Monday, November 30, 2009

Elin, Tigers and Rachel, oh my!

On my way home from Thanksgiving, I overhear the big news of the week - Tiger Woods had gotten into a minor car accident Thanksgiving morning.

Doesn't sound like much.

The next day though I hear it was in front of his own home. He hit a small fire hydrant and a telephone pole.

I shrug my shoulders. It happens to small town people everyday. What else happened in the world today? Well, nothing. That is if you look at FaceBook and Twitter statuses.

Tiger was "rescued by his wife who broke the back windows of his SUV and dragged him to safety". Wow, what a hero! The car must have been on fire or something, right? Nope. Well then the airbags deployed? Nope. Okay the car must be totaled, right? Nope, minor damage.

Huh? Now I need more details. Was it a serious accident or not? Who called for help if she was playing Superwoman? Why the back windows and not the passenger windows? I mean, it's not making sense.

Thank God for the Enquirer and TMZ. They come to the rescue with answers like morsels so delicious, the hungry gossip mongers, blogs, sports writers and even (gasp) AP couldn't keep up. Tiger had an affair! Of course! Well, everything can make sense now if we make up everything we don't know and put in its place what we think actually happened that makes for good tabloid material or trash TV.

And since you have heard everyone else's version by now, here's mine, and it actually has a moral to it, read on:

Tiger, in a sleep-like coma from eating turkey and Swedish meatballs over Thanksgiving, is awakened from slumber from wife Elin, " Ya, Ya Teeger, who is dis woman dere"?

Thinking it was one of many nude pictures of Elin before he met her, he responds,"The hot blonde love of my life"!

Elin boils in a rage and before Tiger knows it, he's running through his 50-room Orlando mansion. He runs into his private golf club room, remembering that Elin knows that no one is allowed in there, but Elin doesn't care, she enters anyway and in a move that could only be replicated b Gong Li from Crouching tiger, Hidden Dragon, she leaps for her deadly weapon, a 9-iron, and chases the man through the house. Tiger runs for his life and into his locked master bedroom, where he casually dresses for a run out to the local Taco Bell, which is where he usually goes at 2:30 a.m. when he and his wife have little spats and she needs time to cool down. And Elin usually lets him do just that. But not this time. The story was of his alleged love affair had to be true - it was in the National Enquirer for goodness sake!

She hid behind one of 20 ft gold leaf pillars near the grand doorway, waiting then slam! Tiger got it in the head. "Not my 9-iron!" he yells. He grabs the golf club in a tug of war, which it isn't really since Tiger trains as if he 's about to enter the NFL (he's like, over 6 ft tall and over 225 lbs - he's HUGE) and pushes it carefully to the floor( he won the last Grand Slam with that club). Elin is not deterred. She starts hitting him but it's futile. She hasn't picked up a thing since she met Tiger, then realizing she's wearing $200 diamond encrusted glass nails, she scratches. He winces. "Aha!", thinks Elin, "I now have a weapon!" She claws and claws until Tiger runs for his life out the door. He gets into the SUV for safety from the 105 lb fury of Swedish fire, shaken with fear, knowing any moment she could emerge with her glass claws. But Elin knows better than to damage a good manicure. She takes her time in picking up the golf club and casually walks out the door. "Where does he think he's going?", she laughed,"He hasn't driven a car since 1995!" True enough, Tiger struggles with the gas pedal and the accelerator. "Which is which?!?" he screamed in his mind. Then he sees her. He pushes both pedals and turns the wheel and then.....CRASH!!!

Well, you know the rest. Yeah, my story is stupid and fake BUT I guaruntee you, it's the very best version you're going to get.


Unlike TMZ, ESPN(shame) and every other tabloid outlet would have you believe, Tiger Woods does not owe anyone an explanation for what happened that night. Whatever happened between Tiger Woods and his wife Elin, or even the so-called alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel, is their business. It's called privacy. You know, that thing you and I enjoy behind closed doors every night. everyone has a right to it, even athletes and movie stars. And get this, some famous people ACTUALLY want it. I know, that's crazy, right? But it's true. But don't worry. The next athlete-turned-celebrity or young , fallen starlet with big dreams of being famous(usually for nothing) is only a short scandal away. It just won't be this time.

And it won't be with Tiger. He plays golf.