Real Love: How to Know it's "It" When You're Not Feeling "It".


Before I met my boyfriend, when I first started dating, my friends and acquaintances would ask me what I'm looking for and wanted in man. I listed the usual: handsome, educated, Black, sexy. And we had to have "it", that was the # 1 thing on my list. The thing was, I felt "it" with the same guys that 30 other women felt "it" with or didn't feel "it" at all with a really great guy I couldn't see myself with for one reason or another. The guys I felt "it" for brought the drama and unneeded competition for affection, but never ended in a monogomous, trusting relatinship where I felt secure. Something was wrong. As I was now in my 30s, I realized that I could not make the same choices as when I was 20-something years old. I had to now make choices in my romantic life in much the same way I had to concentrate on having a career if I wanted to be married or in a partnership with a compatible partner.



Last year, I read a book, "Marry Him! The case for marrying Mr. Good Enough". I'm sure you've at least hard of it. I cannot tell you the endless debates I had surrounding the theme of this book. After reading it, I came away with an important intergral message: Love, and what that means, is interpreted in many ways and you have to find out which way to redefine it for yourself if you ever plan to be married or be with a great guy. After reading it, I walked away with some important truths that define me in looking for a relationship:

1. Do you have to have chemistry or "it"? After speaking to over 20 married couples, I was completely surprised at their answers. Some had it, some didn't. Some never had it. The one thing ALL couples stated though was that, despite what any so-called relationship expert will tell you, it's not important or essential for a successful marriage or partnership because whether or not you ever had "it", the "it" does fade. And after it fades, you have to have compatibilty and friendship or the relationship will end.
And just like love, the definition of chemistry varies. You may be compatible in various important ways without the chemical "spark".

2. What if you are not "in love" with your partner? We are taught in books and movies and by romantics everywhere that love is a euphoric feeling of butterflies that happens whenever you're around a certain someone. But that's not love. That's a chemical reaction in your brain telling you to "mate" because a suitable candidate happens to be in the right place at the right time when you're optimal to reproduce and that's the whole truth. There are some people that get that "spark" if you will with a quite a few people. It's not reliable. It doesn't tell you if the person is responsible or kind, or even if he/she is having the same reaction to you that you are to them.

Being "in love" means that you fearlessly are willing to allow another human being to hold your future in their hands. And if you meet someone capable and worthy of that responsibility that takes it seriously and holds it like a delicate flower, then you are "In love". So shut the door and don't let him/her out! Take the line from Juno the movie. "Nothing is guarunteed in love. The best thing you can do in love is find someone who doesn't think your sh*t stink. If you can do that, you've got a pretty good shot at being happy for a long time."


3. So if that's not love, what is it? Love is a bonding experience that can happen quickly or over time to where you and another person who share the same values, experiences and goals decide to commit to one another. That's really it. Real love is responsibility, acceptance, stability and it's trust. Butterflies are a bonus, great to have but not important to a true loving, lasting relationship.

And don't compare your romantic life to that of another. Remember my "You are the Rule, not The Exception" mantra. If you meet someone with whom you have a "spark" who happens to also be the best partner for you, so be it. Some people do, but remember they are the exception. Just like we can't all be supermodels, we can't all happen to, by chance, fall in real love with the person to whom we are chemically attracted to and remember the only purpose of that is to mate, once you mate, it usually wears off for one or both of you.


In conclusion, what's important is looking for real love and building on that with someone who wants to build that with you, not looking for the Holy "It" Grail. BUT I encourage you to have the strength to always follow your heart, whatever that may be. For some people, having that spark is way more important than being a in a stable relationship with a great guy that wants to build a future. If you can say to yourself and mean it, that you'd rather be alone than be without "spark", then don't settle for less than what you want. If you think your "Spark" filled love is out there, I say "Float On" and wish you the best of luck. It's not impossible to find, but it might be a long, long wait for that "spark"  love when "real" love is right in front of you.

