These past 2 weeks, as I've checked in on numerous girlfriends, I have listened as each wonderful, beautiful person was agonizing over some guy that they should not have EVEN been dating. Each one would question how much longer they should stay, how much they should tolerate and if the relationship is worth fighting for. While I'm not the expert or poster child for relationships, one thing I've learned (harshly) is that there are types of guys you just don't date anymore. Some you don't even START dating and others you stop as soon as you see the signs that say "STOP! He's a loser!". While everyone else can see those signs clear as day, when the heart is involved, these people tend to become far sighted, very far sighted. Or maybe they see the signs as you and I do and choose to ignore them in effort to not be alone.
One thing I am convinced of is whether or not they know not to date or it's time to close up shop, they will arrive at the same conclusion to do so on their own. But it doesn't mean that they don't need a little push. Here's my push to them -- and you if you see these characteristics in the person you're either dating or trying date. If so.., gurl... YOU SHOULDN'T BE DATING HIM!!
The 10 Types of Guys You Shouldn't be Dating
1. The guy who doesn't call you.
If he's not calling you, he does not want you. I can't tell you how many guys have told me that. Does Facebook, Twitter, text or BBM count? Nope! If he does not call you or ask to speak to you in person, there is no need to wonder, ask or ponder philosophically about how he feels about you because he doesn't.
2. The married guy.
This should be obvious, but for some of you it strangely isn't. The type of guy that cheats on his wife is a) ALREADY cheating on you w/ his wife, b) is cheating on you with someone else already(you'll probably never know either) b) is a cheat, a liar and will never make a great partner to anyone. I know we are all familiar with unfortunate situations where from the outside looking in, that uncles, cousins, friends we know cheated with their now spouses and seem to be living happily ever after. Don't you believe it. Even if the person has managed to remain faithful, there will never be any amount of trust in that relationship, ever.
3. The separated from his wife but still living with her/going to therapy/etc. guy.
I know I'm going to ruffle some feathers here. I know that when people separate, one of the first things they are told to do is see other people. The choice of going on a date with someone who is separated is fine for those who aren't necessarily pursuing a monogamous relationship. However, if you are, dating someone who is separated is dating someone who is unavailable. When the "separated" status becomes "divorced" then you can openly date and pursue a relationship, until then, you're beating a dead horse. Why? Because no matter what problems separated persons are going through,about half of them get back together.
4. The guy who physically/mentally abuses you.
Another obvious one, yet too many women are still getting into and staying in these types of relationship. I don't know which type of abuse is worse, but I do know this: You are beautiful, you are handsome, you are WORTHY and no one has the right to put you down, even in a subtle way or put their hands on you, even once. If you question if you're in an abusive relationship, discuss it with your partner. Then talk the discussion over with a neutral(i.e., not your friends or family) party. Make sure you let your partner know that you will not stand for mental or physical abuse. Don't threaten to leave, there's no need for that. But if you come to the realization you ARE in an abusive relationship, LEAVE. God has a way of making sure those of us who unfortunately have to make the decision to get out of these types of relationships are never alone. I don't know how HE does it so put that "I-Don't-Want-To-Be-Alone" card away because you won't. I promise. Get help if you need it. Leave.
5. The guy who doesn't share the same morals as you do.
Here's the thing: There are some people out there who enjoy things recreational that may be against what you believe in morally. Drugs, sex, the list can go on. The free lifestyle these people seem to enjoy is very attractive. They don't judge you because they themselves don't want to be judged. And it feels nice to not be judged or held to sometimes impossible standards. BUT, if you don't do drugs, then don't date someone that does, if you don't drink heavily, don't date someone who does, if you enjoy spirituality, then dating someone who is agnostic is a bad idea. You don't have to share the same religion, but having one means you'll share more ideals and morals than someone who does not. Free sex does not lead to monogamy, it leads to two people who like free sex. If that's you, fine. But if it isnt' you probably need to find someone else.
6. The guy who doesn't have a job,unless he's in school full-time or is actively pursuing finding one.
Another sticky topic. Listen, it's a bad economy, I get that. Too many of us are now back home full-time or forced to live with and help out family members as we all struggle under this economic downturn. BUT, that does not give you an excuse to date a hot, sexy lazy man or woman. There's a difference between not finding a job and not looking. there's a difference between someone who had a steady job for years and lost it during the economic crisis and someone who couldn't keep a job when things were well and now is suffering because of their bad work record. There's a difference between someone who is on unemployment and has severance package or other financial package to allow him to thrive and someone who is living it up on unemployment with no plans to move forward or save until he gets back on his/her feet. Living at home with mom and dad is no longer a no-no, but WHY they are there is. So make no excuses for anyone, but be aware, if he or she is not making moves, you need to.
7. The guy who borrows money from you.
WTF!!! And that's exactly what you should say when he/she asks:"WTF!!". Know that whether you give the person who asks the money or not, it is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Save yourself the additional heartache that comes with staying in a relationship too long after this happens and quickly become unavailable and stop seeing him/her.
8. The guy that won't marry you/commit to you.
You want to be married, he does not. He's not sure. He wants to but not right now. Let me translate for you because obviously this is a language you don't understand: I do not want to marry you. What does that mean for you? Do I really have to write it?!? Yes, I do because if you're still with him, you don' get it: give him and more importantly yourself, the gift of good-bye. This IS the guy who will be engaged and married this time next year and no, it would NOT have been you if you stayed.
If he doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with you, first he's crazy because you're awesome! Secondly, he doesn't realize what a hawt number he has on his hands. Do you want to date someone that deft? If he's cheating and you're in a relationship or not committing because he doesn't want to "hurt you" leave him alone. By that, I mean, cut him off: no friendship, no calls, no texts, un-friend him on Facebook and completely disappear as far as he's concerned. This is NOT to hurt him or exact some revenge because he doesn't want you. If his wants and desires don't include you, don't care about what they are or what he's doing, LIVE YOUR LIFE. Eradicating him from your life cleans up your space to invite someone into it that wants you.
9. The guy who doesn't WANT you.
O-M-G!! This one gets on my last freaking nerves!!! I am so freaking tired of having to point out to a friends when the object of their desire doesn't want them. LADIES, STOP CHASING GUYS!! If he 's not calling you, asking you out, taking you out (and paying), introducing you to his friends and family, committed to you, wants to marry and actively pursuing it, having sex with you or at least desiring he wants to when you're married, putting you first and treating you like a million dollar glass vase and the utmost respect: HE - DOES - NOT - WANT - YOU!!
10. The guy who has(__insert # over 3 here) of children but did not marry or have a significant relationship with any of the mothers of his children.
I kinda talked about this in my prior blog, "When It Comes To Dating Dads". The only difference there is between dating someone who has kids and someone who does not, is that you already will know if he is mature, responsible, monogamous, parenting skills and how to put family (including you) first. If he's none of the above, ditch him!
There are plenty more that should be on this list, including the guys Saquan Jones who did this blog radio show ( http://www.blogtalkradio.com/saquanjones/2011/09/29/face-first-at-says-place) describes and any guy who agrees with his advice. Like the movie the 'The Help', I was appalled, but thankful for the insight. I'm gonna keep listening, so should you!
What type of guy(s) have you learned to not date?