Not too long ago, I met a guy that took up all my time, hung out with me, you know the whole nine. We cooked together, cleaned , made "plans" with our friends.I thought, okay, this guy really likes me. So I told him how I felt. He told me he wasn't interested in having a "girlfriend". I told him we could no longer be "just friends" since I was interested in having a "boyfriend". He told me he would think about not being my friend , but in the meantime could we still hang out? In fact, it took weeks for him to stop calling, emailing and coming by. He couldn't understand what MY problem was. I mean, excuse me if I don't feel like being in a fake relationship!
I'll admit, over the years I've perfected being the perfect female buddy to many guys. It's not the position I jockey for every time, but in the past, the one I had settled for when a romantic relationship was not in the cards. I wasn't just the beer guzzling, football, basketball girl pretending to be just one of the jocks though. I was the flirty, touchy-feely, hold hands and late-night phone call girl that the guys could call and lead on without ever having to be called out girl. And I accepted it. Each time one of these "fake relationships" popped up, I gladly settled into my place. I never questioned why I was never the girl who was asked out on a date, never the girlfriend but always the "home girl". In fact, I can't tell you how many times these guys popped up with girlfriends and I could never figure out when or how they had the time to get one since they spent a lot of their time with me! I never crossed the line physically or sexually with any of these guys(I didn't want to get hurt), but the intimacy we shared through spending time and getting to know one another, sharing secrets was deeper than any physical act could ever be and I fed off of it.
I remember times when I would have to explain, embarrassingly, my "fake relationships" with my overly flirtatious guy buddies when our behaviour would become public. Once, a guy friend even kissed me full on the mouth! I was so embarrassed when I had to tell my friends that this guy, who was so willing to be publicly affectionate with me, was not willing to discuss the possibility of being in an actual relationship with me. I knew then these type of relationships had to end.
So in order to stop being the girl in the "fake" relationship I came up with rules:
1)Your time, your space and your person is precious. You are special. You are wonderful and you are a beautiful person, especially when people get to know you. Ever wonder how that girl with a bitchy attitude gets that sweet guy? It's because she keeps that sweet wonderful part of her under lock and key until someone comes along and proves they deserve that part of her. I'm not suggesting you become a full out be-otch or jerk. What I am suggesting is that you not give away your time, your space and your sweetness to just anyone that comes along.
2) Be true to what you want! Never say or act like you want less than what you want. In other words, don't settle for less because you like/love someone. Don't keep thinking that one day he/she will come around and feel the same way you do about them now. How they feel about you RIGHT NOW and how they are treating you RIGHT NOW is what is important. One cannot predict the future. Do not allow someone to use you as their stepping stone until someone they really want and will treat well comes along.
3) Be direct. If you have hung out more than twice, go out regularly and call each other just as much, you have every right to state your feelings and ask important questions. Protect your heart because no one else will. Ask how the other person feels about you. Ask if the relationship is going anywhere. No one has the right to keep you in limbo and you have every right to not stay there and walk away.
4)Don't let people take advantage of your romantic feelings. Come on. Don't let a guy use you physically or let a girl use you as a cuddle buddy when times get rough. Sure, we'd all love to have no strings attached sexual or non-sexual intimacy every one in awhile, but usually only one person is benefiting from that, and it's usually not you in the end. While you get attached thinking they really care, they are usually making plans to be with someone else.
5) Your time is precious. Do not spend it on anyone that is not willing to make a commitment to you. So stop the late phone calls, the all night text conversations, Twitter and Facebook conversations, hanging out at a moment's notice and being the stand-in "date" when a last minute invitation is given. You are better than some one's lonely talk and afterthought! If he/she calls, be polite but keep the conversation short. If he/she doesn't call you at least three days in advance to invite you somewhere, say you have plans. If he/she asks you for help and then tries to turn it into an all day social outing, politely excuse yourself after an hour of "helping" and GO HOME! She can find someone else to put that shelf together and he can cook, clean and run errands just as efficiently without you as he can with you. Remember, if you were that special to them, you'd be that special someone, not just a friend.
In conclusion, it takes forever to really get to know someone but only a minute to fall in love. And your worth both! Have you ever been in a "fake" relationship? If it's over, how did you end it?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Back-handed compliments:Thank you or F**k you?
Not too long ago, I was attending an event with a friend. We ran into a past classmate there. As we exchanged greetings, the classmate remarked on our current looks. I remembering thanking God that I actually decided to put some effort into my appearance that day. "Girl you look great!", she said to me, "Who knew you could be so cute?". Blank stare. Who knew I could be so cute? How in the heck was I supposed to respond to that? With a Thank you or F&%k you?I mean, was that a compliment or a diss? If I looked good or "cute" as she put it, she should have kept her comment to just that. Instead, she wrapped her words in an insult known commonly as the Back-Handed Compliment. Adding the "Who knew?" was just unnecesary.
And maybe she wasn't trying to be rude or insulting. Let's face it: many of us have put our foot in our mouths plenty of times. Many years ago, I recall having a conversation about how I just had to lose the 10 lbs. I had gained over the Summer. The friend (I hope she doesn't call me out if she reads this) asked, "You look fine, how much do you weigh?"
I replied, "I weigh about 130lbs!" I exclaimed"I'm so FAT!"
She squinted her eys at me and replied, "That's how much I weigh"
Scrambling, I quickly replied, " Yeah, but you look good with the extra weight." YIKES!!! It took a LONG time for her to let that one go. But again, I was in no way trying to be insulting and she knew that. Unfortunately there are people who intentionally give insults wrapped in a would-be compliment.No one's a stranger to back-handed compliments or passive-aggresive insults as they are called in pysychology.
Anyway, the rude girl I ran into comments that day got me to thinking about where these unnecesary comments come from and why. This what I've come up with:
1) Simply put: They hatin' on you. Okay, I dislike the term 'haters' mainly because most people do not have haters, they are simply disliked and for good reason (yep, check yourself first before you declare haterism people). But in the case of the back-handed compliment, if only for that moment, it's quite true. If a person cannot accept the fact that you either handled a job well, performed above measure or simply looked exceptionally well without reproach, it is what it is.
