Monday, August 23, 2010

Excuse Me if I Don't Feel Like Being in a Fake Relationship!

Not too long ago, I met a guy that took up all my time, hung out with me, you know the whole nine. We cooked together, cleaned , made "plans" with our friends.I thought, okay, this guy really likes me. So I told him how I felt. He told me he wasn't interested in having a "girlfriend". I told him we could no longer be "just friends" since I was interested in having a "boyfriend". He told me he would think about not being my friend , but in the meantime could we still hang out? In fact, it took weeks for him to stop calling, emailing and coming by. He couldn't understand what MY problem was. I mean, excuse me if I don't feel like being in a fake relationship!

I'll admit, over the years I've perfected being the perfect female buddy to many guys. It's not the position I jockey for every time, but in the past, the one I had settled for when a romantic relationship was not in the cards. I wasn't just the beer guzzling, football, basketball girl pretending to be just one of the jocks though. I was the flirty, touchy-feely, hold hands and late-night phone call girl that the guys could call and lead on without ever having to be called out girl. And I accepted it. Each time one of these "fake relationships" popped up, I gladly settled into my place. I never questioned why I was never the girl who was asked out on a date, never the girlfriend but always the "home girl". In fact, I can't tell you how many times these guys popped up with girlfriends and I could never figure out when or how they had the time to get one since they spent a lot of their time with me! I never crossed the line physically or sexually with any of these guys(I didn't want to get hurt), but the intimacy we shared through spending time and getting to know one another, sharing secrets was deeper than any physical act could ever be and I fed off of it.

I remember times when I would have to explain, embarrassingly, my "fake relationships" with my overly flirtatious guy buddies when our behaviour would become public. Once, a guy friend even kissed me full on the mouth! I was so embarrassed when I had to tell my friends that this guy, who was so willing to be publicly affectionate with me, was not willing to discuss the possibility of being in an actual relationship with me. I knew then these type of relationships had to end.

So in order to stop being the girl in the "fake" relationship I came up with rules:

1)Your time, your space and your person is precious. You are special. You are wonderful and you are a beautiful person, especially when people get to know you. Ever wonder how that girl with a bitchy attitude gets that sweet guy? It's because she keeps that sweet wonderful part of her under lock and key until someone comes along and proves they deserve that part of her. I'm not suggesting you become a full out be-otch or jerk. What I am suggesting is that you not give away your time, your space and your sweetness to just anyone that comes along.

2) Be true to what you want! Never say or act like you want less than what you want. In other words, don't settle for less because you like/love someone. Don't keep thinking that one day he/she will come around and feel the same way you do about them now. How they feel about you RIGHT NOW and how they are treating you RIGHT NOW is what is important. One cannot predict the future. Do not allow someone to use you as their stepping stone until someone they really want and will treat well comes along.

3) Be direct. If you have hung out more than twice, go out regularly and call each other just as much, you have every right to state your feelings and ask important questions. Protect your heart because no one else will. Ask how the other person feels about you. Ask if the relationship is going anywhere. No one has the right to keep you in limbo and you have every right to not stay there and walk away.

4)Don't let people take advantage of your romantic feelings. Come on. Don't let a guy use you physically or let a girl use you as a cuddle buddy when times get rough. Sure, we'd all love to have no strings attached sexual or non-sexual intimacy every one in awhile, but usually only one person is benefiting from that, and it's usually not you in the end. While you get attached thinking they really care, they are usually making plans to be with someone else.

5) Your time is precious. Do not spend it on anyone that is not willing to make a commitment to you. So stop the late phone calls, the all night text conversations, Twitter and Facebook conversations, hanging out at a moment's notice and being the stand-in "date" when a last minute invitation is given. You are better than some one's lonely talk and afterthought! If he/she calls, be polite but keep the conversation short. If he/she doesn't call you at least three days in advance to invite you somewhere, say you have plans. If he/she asks you for help and then tries to turn it into an all day social outing, politely excuse yourself after an hour of "helping" and GO HOME! She can find someone else to put that shelf together and he can cook, clean and run errands just as efficiently without you as he can with you. Remember, if you were that special to them, you'd be that special someone, not just a friend.

In conclusion, it takes forever to really get to know someone but only a minute to fall in love. And your worth both! Have you ever been in a "fake" relationship? If it's over, how did you end it?

1 comment:

  1. I love the fact that you said it takes a minute to fall in love with someone but a lifetime to get to know a person. That is so true, thats why we should take out time before we rush into a relationship... We should get to know them better before we fall in love with a crazy...