided to do some research. Remember Gwyneth Paltrow's 'conscious uncoupling'? Now hear me out: turns out the moniker for peacefully parting ways in a slow, structured way is actually a legitimate behavioral model that many psychologists and therapists encourage.
Look, I'm no red string-wearing, truck driver-hat wearing celebrity enthusiast, but I dig this! And I can tell you from experience (and the fact we had little choice) it works. Whenever things get testy, we stop and talk about our issues and where they might be coming from. Sometimes, it's as simple as one or both of us are ready to move on, other times, we're legitimately annoyed with one another and constructively talk about those things, always 'consciously' trying to learn more about ourselves through the process. I've learned more about myself in the last few months than I have with people I've known all my life. It's prickly but needed and I've grown.
Four years ago around this same time, I was estranged from my family, alone and broke. I thought life was not worth living. I remember praying with tears in my eyes. I said, "God I need you but I need to SEE you. I need proof that you exist and that you love me and that I'm supposed to be here." Then I actually met God. He's a Black man by the way. I'll write a full blog about meeting Him and two angels next week.
Look how far I've come! By the end of this week, I'd have attended three holiday parties, received two wonderful New Year's Eve invites and I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with my own family and possibly cooking the meal! I have so much to be thankful for already. I'm blessed!
I'll have New Year's goals but I've learned resolutions only take you so far, working on your energy is much better and attainable goal that will attract all the things God has for you and your hearts' desires. So here's to better energy, connecting and re-connecting and fighting for love and all better things in life. C'mon 2015, it's my time.

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