2)They want to put you in your "place", i.e., "I'm still better than you". So imagine that whenever you walk into a room people constantly compliment you for work achieved or perceived everyday. All of a sudden, one day or several days in a row, someone comes along and takes away your shine. It's a little disturbing, is it not? Well, that's what happens when certain persons put their confidence and attractiveness in other people's hands other than their own, their so-called confidence is easily shaken resulting in a not-so-nice comment towards you that is determined to shake your confidence as you did theirs.
3.) Maybe we're genetically inclined. Africa has a long history of checking people in a different way than we do in the Western hemisphere. For instance, it is expected that when attending an urban event or party that people will not arrive on time and it's suggested that it comes from some tribal beliefs in parts of African culture that it is rude to show up to a party on time. Guest are expected to arrive anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour than suggested. Another belief from the African diaspora is to not over compliment or praise someone for their actions, work or beauty.For example, you may call a women very pretty but then also suggest that she may have worn larger earrings or a different colored headdress. This was done so to keep people from being overly confident or getting too comfortable with their achievements, what we call getting a "big head". Not a bad idea when done for a good reason.
These may very well be the reasons people say some of these ugly things. But what's more important, since the only thing you can control in the situation is you, is how to respond. The number one thing I reccomend is IGNORING it or WALKING away. Nothing would frustrate the insulting peson more. But if you find you are in a situation where you simply cannot ignore or get away from the person or it happens more than once. Call them on it!I've come up with several snappy answers to a few common back-handed comps:
1)Your pretty...for a dark-skinned girl.
A) I think I'm pretty period, don't you?
B) But what if I were Asian, would I be as hot?
2)WOW...you're pretty smart for a blonde.
A) And I was just thinking you're not bitchy for a brunette!
B)Thank you! And I don't care what anyone else says... you're not an a$%hole.
3)Wow... you actually look GOOD today!
A)Thanks! What about yesterday, did I meet your approval?
B)And you actually smell nice! We both stepped it up today! Yea for us!
4)You look great for your age.
A)Thank you! You have the greatest inner beauty of anyone I know!
B)Aww, I wish I was like you and could leave the house looking any kind of way.
5)For an athlete, you're pretty smart.
A) Yes, I'm not afraid to use all those big words I learned in college like "the' & "and".
B) Well, I earned a 3.0 while practicing twice a day, playing three games a week and traveling. What were you doing while you earned your 2.5?
What are some back-handed compliments you received? What did you say/do?
And maybe she wasn't trying to be rude or insulting. Let's face it: many of us have put our foot in our mouths plenty of times. Many years ago, I recall having a conversation about how I just had to lose the 10 lbs. I had gained over the Summer. The friend (I hope she doesn't call me out if she reads this) asked, "You look fine, how much do you weigh?"
I replied, "I weigh about 130lbs!" I exclaimed"I'm so FAT!"
She squinted her eys at me and replied, "That's how much I weigh"
Scrambling, I quickly replied, " Yeah, but you look good with the extra weight." YIKES!!! It took a LONG time for her to let that one go. But again, I was in no way trying to be insulting and she knew that. Unfortunately there are people who intentionally give insults wrapped in a would-be compliment.No one's a stranger to back-handed compliments or passive-aggresive insults as they are called in pysychology.
Anyway, the rude girl I ran into comments that day got me to thinking about where these unnecesary comments come from and why. This what I've come up with:
1) Simply put: They hatin' on you. Okay, I dislike the term 'haters' mainly because most people do not have haters, they are simply disliked and for good reason (yep, check yourself first before you declare haterism people). But in the case of the back-handed compliment, if only for that moment, it's quite true. If a person cannot accept the fact that you either handled a job well, performed above measure or simply looked exceptionally well without reproach, it is what it is.
2)They want to put you in your "place", i.e., "I'm still better than you". So imagine that whenever you walk into a room people constantly compliment you for work achieved or perceived everyday. All of a sudden, one day or several days in a row, someone comes along and takes away your shine. It's a little disturbing, is it not? Well, that's what happens when certain persons put their confidence and attractiveness in other people's hands other than their own, their so-called confidence is easily shaken resulting in a not-so-nice comment towards you that is determined to shake your confidence as you did theirs.
3.) Maybe we're genetically inclined. Africa has a long history of checking people in a different way than we do in the Western hemisphere. For instance, it is expected that when attending an urban event or party that people will not arrive on time and it's suggested that it comes from some tribal beliefs in parts of African culture that it is rude to show up to a party on time. Guest are expected to arrive anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour than suggested. Another belief from the African diaspora is to not over compliment or praise someone for their actions, work or beauty.For example, you may call a women very pretty but then also suggest that she may have worn larger earrings or a different colored headdress. This was done so to keep people from being overly confident or getting too comfortable with their achievements, what we call getting a "big head". Not a bad idea when done for a good reason.
These may very well be the reasons people say some of these ugly things. But what's more important, since the only thing you can control in the situation is you, is how to respond. The number one thing I reccomend is IGNORING it or WALKING away. Nothing would frustrate the insulting peson more. But if you find you are in a situation where you simply cannot ignore or get away from the person or it happens more than once. Call them on it!I've come up with several snappy answers to a few common back-handed comps:
1)Your pretty...for a dark-skinned girl.
A) I think I'm pretty period, don't you?
B) But what if I were Asian, would I be as hot?
2)WOW...you're pretty smart for a blonde.
A) And I was just thinking you're not bitchy for a brunette!
B)Thank you! And I don't care what anyone else says... you're not an a$%hole.
3)Wow... you actually look GOOD today!
A)Thanks! What about yesterday, did I meet your approval?
B)And you actually smell nice! We both stepped it up today! Yea for us!
4)You look great for your age.
A)Thank you! You have the greatest inner beauty of anyone I know!
B)Aww, I wish I was like you and could leave the house looking any kind of way.
5)For an athlete, you're pretty smart.
A) Yes, I'm not afraid to use all those big words I learned in college like "the' & "and".
B) Well, I earned a 3.0 while practicing twice a day, playing three games a week and traveling. What were you doing while you earned your 2.5?
What are some back-handed compliments you received? What did you say/do?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
A Hello is sometimes just a HELLO! Or I ain't SWEATIN' you!
Just so you know, I'm not SWEATIN' you!
