One day, not too long ago, I had a "day of reflection", we all need one every once in a while. On my day, I reflected on the rejection of love, or the perception of it.
I realized that there have been times in my life where I did not allow myself to be loved, mainly because I was unaware of all the types of "love" that exist. I only knew of 2 kinds: Family(unconditional) love and romantic love. That's it. So, if you weren't family and I wasn't "in love" with you in a romantic way and you with me, then we had absolutely nothing to talk about, no reason to be around each other, excluding my girlfriends of course.
And man, if you were a guy and I was crushing on you, feeling you,"loving" you and wanting you? Then those feelings had better be returned or else hell fire and brimstone. If I liked you and you didn't like me back, I'd go into this "You don't deserve the wonderful, awesome Kimberly that everyone else who loved, adored and sees all these wonderful things in me gets, you get the attitude, neck-rolling, eye-rolling, non-presence acknowledging, non-speaking, "when it comes to you whateva" Kimberly schickt. And believe me, you did not want HER!!
In becoming my alter-ego when my feelings or ego were hurt, I actually missed out on what could have been wonderful life-long relationships. Reflecting on the relationships I destroyed I remembered a particular guy who unfortunately received the wrath of K.I.M. Despite, my childish, immature antics though, when I needed him, he was there. At anytime he could have told me no, not supported me or helped me out, goodness knows he had the right to, but he didn't. While I didn't go out of my way to be cruel or mean to him, I wasn't particularly nice either. And he didn't deserve that. Now don't get me wrong, he was no glutton for punishment; he threw in a few jabs, threats(yes, threats-all talk) and expressed the opposite of "un-dying" love for me to a few close friends of mine. Still, I can't remember a time when he ever told me no or turned me down when I asked for anything. Like ever. He avoided giving me answers, but never answered in the negative. Despite our faults(we were still growing and maturing), he was a pretty cool dude considering. It hurts me to realize I may have missed out on getting to know a person who obviously had so many sides to him. For the first time, I looked back on that entire relationship in such a different, elevated way. If I ever see him again in life, he's owed more than a few thank yous.
While I can't go back in time and fix my past aggressions and apologize for the person I was back then(I was still learning and growing - we all were), I can certainly move forward in love and maturity and recognize when K.I.M. is about to go in effect mode. I step back and realize that if I feel like this human being is wonderful enough to consider a romantic relationship,a partnership and friendship with, then this person is more than worthy of being loved as a friend, as family and given the consideration of unconditional love. I ask myself:Does this person bring out wonderful feelings in you? Challenge you? Inspire you? If so, why not have this person in your life to enhance and exchange ideas, love and friendship with?
Instead of looking on back on my past K.I.M. episodes and cringeing, I can proudly say I avoided one this past year. Mr. Perfect showed up to my Bible Study group and let me tell you, I silently mouthed a prayer of thanks to God and moved on in to my husband-to-be. Except one thing: He was gay.Openly. Proud. Yeah. Of course I was crushed and started a mini-campaign to get him removed from my small group. If I couldn't have him, I didn't want to see him,lol! One day though, a few months later I caught him after one of our church's Friday night functions. We talked and laughed and I forgot how much my heart was broken that he wasn't on my team. As looked at this wonderful human being who was beautiful on both the inside and out (how rare is THAT?!?) I realized how much I would miss having one single, solitary moment without him in my life. My heart? Recovered. My feelings? Intact. My love for him? Has grown into something greater than I could ever have imagined.
So, I'm growing, I'm learning and who knows? I'm a football chick, I believe in return passes and re-plays. Maybe one day, someone will be kind enough to let me get a do-over. I'll pray on it:-)