Have you ever questioned if a relationship was the real thing because you did not feel "it"with someone? If so, do you regret not staying in the relationship?

I Thought You Were Crazy About Me...But You Were Just CRAZY!!!

When I saw a bite on your hand, I asked you about it. You said a dust bunny bit you. I laughed because I thought you were being funny. But you were dead serious.




When you said you had to check behind your dresser 3 times because "the little people were after you". I thought, everyone has the right to be precautious.



When you told me you wore a diaper, you know, just in case, I thought , "I like a man that thinks ahead!"



I just knew you were the one when you said you'd die without me.........then you went on to say, that's because you can't bear the thought of going to prison after you do me in.



I was awed by the fact that 10 of your high school buddies named their children after you. You then went on to say, that you did deliver half of them during the 6 weeks it took to get your GED.



I felt so special that you liked to watch me sleep. And eat. And from across the street while I was at work. During my aerobics class. While I used the bathroom. You know, nothing out of the ordinary....but I still don't know how you got that job as shampoo girl at my salon.



When I began to get male attention on Myspace and AOL, you didn't blink an eye. Of course I have found out later that they were all you, talking to me simultaneously for over 12 hours a day. But that's just love. Right?



But then it happened. You did the one thing no person in their right mind would ever do. I knew then you were insane. I knew at that moment it was never about me, it was never love. It was just crazy. And what you did was absolutely heinous, I don't even know if I can type it without throwing up.



As I saw you drink the milk right out of the milk carton and put it back in the fridge...........I knew you were crazy!!!

Who gets the pew in church after a break-up?!?

I'll never forget an excited phone call I received from a good friend several years ago. She had given her life over to Christ and convinced her boyfriend at the time to do the same. Several months later, they were engaged. She was excited and so was her new church family. They became the "it" couple. They joined the same ministries, attended the same church functions together and even sat in the same pew together Sunday after Sunday.

However, before the relationship evolved into marriage, the two split up and it was not amicable. Now, my friend, who had now built her life, both social and spiritual in their church, was devastated, almost embarrassed. Her life had become the church and so had her former fiance's. Determined to not let the incident deter her from her Christian life, she continued to attend the church. And so did he. Which ultimately became a HUGE problem. Not just for the former couple, but for the friends, associates and family members as well. Were her friends STILL his friends and was the opposite true? Were they still serving jointly in their respective ministries and more importantly, who gets the pew?!?



When deciding who gets what and goes where in a break-up that involves where you worship there are 3 things I advise prior:

1) Have a church/synagogue/temple/mosque home no matter where you live that you can call your own.

2) I advise you not to date within your religious place of worship. This is my opinion. I know everyone knows of couples who met and married in church, but based upon my experience and the many experiences of others, I am convinced these person are exceptions rather than the rule. There far too many churches and singles ministries for you to have to date within your own.

3) Keep your dating life and spiritual life separate in terms of where and who you worship with. I personally consider bringing someone to my church like bringing someone to meet my family or my parents. I'm not saying I wouldn't worship with the person I'm dating I would, will and do. I'm saying I wouldn't bring them "home" to my church until I felt we were solid and felt confident they would continue to be around.

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Now let's say you do meet someone in church, meet someone and start attending church together or bring someone into your home church and unfortunately, it doesn't work out. Asking about "Who gets the pew?" may seem like a silly, comical question unless you have or are currently going through it. Regardless, it is a very valid conversation that needs to take place, especially if you are a spiritual person. Here are the 3 most important questions that will decide who gets what and where when it comes to the place of worship:


1) Is the place of worship the church of home or either or both of the partners?

 If you both got "saved" or re-introduced to your faith and became members of the same place of worship, although it's difficult, both of you have every right to stay there. However, be sensitive to each other following the break-up and make sure to give each other the space one would need to heal and move forward in the future.

If one part of the couple is simply attending the other's home church and has not become a member, it may not be comfortable to continue attending the church immediately following the break-up. I'm not saying your banned. If you enjoyed the services, I definitely encourage you to continue attending, but give your ex some time to get over the loss of your relationship and consider his/her feelings in the matter.