Sometime ago, I attended an after-work social event. The kind we have all been to: reduced drinks, free admission, hot DJ. The person I attended with was a regular to these events and knew most of the crowd that had shown up. She pointed out some of the young men there and gave short bios on each one. One young man worked in the same field I was in at the time and being that there were very few Black people in the industry, I wanted to connect. My opportunity came when I went up to the bar for my 2-for-1 drinks. As we ordered from the bartender I simply said hello, introduced myself and weaved my occupation into the brief convo. He was polite and we briefy talked. I told him it was nice to meet him and stated if we saw each other at a trade event, we'd speak. That was it. I didn't ask for his business card, phone number or email address nor did he offer any of his. It was a straight networking connection. At least on my end. As the night went on, we exchanged glances and I wondered what was up with the stares. I shrugged it off and did not give it a second thought.
Fast forward to a month later. At another event, I saw the same guy. This time he was surrounded by a group of his friends, including one guy I knew personally. I smiled as I walked by but in return, I got a few snickers, glances and a sly smile, not just from him but from all his buddies too. Eventually, my friend who was a part of his "crew" came over to say hello. He asked if I knew the guy in question. I replied with how I met him.
"Well, he thinks you like him. He said you tried to kick it to him at a function last month".
WTF!?!? Was he serious? "You've got to be kidding me," I told my friend, " I was simply networking, I never expressed any interest in him whatsoever!". Man, was I heated. Since when did saying 'Hello' equal 'I want to bear your children'?
"It didn't sound like you, you're pretty direct and I told him so, but I had to come over and check." he said.
First of all, there is no anger like anger from being accused of liking someone you don't or being with someone you haven't. Why? Because there is no real way to disprove it. All you can do is deny it, but people will still wonder and be like hmm... and you, you wanna kill somebody!I had to get my head straight. Was I back in 6th grade? Was this guy really walking around with his chest puffed out as I walked by because he thought I was "sweatin'" him? C'mon son!
I wish I could say he was the only guy I encountered in NYC like that, but unfortunately that would not be true. There have been men, and I use that term loosely, that have taken my perceived interest in them and used it like a Billboard posting that states "I am so hot! Need proof? She wants me!" Grow up!
And I'm not saying men are the only ones. Oh no. Women do it too. Don't get me wrong, I like my ego to be stroked just as much as the next person, but not at the expense of anyone's reputation or feelings. Because of this, I've realized from time to time, we all need to check our egos and not jump to conclusions nor hold onto them because feelings and interests do change. Here are a list of "Don'ts" to go by to keep your 'Hellos" and friendly convos from becoming ego driven nightmares.
1)Don't think that everybody that steps to you wants you. A 'Hello' or friendly convo is just that. Stop equating every person that comes up to you with "Attack of the Killer Street Pimps" from the movie 'Hollywood Shuffle' or the guys in the opener of 'She's Gotta Have It'. Not everyone that approaches you wants to drink your bathwater.
2)Don't read into something that's not there. Just because someone finds you intriguing and wants to get to know you better, that does not denote that they trying to get AT you. It's amazing how people forget their social or occupational position when it comes to the opposite sex. If you work for a non-profit that provides clothing for the homeless and I'm trying to start one, you may ACTUALLY be a good person to know professionally. Unless the person states they are interested in you for more than friendship, don't assume they are. I befriend interesting individuals all the time. I'd hate to think that every single one thinks I'm on a mission to tap that a*%.
3)Don't exploit another person's perceived interest in you. For one, your ego will be hurt unneccesarily when you find they either don't want you or deny interest and your face might get cracked if you brag to your girls or your boys that so & so are "feelin' you" when they are not. And if the person is feeling you, how do you think they will feel when they see you acting like a kid at his first 6th grade dance smirking and acting like jerk with your girls or boys in public places? It's such a turn-off. Believe me, if they were feeling you before, they will stop!
4) Don't act "too good" to speak. I'm not saying to encourage someone you're not interested in if they expressly said they were. But if you're the guy and the girl was nice to you, say hello. If your a girl and the guy was respectful, speak when spoken to. It costs nothing and yet amounts to so much of your character to be polite. Assuming someone is after you because they approached you could be harmful to your personal and professional life. Who wants to connect with a stuck-up, ego driven individual?
What about my situation? I've seen the guy out and about several times since then. Should I have taken the "L" and preserved his ego by not clearing up his obvious mistake about my interest in him? Or should I have let him know that I was in no way "sweatin' him and deflate his ego? And ladies we all know how guys can be when you hurt their egos. What I had decided was that telling my friend about it was enough. I'm sure he brought that back to the guy not to mention the fact that I haven't spoken to him since our first encounter. That alone should have tipped him off that I was not into him that way. But I'll never know for sure. What I do know for sure is that when people like him finally grow up, a lot of us will have outgrown them.
I'm sure there are plenty of other scenarios that people have experienced on both sides of the fence: thinking someone wanted us when they didn't and having someone think that you are into them when you weren't. Feel free to share!
Sometime ago, I attended an after-work social event. The kind we have all been to: reduced drinks, free admission, hot DJ. The person I attended with was a regular to these events and knew most of the crowd that had shown up. She pointed out some of the young men there and gave short bios on each one. One young man worked in the same field I was in at the time and being that there were very few Black people in the industry, I wanted to connect. My opportunity came when I went up to the bar for my 2-for-1 drinks. As we ordered from the bartender I simply said hello, introduced myself and weaved my occupation into the brief convo. He was polite and we briefy talked. I told him it was nice to meet him and stated if we saw each other at a trade event, we'd speak. That was it. I didn't ask for his business card, phone number or email address nor did he offer any of his. It was a straight networking connection. At least on my end. As the night went on, we exchanged glances and I wondered what was up with the stares. I shrugged it off and did not give it a second thought.
Fast forward to a month later. At another event, I saw the same guy. This time he was surrounded by a group of his friends, including one guy I knew personally. I smiled as I walked by but in return, I got a few snickers, glances and a sly smile, not just from him but from all his buddies too. Eventually, my friend who was a part of his "crew" came over to say hello. He asked if I knew the guy in question. I replied with how I met him.
"Well, he thinks you like him. He said you tried to kick it to him at a function last month".
WTF!?!? Was he serious? "You've got to be kidding me," I told my friend, " I was simply networking, I never expressed any interest in him whatsoever!". Man, was I heated. Since when did saying 'Hello' equal 'I want to bear your children'?
"It didn't sound like you, you're pretty direct and I told him so, but I had to come over and check." he said.
First of all, there is no anger like anger from being accused of liking someone you don't or being with someone you haven't. Why? Because there is no real way to disprove it. All you can do is deny it, but people will still wonder and be like hmm... and you, you wanna kill somebody!I had to get my head straight. Was I back in 6th grade? Was this guy really walking around with his chest puffed out as I walked by because he thought I was "sweatin'" him? C'mon son!
I wish I could say he was the only guy I encountered in NYC like that, but unfortunately that would not be true. There have been men, and I use that term loosely, that have taken my perceived interest in them and used it like a Billboard posting that states "I am so hot! Need proof? She wants me!" Grow up!
And I'm not saying men are the only ones. Oh no. Women do it too. Don't get me wrong, I like my ego to be stroked just as much as the next person, but not at the expense of anyone's reputation or feelings. Because of this, I've realized from time to time, we all need to check our egos and not jump to conclusions nor hold onto them because feelings and interests do change. Here are a list of "Don'ts" to go by to keep your 'Hellos" and friendly convos from becoming ego driven nightmares.
1)Don't think that everybody that steps to you wants you. A 'Hello' or friendly convo is just that. Stop equating every person that comes up to you with "Attack of the Killer Street Pimps" from the movie 'Hollywood Shuffle' or the guys in the opener of 'She's Gotta Have It'. Not everyone that approaches you wants to drink your bathwater.
2)Don't read into something that's not there. Just because someone finds you intriguing and wants to get to know you better, that does not denote that they trying to get AT you. It's amazing how people forget their social or occupational position when it comes to the opposite sex. If you work for a non-profit that provides clothing for the homeless and I'm trying to start one, you may ACTUALLY be a good person to know professionally. Unless the person states they are interested in you for more than friendship, don't assume they are. I befriend interesting individuals all the time. I'd hate to think that every single one thinks I'm on a mission to tap that a*%.
3)Don't exploit another person's perceived interest in you. For one, your ego will be hurt unneccesarily when you find they either don't want you or deny interest and your face might get cracked if you brag to your girls or your boys that so & so are "feelin' you" when they are not. And if the person is feeling you, how do you think they will feel when they see you acting like a kid at his first 6th grade dance smirking and acting like jerk with your girls or boys in public places? It's such a turn-off. Believe me, if they were feeling you before, they will stop!
4) Don't act "too good" to speak. I'm not saying to encourage someone you're not interested in if they expressly said they were. But if you're the guy and the girl was nice to you, say hello. If your a girl and the guy was respectful, speak when spoken to. It costs nothing and yet amounts to so much of your character to be polite. Assuming someone is after you because they approached you could be harmful to your personal and professional life. Who wants to connect with a stuck-up, ego driven individual?
What about my situation? I've seen the guy out and about several times since then. Should I have taken the "L" and preserved his ego by not clearing up his obvious mistake about my interest in him? Or should I have let him know that I was in no way "sweatin' him and deflate his ego? And ladies we all know how guys can be when you hurt their egos. What I had decided was that telling my friend about it was enough. I'm sure he brought that back to the guy not to mention the fact that I haven't spoken to him since our first encounter. That alone should have tipped him off that I was not into him that way. But I'll never know for sure. What I do know for sure is that when people like him finally grow up, a lot of us will have outgrown them.
I'm sure there are plenty of other scenarios that people have experienced on both sides of the fence: thinking someone wanted us when they didn't and having someone think that you are into them when you weren't. Feel free to share!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Asked to help a friend move into a new place? JUST DO IT!!
In the past two years, I have moved a total of three times. The first time into the Big City, the second time into a new apartment since the first one went into foreclosure and a third time into my new studio apartment. Twice I rented a huge UHaul truck and twice I've hired movers. Needless to say, the hired help was more reliable. Not that my family and friends don't love me and I them, but really, who likes to move? No one, not even themselves, which is why moving services are such rackets.
Being in the city I've learned that it is quite a luxury to not have to move from place to place year after year. Being able to stay in one spot means you have a fabulous rent controlled apartment, live in an illegal structure, pay under the table or have crazy, mad dirt on your landlord which prevents him/her from going up on your rent. If you do not fall into any of these categories, chances are every year or other year you've moved into a cheaper or better apartment time after time. Which means time after time, you've hired movers or have asked friends to help you move, and probably more of the latter. Living in the city, no matter how much you make, is expensive.
That's just life. A friend that needs help moving is indeed a friend in need. But there are rules of etiquette to be followed on both sides whether you are the friend that is moving or the friend that is helping. Here they are:
The Friend Who is Moving:
1) Be organized. Pick the day(s) you are going to move at least 2-3 wekks ahead of time and ask your friends to set aside that day and the estimated hours it may take to move your things.
2) Be packed. Have a packing party with wine and pizza if you must, but have your boxes and bags packed ahead of time. I'm guilty of not following this rule. This WILL result in people not being "available" to help you move the next time and if you live in NYC, there will be a next time.
3) Offer compensation: Offer to feed your crew WELL in addition to returning any needed favors. Yes, you may have to housesit, doggy-sit, and help run errands over the next few weeks, but you will save lots of cash and honestly, if they are your friends, you would do the favors anyway. Which brings me to my next item:
4) Only ask your close friends and family to help you move. Moving can be rather intimate situation and honestly too huge of a favor to ask random co-workers, acquaintances or associates to assist in. What makes for an awkward situation is when you do not know which people fall into which category. Believe me, when you ask them to help you move, you will find out! Don't get bummed if someone says no if you ask. Most people have a strong desire to help others, but due to legitimite reasons, simply cannot. But if someone simply doesn't want to do it, respect that and move on. Again, the response will define for you where you are in their life and where they should probably be in yours.
5) Say THANK YOU. Your friends and family do not owe you one thing, not one iota in the world. Even with pizza and beer and lining that skirt like you promised for your best friend will not excuse you from stating your gratitude to each and every person who assisted you in moving. Say it loud, say it clear and say it often: THANK YOU!