2)Is your social/spiritual/business networks tied to the place of worship?

Church, especially in the minority community, is the epicenter of our social life. If you grew up in the South like me, you know that it is especially true. Not going to church cut yo off socially and somewhat economically. Church goers support church goers businesses. The congregation is also a rich resource of social and business networking and therefore cutting through every fabric of our lives. Once established at a particular church, curtailing membership can be much like cutting off an arm. And let's be real: socially, church circles are hard to penetrate and be a part of. Once you're blessed to be let into the church "inner circles" it is a prized possession that one must not take lightly.

If it is so in your case with the church you attended with your ex, you must tread lightly and carefully as to not disturb your relationships there. Believe me, many churches have sen "super couples" and not so super couples come and go, so you will find understanding and empathy to move forward and continue to worship.

3)Both of you are card-carrying members of the church and continue to attend and be involved in church. Who gets the pew?

Whew! The tough question to answer! But here go: Life takes us on all kinds of twists and turns and believe me, 0% of us are EXACTLY where and with (or without) whom we'd thought we'd be. Here's the deal with changes: you've gotta roll with them or they will roll right over you. Same with the pew. What it meant to sit in a particular place with your significant other versus what it would mean to sit in that one particular spot now are 2 different things. The pew becomes....just a pew. You can receive the Lord anywhere in the sanctuary and that is why you're there,right? So no one gets the pew! It belongs to everyone who worships there anyway.

Now, let me be clear, DO NOT start showing out in the sanctuary by staking your "claim" to a certain pew, service or annual church event. It always starts of innocently enough, you show up with your support group and your significant shows up with theirs and then there's the square-off. As difficult as it may be to do so, go out of your way to be gracious and then make whatever new pew, service or annual event you go to the hot place to be.



Now that your single, make sure you check out secular and non-secular singles events when you're ready, but don't let a broken heart or relationship keep you from worship wherever and however you choose to do it. Remember, faith led you thus far. And I'm OUT....but.....



Have you ever considered leaving your place of worship after a break-up? How did you handle it?

Ten Signs it's Time for a Man or a Woman to Settle Down

    I work with plenty of married and betrothed(engaged) men. Out of curiousity one day, I asked them what made them propose to their partners. As a woman I wanted to hear "A symphony plays every time she stepped into the room" or "Her beauty is incomprehensible". While they may feel this way (though never admit it), one thing was true and common among all of them: they settled down because it was time to not be a single playa anymore.

    It's true: there is a time, and it's different for everyone, where being single just isn't the move. For some it's in their twenties, for others it's their thirties or forties, however the signs are the same. And it's not just males who need to see signs that it is time to settle down, there are women also need these signs to do the same. Not all women are relationship driven or marriage minded. For men, there may be nothing better than another woman, but for some women, there's nothing better than a new admirer.

    But regardless of your mindset or issues, there are signs that's it's time to hang up the saddle and settle down. Here are the 10 for Men and the 10 for Women.


MEN:

1) You have 2 or more children with 2 or more women, none of which you have full custody or mothers you are still in a relationship with.


2)The single women you tend to approach call the music you listened to as a young adult "Old School".

3)All your contemporaries conversations and topics of interest have changed except yours: they talk about their significant others and children, you talk about finding a new chick before you let the chick you're still with go.

4)Although you're an eligible bachelor, none of your friends or acquaintances want to hook you up with people they know and when you ask, they roll their eyes or openly introduce you with a verbal warning of how you're no good and they're "not responsible" for what happens between you.

5) All the women that know you or of you do not take dating you seriously.

6) The last time you introduced someone as your girlfriend or significant other was high school.

7)The meaning of "working things out" to you is getting your sex buddy back after a hiatus.

8)You approach a woman you've already dated but don't realize it until she points it out.

9) YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT SETTLING DOWN.