The Friend Who Is Helping
1) If your friend asks you to move, SAY YES! Unless you honestly cannot make it for reasons out of your control, do not turn your friend down when they obviously need you. Yeah, who doesn't want to to spend their Saturday morning or afternoon laying around on the sofa or taking care of much needed errands, but a good friend will, even if reluctantly, be there to help. Remember, asking for help, even with close friends, can be difficult for some people despite what you may think. And honestly, you should be flattered. I'd be hurt if I found a friend moved and didn't think to ask me for help. A friend in need is a friend INDEED.
2) Show up on time. If the move is scheduled for Noon, be there at 11:55 a.m. or earlier. Nothing makes a situation as horrible as thinking no one or not enough people will show up to help you. Renting trucks, cars, vans or even worse, borrowing other people's vehicles to do the move means you have a very limited amount of time. Taking the attitude of "I'm not getting paid" or "They are lucky I'm coming" shows a lack of respect for your friend and your relationship.
3) Come ready to work. Moving is a lot of work that needs to be done in a finite period of time. Coming in a "lazy haze" does not help. Picking and choosing what items you will or won't carry only makes for a difficult situation. Unless you have a bad back or knees, pitch in where you fit in and don't stop moving until everything is moved out and then ultimately moved into the new place.
4) Be as pleasant as possible(no griping). As I mentioned before, no one wants to help someone move, people do not want to move themselves, again, who does? But if you are going to be there for your friends and family members, then leave that attitude at home. Moving is already a crazy, fast paced event, not to mention leaving a place can be quite emotional. Do not add to the crazy by being Mr/Mrs. Grinch. Don't remind your friend that you're only there for the pizza/liquor/dinner being served every 5 minutes, because believe me, THEY KNOW.
Well, those are my main etiquette rules for moving. I will be assisting in a well-planned, well thought out move for a friend this month. I appreciate her OCD level attention to detail, especially in this endeavor. My shift begins this Saturday at Noon and I'll only say it once and here in this blog to keep in accordance with my rules: I'm SO looking forward to the booze and food afterwards,lol! Happy moving!
Being in the city I've learned that it is quite a luxury to not have to move from place to place year after year. Being able to stay in one spot means you have a fabulous rent controlled apartment, live in an illegal structure, pay under the table or have crazy, mad dirt on your landlord which prevents him/her from going up on your rent. If you do not fall into any of these categories, chances are every year or other year you've moved into a cheaper or better apartment time after time. Which means time after time, you've hired movers or have asked friends to help you move, and probably more of the latter. Living in the city, no matter how much you make, is expensive.
That's just life. A friend that needs help moving is indeed a friend in need. But there are rules of etiquette to be followed on both sides whether you are the friend that is moving or the friend that is helping. Here they are:
The Friend Who is Moving:
1) Be organized. Pick the day(s) you are going to move at least 2-3 wekks ahead of time and ask your friends to set aside that day and the estimated hours it may take to move your things.
2) Be packed. Have a packing party with wine and pizza if you must, but have your boxes and bags packed ahead of time. I'm guilty of not following this rule. This WILL result in people not being "available" to help you move the next time and if you live in NYC, there will be a next time.
3) Offer compensation: Offer to feed your crew WELL in addition to returning any needed favors. Yes, you may have to housesit, doggy-sit, and help run errands over the next few weeks, but you will save lots of cash and honestly, if they are your friends, you would do the favors anyway. Which brings me to my next item:
4) Only ask your close friends and family to help you move. Moving can be rather intimate situation and honestly too huge of a favor to ask random co-workers, acquaintances or associates to assist in. What makes for an awkward situation is when you do not know which people fall into which category. Believe me, when you ask them to help you move, you will find out! Don't get bummed if someone says no if you ask. Most people have a strong desire to help others, but due to legitimite reasons, simply cannot. But if someone simply doesn't want to do it, respect that and move on. Again, the response will define for you where you are in their life and where they should probably be in yours.
5) Say THANK YOU. Your friends and family do not owe you one thing, not one iota in the world. Even with pizza and beer and lining that skirt like you promised for your best friend will not excuse you from stating your gratitude to each and every person who assisted you in moving. Say it loud, say it clear and say it often: THANK YOU!
The Friend Who Is Helping
1) If your friend asks you to move, SAY YES! Unless you honestly cannot make it for reasons out of your control, do not turn your friend down when they obviously need you. Yeah, who doesn't want to to spend their Saturday morning or afternoon laying around on the sofa or taking care of much needed errands, but a good friend will, even if reluctantly, be there to help. Remember, asking for help, even with close friends, can be difficult for some people despite what you may think. And honestly, you should be flattered. I'd be hurt if I found a friend moved and didn't think to ask me for help. A friend in need is a friend INDEED.
2) Show up on time. If the move is scheduled for Noon, be there at 11:55 a.m. or earlier. Nothing makes a situation as horrible as thinking no one or not enough people will show up to help you. Renting trucks, cars, vans or even worse, borrowing other people's vehicles to do the move means you have a very limited amount of time. Taking the attitude of "I'm not getting paid" or "They are lucky I'm coming" shows a lack of respect for your friend and your relationship.
3) Come ready to work. Moving is a lot of work that needs to be done in a finite period of time. Coming in a "lazy haze" does not help. Picking and choosing what items you will or won't carry only makes for a difficult situation. Unless you have a bad back or knees, pitch in where you fit in and don't stop moving until everything is moved out and then ultimately moved into the new place.
4) Be as pleasant as possible(no griping). As I mentioned before, no one wants to help someone move, people do not want to move themselves, again, who does? But if you are going to be there for your friends and family members, then leave that attitude at home. Moving is already a crazy, fast paced event, not to mention leaving a place can be quite emotional. Do not add to the crazy by being Mr/Mrs. Grinch. Don't remind your friend that you're only there for the pizza/liquor/dinner being served every 5 minutes, because believe me, THEY KNOW.
Well, those are my main etiquette rules for moving. I will be assisting in a well-planned, well thought out move for a friend this month. I appreciate her OCD level attention to detail, especially in this endeavor. My shift begins this Saturday at Noon and I'll only say it once and here in this blog to keep in accordance with my rules: I'm SO looking forward to the booze and food afterwards,lol! Happy moving!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Back to Love
One day, not too long ago, I had a "day of reflection", we all need one every once in a while. On my day, I reflected on the rejection of love, or the perception of it.
I realized that there have been times in my life where I did not allow myself to be loved, mainly because I was unaware of all the types of "love" that exist. I only knew of 2 kinds: Family(unconditional) love and romantic love. That's it. So, if you weren't family and I wasn't "in love" with you in a romantic way and you with me, then we had absolutely nothing to talk about, no reason to be around each other, excluding my girlfriends of course.
And man, if you were a guy and I was crushing on you, feeling you,"loving" you and wanting you? Then those feelings had better be returned or else hell fire and brimstone. If I liked you and you didn't like me back, I'd go into this "You don't deserve the wonderful, awesome Kimberly that everyone else who loved, adored and sees all these wonderful things in me gets, you get the attitude, neck-rolling, eye-rolling, non-presence acknowledging, non-speaking, "when it comes to you whateva" Kimberly schickt. And believe me, you did not want HER!!
In becoming my alter-ego when my feelings or ego were hurt, I actually missed out on what could have been wonderful life-long relationships. Reflecting on the relationships I destroyed I remembered a particular guy who unfortunately received the wrath of K.I.M. Despite, my childish, immature antics though, when I needed him, he was there. At anytime he could have told me no, not supported me or helped me out, goodness knows he had the right to, but he didn't. While I didn't go out of my way to be cruel or mean to him, I wasn't particularly nice either. And he didn't deserve that. Now don't get me wrong, he was no glutton for punishment; he threw in a few jabs, threats(yes, threats-all talk) and expressed the opposite of "un-dying" love for me to a few close friends of mine. Still, I can't remember a time when he ever told me no or turned me down when I asked for anything. Like ever. He avoided giving me answers, but never answered in the negative. Despite our faults(we were still growing and maturing), he was a pretty cool dude considering. It hurts me to realize I may have missed out on getting to know a person who obviously had so many sides to him. For the first time, I looked back on that entire relationship in such a different, elevated way. If I ever see him again in life, he's owed more than a few thank yous.
While I can't go back in time and fix my past aggressions and apologize for the person I was back then(I was still learning and growing - we all were), I can certainly move forward in love and maturity and recognize when K.I.M. is about to go in effect mode. I step back and realize that if I feel like this human being is wonderful enough to consider a romantic relationship,a partnership and friendship with, then this person is more than worthy of being loved as a friend, as family and given the consideration of unconditional love. I ask myself:Does this person bring out wonderful feelings in you? Challenge you? Inspire you? If so, why not have this person in your life to enhance and exchange ideas, love and friendship with?
Instead of looking on back on my past K.I.M. episodes and cringeing, I can proudly say I avoided one this past year. Mr. Perfect showed up to my Bible Study group and let me tell you, I silently mouthed a prayer of thanks to God and moved on in to my husband-to-be. Except one thing: He was gay.Openly. Proud. Yeah. Of course I was crushed and started a mini-campaign to get him removed from my small group. If I couldn't have him, I didn't want to see him,lol! One day though, a few months later I caught him after one of our church's Friday night functions. We talked and laughed and I forgot how much my heart was broken that he wasn't on my team. As looked at this wonderful human being who was beautiful on both the inside and out (how rare is THAT?!?) I realized how much I would miss having one single, solitary moment without him in my life. My heart? Recovered. My feelings? Intact. My love for him? Has grown into something greater than I could ever have imagined.
So, I'm growing, I'm learning and who knows? I'm a football chick, I believe in return passes and re-plays. Maybe one day, someone will be kind enough to let me get a do-over. I'll pray on it:-)
I realized that there have been times in my life where I did not allow myself to be loved, mainly because I was unaware of all the types of "love" that exist. I only knew of 2 kinds: Family(unconditional) love and romantic love. That's it. So, if you weren't family and I wasn't "in love" with you in a romantic way and you with me, then we had absolutely nothing to talk about, no reason to be around each other, excluding my girlfriends of course.
And man, if you were a guy and I was crushing on you, feeling you,"loving" you and wanting you? Then those feelings had better be returned or else hell fire and brimstone. If I liked you and you didn't like me back, I'd go into this "You don't deserve the wonderful, awesome Kimberly that everyone else who loved, adored and sees all these wonderful things in me gets, you get the attitude, neck-rolling, eye-rolling, non-presence acknowledging, non-speaking, "when it comes to you whateva" Kimberly schickt. And believe me, you did not want HER!!
In becoming my alter-ego when my feelings or ego were hurt, I actually missed out on what could have been wonderful life-long relationships. Reflecting on the relationships I destroyed I remembered a particular guy who unfortunately received the wrath of K.I.M. Despite, my childish, immature antics though, when I needed him, he was there. At anytime he could have told me no, not supported me or helped me out, goodness knows he had the right to, but he didn't. While I didn't go out of my way to be cruel or mean to him, I wasn't particularly nice either. And he didn't deserve that. Now don't get me wrong, he was no glutton for punishment; he threw in a few jabs, threats(yes, threats-all talk) and expressed the opposite of "un-dying" love for me to a few close friends of mine. Still, I can't remember a time when he ever told me no or turned me down when I asked for anything. Like ever. He avoided giving me answers, but never answered in the negative. Despite our faults(we were still growing and maturing), he was a pretty cool dude considering. It hurts me to realize I may have missed out on getting to know a person who obviously had so many sides to him. For the first time, I looked back on that entire relationship in such a different, elevated way. If I ever see him again in life, he's owed more than a few thank yous.
While I can't go back in time and fix my past aggressions and apologize for the person I was back then(I was still learning and growing - we all were), I can certainly move forward in love and maturity and recognize when K.I.M. is about to go in effect mode. I step back and realize that if I feel like this human being is wonderful enough to consider a romantic relationship,a partnership and friendship with, then this person is more than worthy of being loved as a friend, as family and given the consideration of unconditional love. I ask myself:Does this person bring out wonderful feelings in you? Challenge you? Inspire you? If so, why not have this person in your life to enhance and exchange ideas, love and friendship with?