10) There are business establishments (restaurants, bars, clothing stores) you can no longer patronize because you've dated or slept with one or more persons on their staff.



WOMEN:

1) You have 2 or more children with 2 or more men, none of which you are still in a relationship with.

2)The men you date idea of good time is completely physical. Yours isn't.
3)The word "responsible" isn't a word people who know you would use to describe you.
4)You unknowingly passed a guy you were dating in the street and didn't recognize him because you've never seen him in daylight.

5)When an eligible bachelor comes up in conversation, your friends and acquaintances think of several options to hook them up with....but you're not one of them.

6)When your girlfriends are "Boo'ed Up", only one man's name is mentioned. When you're "Boo'ed Up", it's anybody's guess who you're actually with.

7)You see someone you actually babysat in the same club you're in.

8)You now only date men from out of state because you've dated/slept with everyone in yours.

9) The wedding invitations you receive stop giving you the option of Plus 1 Guest.

10) The thought of settling down has actually crossed your mind.



Do you think any of these signs hold true? What other signs are there for women and men who need to get out of the game and settle down?

The nature of love...

Tonight I had the priviledge of attending a Full Spectrum event (www.fsexperience.com) entitled, "The Star-Crossed Lovers. A discussion that explores the bittersweet nature of romantic love".

I'll admit, I went to see Mo Beasley, one of the panelists, in person. He looked great on the flyer. But mostly, I went to hear the bittersweet side of love since I am very, very single at the moment and not really feeling the love vibe of Valentine's Day which is 3 days away.

What the creators of the event envisioned it to be and what it became were totally different, mostly because of a young sista on the panel by the name of Tamar-Kali. She brought in an aspect of not bitter love, but love as a whole experience in all its forms. She stated that if love was recognized and experienced in all its forms, we would not continue to seek it nor would it continue to elude us. For her, she was in love with her close friends, people she admired and knew personally, and yes it was a romantic love, even sometimes a crush. She went on to say that we equate romantic love with sex, which it isn't. It is a high we feel whenever we see certain people or around certain people or things that bring out the best in us. Instead society dictates to us what romantic love is: it's between a man and a woman, it's flowers, it's dates and it ultimatley leads to sex and a monogomaous relationship. While that can be romantic love , but that's not all romantic love, or just love is or can be.

The panel also discussed what happens when love fades and what makes a relationship last. What qualities should one invest in if romantic love fades?(which it does). One of the panelists, Lynn Harris told us a story about the man she dated before she met her husband. As she debated breaking up with him over coffee with one of her girlfriends, the friend posed a simple but very deep question to her: "Do you feel like you want to run things by him?" This simple statement brought about applause and deep thinking. Why? Because it says alot about how you feel about the person you're with. The simple, but thought-provoking question really asked "Do I respect this person's opinion and/or position in my life?" I believe if a lot of people asked that question of the person's they were with right now, a WHOLE lot of people would suddenly be single before Valentine's Day, lol!

While I won't go into everything that was shared, I did walk away with a feeling of peace and understanding I didn't have before I walked in. Although there are currently no prospects, I am okay with wanting companionship. I can't say that I was at peace for not wanting to be single for a long time. I also walked away with a greater sense of what LOVE is and how it exists in all its forms. I'm in love with a few people in my life and they with me, in a romantic way, so I am loving and being loved and to know that feels good! I also walked away having a better sense of the friends/loves I want in my life and how to be that person that I want in my life. In all , I learned how to be a better lover:-)

So while I almost rushed into this Valentine's day bitter, on the hunt for a date befoe the big day, I now know how much love is already in my life and how to attract more love in my life.

I leave you with a short story told by panelist Trevor Exter:

A friend of mine spent a Summer with the Hopi Indians in the desert. While there, he observed their traditions and noticed that alot of their songs were about water. One day, while walking with one of the elders he asked why. "Well, " said the elder, "We sing about it because we live in the desert. Water is the one thing we have the least of. Just like in your culture, you sing about love".

Simply deep.