Instead of looking on back on my past K.I.M. episodes and cringeing, I can proudly say I avoided one this past year. Mr. Perfect showed up to my Bible Study group and let me tell you, I silently mouthed a prayer of thanks to God and moved on in to my husband-to-be. Except one thing: He was gay.Openly. Proud. Yeah. Of course I was crushed and started a mini-campaign to get him removed from my small group. If I couldn't have him, I didn't want to see him,lol! One day though, a few months later I caught him after one of our church's Friday night functions. We talked and laughed and I forgot how much my heart was broken that he wasn't on my team. As looked at this wonderful human being who was beautiful on both the inside and out (how rare is THAT?!?) I realized how much I would miss having one single, solitary moment without him in my life. My heart? Recovered. My feelings? Intact. My love for him? Has grown into something greater than I could ever have imagined.
So, I'm growing, I'm learning and who knows? I'm a football chick, I believe in return passes and re-plays. Maybe one day, someone will be kind enough to let me get a do-over. I'll pray on it:-)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Coming Clean With E. Lynn Harris...Again
E. Lynn Harris...again
I'm currently reading the second novel in the Raymond Tyler series that began with Invisible Life. I remember a friend of mine giving it to me to read back in the Summer of 1997. It blew my mind. Every Black man I knew was gay according to that book or leading a secret, double life. I trusted no one. It was funny and it was sad, but it also did Black woman a favor. It opened our eyes and gave Black men going through this "invisible life" a platform to speak about it to those that were important to them.
My friend also handed me the second book in the series, "Just As I am" , but for some reason, I never finished it. I couldn't figure out why. But as I perusing the book store several weeks ago looking for subway train reading material, I saw Harris's book and bought it, trying to remember why I put it down in the first place. It was considered a better read than Invisible Life.
As I began to pour through the pages, I became familiar with main characters once more. Nicole Springer and Raymond Tyler, once in love but broken apart by Raymond's bisexuality. Throughout the book Raymond's character is described as handsome, smart, with a baritone voice that melted anyone who heard it. All of sudden I found myself back on my former college campus. All the characters in the book were people I personally knew. On my way to work, I slammed the book into my carrying bag and subconsciously vowed not to open it again. It was hitting far too close to home for me. I was worked up. Why?
I knew a Raymond back in school. I don't know if he was bisexual or not, but the pain he caused me mimicked the one Nicole the character in the book felt.I loved him so much, I know he knew, but whatever his reasons were, he did not feel the same. I never accepted that fact. How could he like me enough to be my friend but not see all the wonderful things in me to love me romantically? From that time until now, I literally stopped putting any effort in my appearance the day I realized we would never be. My confidence and self-esteem had never recovered. I would never be pretty enough, light enough or good enough for him. I really believed that. I knew deep down inside that he couldn't help how he felt, that it was not a reflection on me and that I couldn't fault him for it, but I did. I was so angry and defensive. Part of me still is. And just after years and years Nicole didn't get over it, neither did I. I also related to the pain and relationship Nicole had with her fairer skin mother. The words were all too real for me and I couldn't deal with it, I realized at that moment why so many years ago, I put the book down. Homosexuality, bi-sexuality, the reality of down-low brothers, skin color issues, interracial dating- these are all hot button issues that many people in the Black community have a hard time dealing with and talking about and that includes me.
Now, almost 14 years later, unlike the characters in the book, I'm still in the same place. As weird as it sounds, I'm determined to finish the book so that I can get on with my life. And I hope that E. Lynn Harris has the characters I so closely identify with do the same. I'm ready to get over my "Raymond", I'm ready to love my "Kyle" completely and I'm ready to accept the beauty of my ebony skin regardless of others and forgive those who were cruel to me because of it. I'm ready to accept my mother's relationship for who she is and move forward. Well, maybe. But more importantly, I'm ready to face the truth. Because that is what E. Lynn Harris's books specialized in. Not letting us hide behind what we are ashamed of and don't want to feel, but be truthful and proud of who we are.
I'm sorry I never got to finish his book and I'm sorry I never saw him the several times he spoke at my school because I'll never get the chance to thank him. I've been hiding my feelings for so long beacause I was embarrased by them. But it's time to come clean. Finally.
I'm currently reading the second novel in the Raymond Tyler series that began with Invisible Life. I remember a friend of mine giving it to me to read back in the Summer of 1997. It blew my mind. Every Black man I knew was gay according to that book or leading a secret, double life. I trusted no one. It was funny and it was sad, but it also did Black woman a favor. It opened our eyes and gave Black men going through this "invisible life" a platform to speak about it to those that were important to them.
My friend also handed me the second book in the series, "Just As I am" , but for some reason, I never finished it. I couldn't figure out why. But as I perusing the book store several weeks ago looking for subway train reading material, I saw Harris's book and bought it, trying to remember why I put it down in the first place. It was considered a better read than Invisible Life.
As I began to pour through the pages, I became familiar with main characters once more. Nicole Springer and Raymond Tyler, once in love but broken apart by Raymond's bisexuality. Throughout the book Raymond's character is described as handsome, smart, with a baritone voice that melted anyone who heard it. All of sudden I found myself back on my former college campus. All the characters in the book were people I personally knew. On my way to work, I slammed the book into my carrying bag and subconsciously vowed not to open it again. It was hitting far too close to home for me. I was worked up. Why?
I knew a Raymond back in school. I don't know if he was bisexual or not, but the pain he caused me mimicked the one Nicole the character in the book felt.I loved him so much, I know he knew, but whatever his reasons were, he did not feel the same. I never accepted that fact. How could he like me enough to be my friend but not see all the wonderful things in me to love me romantically? From that time until now, I literally stopped putting any effort in my appearance the day I realized we would never be. My confidence and self-esteem had never recovered. I would never be pretty enough, light enough or good enough for him. I really believed that. I knew deep down inside that he couldn't help how he felt, that it was not a reflection on me and that I couldn't fault him for it, but I did. I was so angry and defensive. Part of me still is. And just after years and years Nicole didn't get over it, neither did I. I also related to the pain and relationship Nicole had with her fairer skin mother. The words were all too real for me and I couldn't deal with it, I realized at that moment why so many years ago, I put the book down. Homosexuality, bi-sexuality, the reality of down-low brothers, skin color issues, interracial dating- these are all hot button issues that many people in the Black community have a hard time dealing with and talking about and that includes me.
Now, almost 14 years later, unlike the characters in the book, I'm still in the same place. As weird as it sounds, I'm determined to finish the book so that I can get on with my life. And I hope that E. Lynn Harris has the characters I so closely identify with do the same. I'm ready to get over my "Raymond", I'm ready to love my "Kyle" completely and I'm ready to accept the beauty of my ebony skin regardless of others and forgive those who were cruel to me because of it. I'm ready to accept my mother's relationship for who she is and move forward. Well, maybe. But more importantly, I'm ready to face the truth. Because that is what E. Lynn Harris's books specialized in. Not letting us hide behind what we are ashamed of and don't want to feel, but be truthful and proud of who we are.
I'm sorry I never got to finish his book and I'm sorry I never saw him the several times he spoke at my school because I'll never get the chance to thank him. I've been hiding my feelings for so long beacause I was embarrased by them. But it's time to come clean. Finally.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It Ain't About Looks, Honey!
It ain't about looks, honey.
While at work one day, my two male bosses started a conversation about a personal friend who worked in another department, whose personal life they found to be hilarious and worrisome.
It seems the man, in his late thirties, had recently applied to have his live-in "girlfriend", and I use that term loosley, a medical beneficiary. It seems the young lady, in her early twenties, was pursued by this gentleman for quite some time, yet she never gave him the time of day. However, over the last 3 months, the young lady, lost her job, her apt. and was pregnant. The father of her child? Nowhere to be found. In steps her would be suitor. He puts her up in his house, pays for everything and to make sure the baby is taken care of medically, he makes the mother a beneficiary on his insurance. Mind you, this man has NEVER been with this woman.
While I was being told this story, my female boss was also in the room. She and I looked over at each other, thinking the same thing, except she said it out loud: "That girl must be really, really pretty for the guy to do all of these things for her".
"No way", stated the younger of male bosses,"she isn't really". My female boss and I were dumbfounded. I interjected at that point.
"Well, maybe she isn't your taste of what is considered beautiful or pretty, but she HAS to be, otherwise this guy would not be doing this". I stated flatly.
My older boss laughed and the younger one joined in. They both gave a smirk "Should I say it?" my older boss asked the younger one. The younger boss shrugged. "Look," he continued, as if choosing his words carefully,"it does not matter if the young lady is good-looking or not. What matters is if she has the body type that is atractive to men. Once a man gets it into his head that he wants to be with her at that point, he'll do ANYTHING it takes to achieve that. So if she looks good in the face, that's just a bonus. It just depends on if she has a great, proportional body, that's it. If she does, she then has the power, thus what this young lady is able to get away with."
Wow. That was all I could think. My female boss and I were shocked into silent thought, letting what we just heard settle into our minds. We were just let into an old boys' club secret. The "power" we had over men wasn't what we looked like in the face, but how shapely we were. Big, small it didn't matter. Oh, you have to have a great backside too, they conveyed. As long as its somewhat of an hourglass figure, someone will do ANYTHING to be with you, including WAIT and take care of you & your unborn child. So ladies, if catering to a man's ego is half the battle, creating the illusion(unless you already have it) of the hourglass figure is the other. And we've all seen it. The "Why-Is-He-With-Her Girl". Well, now we know. Forget her face, how she dresses and how uncouth her manners and dialect are and focus on the body package. If she's got a bigg butt or tiny waist or big breasts, that's why he's with her! That's what he likes. Everything else is aesthetics. Now there are still going to be materialistic, shallow men out there, but a man with testosterone running through his veins will always go for what he truly wants, not just what looks good on his arm(those relationships never last, look at almost any Hollywood marriage based on looks). And that's the guy we truly want anyway.
I don't know about you, but the treadmill is looking really good right now, can't wait to have my body and confidence back!
While at work one day, my two male bosses started a conversation about a personal friend who worked in another department, whose personal life they found to be hilarious and worrisome.
It seems the man, in his late thirties, had recently applied to have his live-in "girlfriend", and I use that term loosley, a medical beneficiary. It seems the young lady, in her early twenties, was pursued by this gentleman for quite some time, yet she never gave him the time of day. However, over the last 3 months, the young lady, lost her job, her apt. and was pregnant. The father of her child? Nowhere to be found. In steps her would be suitor. He puts her up in his house, pays for everything and to make sure the baby is taken care of medically, he makes the mother a beneficiary on his insurance. Mind you, this man has NEVER been with this woman.
While I was being told this story, my female boss was also in the room. She and I looked over at each other, thinking the same thing, except she said it out loud: "That girl must be really, really pretty for the guy to do all of these things for her".
"No way", stated the younger of male bosses,"she isn't really". My female boss and I were dumbfounded. I interjected at that point.
"Well, maybe she isn't your taste of what is considered beautiful or pretty, but she HAS to be, otherwise this guy would not be doing this". I stated flatly.
My older boss laughed and the younger one joined in. They both gave a smirk "Should I say it?" my older boss asked the younger one. The younger boss shrugged. "Look," he continued, as if choosing his words carefully,"it does not matter if the young lady is good-looking or not. What matters is if she has the body type that is atractive to men. Once a man gets it into his head that he wants to be with her at that point, he'll do ANYTHING it takes to achieve that. So if she looks good in the face, that's just a bonus. It just depends on if she has a great, proportional body, that's it. If she does, she then has the power, thus what this young lady is able to get away with."
Wow. That was all I could think. My female boss and I were shocked into silent thought, letting what we just heard settle into our minds. We were just let into an old boys' club secret. The "power" we had over men wasn't what we looked like in the face, but how shapely we were. Big, small it didn't matter. Oh, you have to have a great backside too, they conveyed. As long as its somewhat of an hourglass figure, someone will do ANYTHING to be with you, including WAIT and take care of you & your unborn child. So ladies, if catering to a man's ego is half the battle, creating the illusion(unless you already have it) of the hourglass figure is the other. And we've all seen it. The "Why-Is-He-With-Her Girl". Well, now we know. Forget her face, how she dresses and how uncouth her manners and dialect are and focus on the body package. If she's got a bigg butt or tiny waist or big breasts, that's why he's with her! That's what he likes. Everything else is aesthetics. Now there are still going to be materialistic, shallow men out there, but a man with testosterone running through his veins will always go for what he truly wants, not just what looks good on his arm(those relationships never last, look at almost any Hollywood marriage based on looks). And that's the guy we truly want anyway.
I don't know about you, but the treadmill is looking really good right now, can't wait to have my body and confidence back!
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